EstrangedOne's Journal


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3 entries this month

Having to say "Goodbye", yet again... is really frustrating...

18:16 Jan 26 2023
Times Read: 154

One thing that really is frustrating about being a caretaker; the unending likelihood and possibilities of having to say "goodbye" to someone you've been taking care of... often times, the more you're around someone you actually take a strong liking to, it no longer becomes a "job", but, in a manner of speaking, almost becomes a hobby of sorts. But developing a bond with someone who is already struggling with their health is one damn frustrating scenario (to put it lightly).

I mostly only turned to being a caretaker for something to do, but over the eight months I worked with this person, the more we became friends, instead of just a client-caretaker relationship. she boasted to the agency I work with that (and I quote) she "doesn't want ANYONE taking my place"... actually going so far as to chew agency management a new one, when they only made the offer of possibility.
Now, however, the problem being that despite the fact her health had been improving little by little, since I began... the two problems we couldn't get around were the very two problems that just took her life, yesterday. In short, a hefty complication caused by diabetes.

So, now, I find myself in the position of burying yet another person who actually became a close friend. Not even JUST burying her, actually, but (honoring, though it is) she asked me to be one of her pallbearers. Somewhat ironic, as well, is that of her entire family, this woman and I took to one another exceptionally well and quickly (which, by itself, is extremely rare for me).

Needless to say, the entire week or two, leading up to this point in time has been absolutely nothing but chaos, to the point at which I have been unable to sleep, at all, and have been to the bottom of more than ten bottles of wine, in just this past week, alone. And I've been drinking like a fish, only in the hopes that it would put me to sleep. Now, I have another funeral to attend, but at least, for the first time in roughly twenty years, it's for someone I actually ended up close to.
Though I will say, I'm not accustomed to such a level of endearment, as what happened about two or three weeks ago - she points at Me, through an entire crowd, and tells everyone else "that man is officially my best friend... almost everyone else will have to come second in line."
Even now, I remain confused as Hell about that moment.

However, in terms of me returning to my music, once I've fully re-entered it and others see it being posted, people can thank her for bringing me back to my old passion. But as for this moment, I need to get some sleep, because I am still exhausted.




Well, Since That Point is Coming Soon, Anyway...

10:45 Jan 09 2023
Times Read: 187

As time goes on, now, it seems that I'll be finding myself with no other choice but to make the time for my music, every day possible, and quite soon.
As some here may know, I've been a caretaker for some months, which has lead me back to my old obsession for books and what everyone else calls the "occult", which... I don't even know why I bother with that one, given that I spent so long with it that it's no more than a second (or first) language for me. But now, since I'll be left with little (if any) choice, but to fully turn back to my music again, assuming things end up in any way positive over the next month or more to come...

Once I've learned more of my programs and such (and, of course, actually getting the methods down correctly), I'll be placing the linking to my YouTube on here, for others to pay it a visit.
Since I began working with one particular person, as their main caretaker, this individual has been almost roasting me like a hotdog about FULLY returning to my music, after she apparently heard me carrying a tune a few months back, and now, every time I'm even on the phone with this person, that's about the only thing I hear about, now - how much progress I have or haven't made.

Now, make no mistake, I am nowhere near (not by a long shot) what I was, even fifteen or twenty years ago - at least, not with any instruments, sad to say. But I know that if I cease with my passion for music, this time around, I'm going to have absolute HELLFIRE to deal with, in terms of just this one person, because I've already heard her say that if I drop it This Time, she'll be haunting me until the end of time. And strangely enough, I'm about 90% certain of this woman's level of sincerity.
So, suffice to say, while I won't likely be posting any of my poetry on here for a long time (if ever again), any who find an interest can be assured that, when I'm fully able to begin, you'll be seeing either audio or videos posted from my channel on the Tube. And hopefully, it has as big of an impact as I've been told my written vernacular opus has, if not much more so.



09:31 Jan 23 2023

I'm sorry to see you writing less but glad you will be filling your time with music. :)


When One's Insanity Meets The Past...

12:48 Jan 07 2023
Times Read: 206

Over the past months, I have been online much less frequently than I once was. I decided in more recent months to return to my old passion for music, since it's one of the few things (if not the only thing remaining) that gives me peace, now.
I remember when I first started, some years ago, I could play just about anything with strings you could put in my hands, with a very few exemptions, only because I absolutely hated the sound they made (still do hate them). Back then, I could play a violin, electric guitar, a bass, piano, organ... almost anything. And if I may say so, I was damn good at it.
But the biggest reason I was so heavily into music was because it's long been the only thing that could really bring me peace, while also being able to show who I am and what goes on in my head. I could play anything from the most nightmare-inducing to the sweetest of lullabies. But my greatest affinity was simply for the guitar, keys (piano/organ), and just singing my existence away. But, as it seems, these days... piano is just about the only thing I seem to still have my old talent for (strange, but not really a wonder, given how long I've held that affinity). Yet, though I've returned to the guitar again, I can't seem to play a damn thing, anymore. Having to start over from scratch, on that one, is a bit of a bitch, when your brain doesn't seem to function like a so-called "normal" individual, on any level.

Recently, I've been literally forced into having/taking days off from work, for reasons I won't go into (and no, I'm not talking about "personal" reasons), and it has been driving me mad, because I prefer to only take my weekends off, when I can, for my own leisure (but then again, who doesn't prefer that?). But of course, the only thing I've been able to do, to keep my mind straight on those days off is have music going almost 24/7, or pausing the music to attempt (and seem to my own mind like failing) to practice and re-learn, myself.

Honestly, it's kind of depressing, knowing that I was once at the level of flawlessly doing Pentatonic Scales, just because I could (while, unfortunately, going through strings like candy); yet, today... I'm having to relearn my damn chords, and re-train my fingers, entirely. And of course, it seems like the one and only time I can even do a decent D major (or minor), let alone switch between that and A or E(add9, which, take my word for it, is one interesting chord) is when I have at least a bottle of wine in my system.
And yes, I know; saying that almost makes me sound like an alcoholic.
Part of what I've had in mind for it all is just to start putting some of my own music up, once I actually retrain myself. Admittedly, I'm just at the point where I would prefer to do my old music, so I can at least have something to focus on, instead of leaving what remains to my demons. Hell, my own ideal "best case scenario" would be a full band/group to play, but I can almost guarantee that likelihood is slim, at best, so I've just been trying to re-learn, so I can do my own recording. But, naturally, knowing that I can only seem to do anything productive when I have a ton of wine on my stomach is kind of ridiculous, because my old demons won't stop knocking at every door in my mind. I won't even get into what pops into my head when that happens, either. Because, frankly, the notion of it is beyond even "goth" or "emo" (as some might say). But I think, at this point, I'm simply "ranting" almost nonsensically. Yet the only thing I want to do is be able to drive myself to play again, like I used to do. Think I can do that though? Well, as it seems... of fucking course, not.
I've basically given up on everything else that once mattered to me. Or at least, I've given up since I've grown tired of losing everything time and again.

All I can really say is Talk About Both Depressing and Irritating.



15:28 Jan 07 2023

Hello, my friend, it's good to see you writing.

18:04 Jan 07 2023

Well, as you might be able to tell, I've been writing a lot less, of late, even in my physical journal(s). There hasn't seemed to be much point in trying to write, lately. But there hasn't seemed to be much point in much of anything, overall, for that matter.

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