I keep sorting through my apparently virus-infested computer, and I keep coming across the same damn files. One of which, appeared out of literally nowhere, just before my computer started having all kinds of weird things happen. An image that appeared on the screen, when I lived in West Virginia. I keep trying figure it out, but I still have no idea how it got on my computer, let alone how it even came to exist. I only know what the Hell it is. And frankly, the fact that it just popped up tells me something isn't quite right.
Finally, I feel a little more like myself, again. I somehow managed to get my hands on a decent amount of my sustenance, so I feel a little more healthy, now. It's about time, too; I'd been feeling like utter shit, for weeks, and during the last week, I was Not feeling well. Headaches gone, for now, so I can actually think. But there is still something bothering me, and I almost don't even dare bring it up, because I know exactly what will happen.
People wonder why I don't socialize, yet they never look around, and actually bother to pay attention to what I do, say, or even make mention of. I have always been the same 'man', and I know I will never change. My code, my honor, my respect, everything;
This is partly the reason for which I am known as the "Half-Dead". There is an old saying, that "the Dead will always keep their promises, and the living eventually leave your side". But there is also another part to that phrase, that "though as this may be, what does this say about the Half-Dead?".
I'll give you a little hint; It's A Riddle. And a very 'sharp' point to it, as well. Give up on the answer? I'll tell you.
"The Half-Dead are both the Living and the Dead; They will always keep their promises, but they also won't leave your side".
It's a simple thing, really. I've been known as the "Half-Dead" for ages, longer than most people would believe. After all, I never really 'leave' this world. I just enter an essentially 'comatose' state, in another existence, until it's time for me to walk again.
++ Hence, another reason I barely sleep worth a damn. They say that there is "No Rest For The Wicked", but that also applies to Me. So I suppose, in a sense, you could say I am both "Half-Dead" and "Wicked". But my word is still nothing shy of 'carbon steel'.
This is an interesting one. For awhile, now, I have been dealing with something that seems a little odd, but from what I understand, is completely 'normal' amongst those like myself. My perception of time seems to be getting even more 'warped' or 'bent', as time passes, yet I remain the same, in literally every way. But unlike some people who experience it, My perception is becoming quite interesting.--
For one, it doesn't happen at "random", like it would for most people. It's constant. Right now, I feel like I've only just started typing, despite the speed I know I carry. It's a constant 'warping', I suppose one could say. I can be doing just about anything, and instead of realizing what time has passed, I can feel like I've been doing the task for only a minute, and instead, I will find that minutes, if not Hours have already passed.
But for some reason, it seems as though all things around me are moving at hyper-speed, until I decide to "engage" my own 'speed', as it were. And then, everything seems to move so slowly in comparison.
For two, it doesn't last for only ten minutes to an hour, obviously, as I've just stated. It lasts all day and all night. Even a day feels like it has barely been a minute. Granted, now, I do reside in a place that is very 'high' in metaphysical activity, but it isn't quite That 'high'. If anything, I am the most 'abnormal' being around this place, simply because I'm not like everyone around me. I have watched as time seems to fast-forward, all around me, and yet other people look at me like I'm in a day dream. Now, I know this isn't the case, because if it were, then my perception would return to me after so-long. But it doesn't. The only way my perception comes back is when I sleep, and even then, it seems as though I move through everything like it doesn't exist. Even last night, when something 'demented' happened, I decided to take a little walk, and what happened There, is a little difficult to explain without sounding "out of my mind".
~ ~ Now, mind you, there is quite a distance between where I am and the nearest road that goes into town, if one is walking North. There is at least a mile of road that need be covered. Something told me to time my walk with my music, then, and what i found was quite interesting. It's beginning to make me wonder if my perception also affects things around me. Of which, if that is so, then I need to learn to control this before it drives me completely crazy.
There is no less than a mile between Me and this road, even now. But when I had 'timed' my walk, I had only two songs playing. Both were by 'Disturbed', and they are not very long, to say the least. Each is 3.5 minutes, at the most. But the distance that I walked in that time was more what struck me as 'odd', because even at night, I don't "rush" myself, because such is my natural time. I prefer to take my time, when walking at night. But despite my slow pace, I seemed to cover over two miles of road, in just four minutes, while only walking. Now, granted, I was a little upset about something, which I won't bring up, now. But still, I know that I was walking fairly slowly, because I like to take my time, at night. So how, then, I am asking myself, did I manage to walk at such a slow pace, in less than four minutes, more than two miles, when it takes any vehicle around here about two minutes to move through the same area?
Either My perception of time has really become that distorted, or there is something I am not quite understanding about myself, and I need to address it before I do something 'twisted' with it.
The last time this happened was when I was in high school. I remembered getting off the bus, and walking out onto the school yard, and then, everything seemed to fast-forward on me, yet I remembered almost everything that happened, to the T. But then, that was also just before something so 'demented' happened, that I ended up 'snapping' into a "frame of mind" that no one around me recognized, and before the end of the day, I ended up becoming more than ten times stronger than the entire football team and a platoon of officers. After that, everything seemed to fade, and I found myself standing, first in a circle of half-dead foes, and then I found myself standing in the old pits, not too far from the next town. The only thing my friends could tell me was that my voice was changing into something they couldn't recognize, and I seemed to be either in a 'trance' or it just "wasn't me". After so long, I began to wonder if it really was either of those, or if I simply had dealt with so much, over time, that I 'unleashed' another side of myself, in a way. More or less, a Truly Dark side of myself - the side that everyone came to fear, some time ago, and was too afraid to mention, because it scared them all the much.
The only thing I remember doing, at that time, was doing what my great nephew did, in destroying more than half the inside of the school, and then I evidently "vanished". My friends came looking for me, and found me out at the pits, that day. This felt right about the same moment that I felt something almost 'tugging' away inside me, and then I broke into some manner of "frenzy", that I had no conscious control over. According to everyone at the school, I had done something that I doubted, even after I was shown the security tapes (which I have no idea why they had that, at the time. I suppose it was brought on by all the threats they claimed to be having.)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Now, again, the same thing is happening, and this time, it seems to be the same thing. Someone told me, earlier tonight, that my voice seemed to become "distorted" in a way, while my perception of time seems to be fading out of balance. Everything seems to be moving so quickly, around me, as if I'm the one stuck in a 'frozen' time zone. Now, My question on this, if anyone can answer this before i figure it out, is "What The Hell Might be Going On, Here?".
I feel like I should be absolutely exhausted, and yet, while I'm tired out of my mind, I still feel so much energy that it's making me almost 'jittery', and my perception seems to be speeding up, while I remain the same. Most people I know, who deal with this, age more quickly, and yet I don't age worth a damn. I don't change, at all.
One day feels like five minutes, at the most, and even a month seems to be passing in an instant. Literally. Even those around me are noticing that I evidently react at a "lightning pace", whereas everything around me seems to leave me "in the dust" half the time, and yet I move with a speed I don't remember the last time I felt. Keeping in mind that I am completely drug free, par from my use of nicotine, and caffeine, which obviously, I need each for their own uses. The nicotine keeps another 'problem' under control, which I will never be rid of, and the caffeine only affects me during the day, to wake me up, and at night, only helps to ease my migraines.
There are days when I Really Fucking HATE being an empath. Though I won't say exactly what happened, I could feel someone's pain, earlier, today. And let me tell you, It Fucking Hurt. My ear started ringing, louder than a church bell, and at a frequency so damned high, that it fucked with my stamina, to a degree where I almost keeled over. On top of that, my stomach started to feel like I had a two hundred pound piece of lead sitting on it.
Now, granted, the 'leaden' feeling has dissipated, but at the same time, my ear still won't stop ringing. Now, however, instead of the 'leaden' feeling, my heart and head feel like they are being crushed with a hydrolic press. Along with this, I am feeling the effects of not 'drinking' as I should; meaning that I feel like I have influenza. Typical. Leave it to the twisted one to feel these things.
The people I love, from whom I receive these 'feelings', tell me "not to worry" about them. I am very sorry, but what the Hell do you think I am going to do, when I feel this? I'm not exactly keen upon letting things go, just Like That. Keep in mind, people, that I am apathic AND empathic. I can both Send and Receive feelings from others. And frankly, the more you tell me "Not to worry", the more I am going to worry, out of my own nature.
I have come to hate being separated from those I care for, by such great distances. Primarily because the more I feel, the more I feel like I am in the said individual(s) shoes. I don't know WHY they feel these things, but when I feel them, as well, they are generally amplified to a point where if most people were to feel it, they would likely either pass out from the pain, or they would end up in a coma. Or worse.
For those who may think they want to be Empathic or Apathic, I suggest you think very carefully, before you start saying that, because you are guaranteed to get JUST what you ask for. And believe me, the chances of being able to rescind something like that are likely going to be very slim.
Take my word for it, when I say that being an Empath or Apath is Not as it may seem, particularly in the makings of Hollywood. It is nowhere near as "glorious", in My case, as it is, for example, within Stephen King's works, when he describes a person with the 'abilities'.
I am many things, as far as my "personality" is concerned. Do I "plan" anything out? No. Do I 'think before I act'? Not on any "normal" basis. The more I "plan" things, and 'think before I act', the more I stand the chance of destroying what I am trying to do, anyhow. Therefor, I don't bother with it.
I am blunt and to-the-point by nature, and I am not much of a "sweet-talker". I often speak my mind and I call things as I see them, regardless of my instincts, which I know I really need to stop doing.
I believe I need to stop socializing with people, however. Being social only makes things worse on everyone, which in turn I feel the effects of, and therefor, hate myself for it. I feel that everything that happens to anyone is caused by My simple presence in their lives, and I wish, more than anything, that I didn't feel that way. I've watched some of those I've cared about the most, and loved without pause, trusted without question, die in front of me. I have "died" more times than I care to explain, because it only gives me headache to think about. And I don't even want to start with the subject of those I love, because I know I will regret it before too long.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Frankly, there is no word that can properly describe my love for the few that I do love. My sister, and one other, whom, for now, will remain nameless, I love with a passion that rivals the intensity of the sun. I would do anything for both of them. But I guess I do go about my love in the wrong way. I only wish that someone would tell me when I'm beginning to push too far, because I don't understand this world, at all. Having been where I have, and seeing the things that I've seen tends to make a person lose their grip on what this 'world' really is and how much it means to those who hold onto it so tightly. But I suppose when you have known something for so long, it becomes impossible to let it go.
I won't deny that I do wish that I could be again, and I want to be "The One" for an individual. But I suppose that it is time to let go of what I care about. If there is a "God", then the bastard should know how much it means to Me, but evidently, doesn't give a damn anymore. Either that, or someone else that I've cared about since 'time' began, for Me, holds so much influence over my mind, alone, that I just don't know how to handle things when they go to Hell on Me.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My mind has become more twisted than the coils of a thousand springs, after all My time. I know that essentially everything I say is more a contradiction than most of anything anyone knows. But at the same time, I also know why. But I couldn't properly explain it to anyone, no matter how simply I say it. So I won't try explaining, since it won't make any sense, anyhow.
I am beginning to feel the tolls of my 'True Age' wearing down on Me, at this point. I've watched as this world destroys itself, and after all the ages of doing so, I've only become more and more sadistic, more of a "press" on the mind, than anything else.
Needless to say, I don't think I will be going on camera, anymore, for awhile, unless by a Very 'special' request from someone. And it better be a very good reason, especially in My eyes. I can admit that for a select few, those reasons will likely be with each passing day. But par from the few, I won't be 'bending' to anyone's request.
Frankly, I only want one of two things; and I'm not even sure which one I want more. Between my wish to finally 'perish', and be taken by the sands of time and decay, and my want of the only one other thing, which obviously, I am not meant to have~ My wish for each is strong enough that it is officially pushing Me out of My own mind, and all it does is make the wish for each even worse. I really have no idea what to do, at this point, other than just let go of what I wish I could have. But I don't want to hear any 'pity-talk' from any about it. Any manner of 'pity' will only make it worse, and drive me completely out of my mind.
I trust you've read me share enough of my thoughts to know I don't pity.
Your presence in someone's life can only enhance it. In what ways, only you can know. But as far as believing that your very existence affects another life... well, I can say in my experience, that they must feel an exceptional connection for you to have such an impact.
It is a very hard thing to not depreciate ones own worth.
Take that for what you will, friend.
I don't understand why people feel the need to be so blind. I haven't understood it for ages, and I am beginning to wonder if I ever will. But I suppose, that's what happens when someone like Myself has been to that 'other side', to which so many are blind and deaf. So many things that people don't see or understand influence them and their actions, and they don't even realize it.
Having already "died" as many times as I have, I've come to know more about what some might call "the next world" than most will admit, and I've learnt the difference between that side and this one. All I try to do is open peoples' eyes to that, and yet, because of the idiocies in the world, and people intentionally being so damned willingly blind, deaf, and utterly 'dumb', so many doubt what they don't know, even considering the fact that they already know that there is more than what they see with the eyes.
As the song by Nightwish says: "You believe but what you see. You receive but what you give". Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. But then, it takes a certain thing to 'believe' what you either are unwilling or at the present, unable to believe. It takes an open mind, to be able to see things. Not just "open eyes".
I've watched as those in this world have destroyed themselves and each other. And frankly, though I do revel in chaos, it disgusts me that people are so intent upon being "blind as a bat" and "deaf as a post". To know what is really in this world, you cannot just believe in the physical "laws" that make up what you believe is reality. Even this physical reality is no different from your will. If you have the will to stop a bullet, with your bear hands, then you have the will to literally change or "warp" reality. It only depends upon how strong you will is, and what you will to be. Granted, to be blunt, there is no conceivable way to simply 'will' one's self to be "perfect", because there is no such thing as "perfect". If you want to know "perfection", then you are obviously in the wrong 'world' of reality.
"Do I have the will to bend reality"? That all depends upon what you mean by "bending reality". I know I have the will to "live on", because obviously, I'm still here, despite the things that have happened to me. I know that I have the will to bend things to suit me, to a point. But in My eyes, that isn't the question. To Me, the real question for that nature would be "do I care enough about it to will it". To be honest, No. I don't care enough about some things, to will them to be. And I am perfectly fine with that. As I put it, I have lost my will to care about allot of things in this world, because I have watched as this world is torn apart by disbelief and stupidity. I couldn't care less, really, if most of this world were to perish and vanish into nothingness, in the blink of an eye. I could not care less if my "father" were to vanish off the face of this earth, because I don't care enough about him to give a damn. I watched his will 'give out', and break like a toothpick, the day he destroyed the "childhood" I would have had. But that has also given Me the strength of will to never be like him. (Closed-minded, weak-willed, and completely deaf and blind).
Me? I've been to that particular side from which most don't come back, so I know what it is truly like. The only reason I am still here is because I *WILL* myself to remain. My will to 'be' is stronger than anyone's will for me to 'not be'. And at that said point, what it boils down to is My will to be who I am, and how strong I am. In many ways, I know that I am strong, because I have the will to remain strong. In other ways, I know I'm weak, because I don't care enough to will myself to be stronger. It's as simple as that.
When someone has been to that 'other side', they begin to see things in a different light. This is one reason for which I don't force anything on anyone, nor do I try, though it may sometimes seem as though I am. I only want others to see, feel, and hear as I do, because I know that when a person has had their eyes and ears opened, they begin to understand things differently.
I know I am mocked for what I say, and the fact that people say I "claim" to be. But frankly, I don't care, because I know the truth. I am already damned, as I have been, for a very long time. But that isn't the sole reason that I know I am. Though perception has allot to do with it, I can tell anyone who asks me the same damn thing: I have felt it inside of myself, since before I even knew what the Hell it was. I have felt it and seen it, and that is part of what tells me that I am.
As far as the mockery, again, I really don't care, though I know that people are as closed-minded as a locked door. I let people believe what they want to believe. But does that mean that I will not do what I know, and make an attempt to open a person's mind, in the way I know? Of course, no. This only strengthens my understanding of the fact that there are things in this world that few will ever understand. Now, granted, I know that most people are not worth making the attempt to help, in opening their minds. But still, it keeps me in the knowledge that some people, though just as "thick", for lack of a better term, are worth the "trouble" it takes to open them up. Especially when I feel not the "urge" to do so, but the very PUSH and PULL that drive me to the point of damn near breaking my own will to bring them to see the truth. If I know that I have brought someone to see and understand something that I know they are oblivious to, in the beginning, then I know I have done something right. And that, in essence, is one of the things that drive me to be as I am with others, though personally antisocial as Hell though I am.
Well, I've finally managed to get my damned hair changed to black, after how-many years of hating the color. Oddly enough, it was very, very slowly turning very dark, anyway, but I was fed up with the color as it was.
One of my adopted 'sisters' helped me to colour it, since I am more familiar with a blade or scissors than I am with the actual colour. But besides the point~
I must say that it feels much, much better to have my old 'head' of hair back. I've missed the way I used to be. But then, I'm not so sure that I would want to be like I used to be, entirely. Maybe a few inches more, on the height would suffice, but I wouldn't want to be quite as tall as I once was. It just feels much better, knowing that I'm slowly becoming who I used to be, once again. I've so missed the original 'Me' that walked the earth, long ago.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
However, on a much worse note, though I won't say WHAT it is, exactly, I will say that Now, My blood is quite at its fucking boiling point, with someone. Enough, in fact, that I can guarantee that if I see the individual, there will need to be more than an army holding me back from turning the said person into my own fucking wall decoration, and doing some very... "unmentionable" things with the remains.
I hate to admit it, but I am a very "weak" person, when it comes to my temper. I'm a soldier, at heart, and thus, in being such, as old as I am, I hold to a code of honor that I am willing to die and perish to uphold.
Frankly, there is no curse in any language, to describe how pissed I truly am. I can barely type, even as I think, now. Nearly half of what I am thinking, at the moment I type this, is nothing but the things I would SO enjoy doing to the person. But, unfortunately, I need to restrain my wrath, and trust in someone else to know what to do. I know that if I choose to let my rage take over me, now, then there will be very little stopping me from doing something which would force the few and only people I care about and love to either leave my side, or visit me through a wall of bars, or in a straight jacket. Though, I seriously doubt that even one of those two things would stop me, knowing what I've done to one place I've been in.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
All in all, today and tonight have been rather interesting, to say the least. But frankly, I still want to kill something. And knowing how I am, the first person who pisses me off, whilst standing face-to-face with me, is going to be subject to the True Hell I can unleash upon them.
I think I will be avoiding speaking to anyone, in person, for a few days, because I really do not feel like unleashing the 'Beast', just yet.