The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

This Year's First Christmas Joke
18:40 Nov 24 2008
Times Read: 554








Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.





"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."



The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.





"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.





The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."





Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".





The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.







St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"





The man replied, "These are Carols."

Vampires in south park
16:57 Nov 20 2008
Times Read: 573

LOL what a great episode

The Buffalo Theory
00:37 Nov 18 2008
Times Read: 584






In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.





'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

HEHE
21:51 Nov 14 2008
Times Read: 591

Just think -if the Indians had given the Pilgrim Fathers a Donkey instead of a Turkey we would all be having a piece of ASS this Thanksgiving!

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
20:22 Nov 14 2008
Times Read: 596






A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.



Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005



Darling,



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!



Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was…………



P. S. - Sure is freaking hot down here!

TEQUILA AND SALT
17:12 Nov 13 2008
Times Read: 609






This should probably be taped

to your bathroom mirror

where one could read it every day.

You may not realize it,

but it's 100% true.





1. There are at least two people in this world

that you would die for.





2. At least 15 people in this world

love you in some way.





3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you

is because they want to

be just like you.





4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,

even if they don't like you.





5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you

before they go to sleep.





6. You mean the world to someone.



7. You are special and unique.





8.. Someone that you don't even know exists

loves you.







9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,

something good comes from it.



10. When you think the world has

turned its back on you, take another look.





11. Always remember the compliments you received..

Forget about the rude remarks.





Good friends are like stars.....

You don't always see them,

But you know they are always there.

18:04 Nov 10 2008
Times Read: 622

PISCES –



The Dreamer

Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

A Electrifing Tale
17:17 Nov 05 2008
Times Read: 638

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A

guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their

anniversary submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol

& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was

our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the

taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

to retreat to safety....??



WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device

and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn

thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I

learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it

against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the

blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the

prongs. AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what

that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking

to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

triple-A batteries, right?





There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on

intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the

directions and thinking that I really needed to try this

thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.





I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a

fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such

a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my

wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?





So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top

with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of

my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.

The directions said that a one-second burst would

shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily

control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your

assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any

burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little

device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in

circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,

bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!'



What happened next is almost beyond description, but

I'll do my best...?



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with

her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it,

dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a

tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck

of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the

button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS

DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!





I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the

side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed

us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I

vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on

fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my

legs?



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard

before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the

fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed

by my body flopping all over the living room.





Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug'

yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such

thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!



You will not let go of that thing until it is

dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the

floor. A three second burst would be considered

conservative?





SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time

was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits

(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from

where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both

nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been

shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I

had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself,

but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was

gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts

and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe

return!!





P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly

threatens me with it!





'If you think Education is difficult, try being

stupid.'