EstrangedOne's Journal

EstrangedOne's Journal


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20 entries this month

Time To Prepare...

02:21 Nov 30 2013
Times Read: 636

Well... a new child is now born to the people I once knew as "family", so now, it's time for me to prepare for my departure from this place.

I can only pity the poor little thing, now, because of her Mundane father... I just hope he comes to understand more of what it is really like to be like Me, when their newborn begins to 'awaken'.




An Old 'Motto' I Was Taught By...

14:03 Nov 26 2013
Times Read: 647

"Do or Die. We Fight To The Bitter End..."

Funny enough, I was originally taught to live this way by my Brother, long ago. My 'grandfather' was the one who refreshed it all, after my rebirth.




Ahh, the Black Veil Brides...

17:42 Nov 25 2013
Times Read: 653

Awake at night you focus,

On everyone who's hurt you,

And write a list of targets,

Your violent lack of virtue.




We are breathing,

While you're sleeping, go!

And leave us alone,

The liars cheating,

Our hearts beating, go!

And now you're on your own.

Here's to your perfect weapon,

Crack bones with blind aggression,

Like birds whose wings are broken,

You live without direction.



We are breathing,

While your sleeping, go!

And leave us alone,

The liars cheating,

Our heart's beating, go!

And now you're on your own.









We are breathing,

While your sleeping, go!

And leave us alone,

The liars cheating,

Our heart's beating, go!

And now you're on your own.




Trying To 'Know' Me? Good Luck.

05:09 Nov 24 2013
Times Read: 673

"I would like to study you.

Your answers interest me. I do not wish to ask you anymore personal questions with certainly people I deem untrustworthy in your cam. Would you allow me to pick through your mind?"

It need not be said who asked me this. And frankly, I don't care what people think of me for this one.

Trying to know Me... I will say, is Not as easy as it may seem. I only allow a very few to know me, these days. And even fewer people succeed. In fact, more people fail to know and understand me than those who succeed.

Some of my oldest and best of friends could not learn to understand me, and even now, they have known me for so long that the years seem almost unfathomable to them. But then, as we've all learned, I do have an admittedly... "twisted" perception of time. Why I have such a perception, I have no idea. I have been trying to figure this out for ages.

Thus for Me, a month can feel as a single day, or a year can fee like a week. OR vice versa. I only know that in My mind... time almost seems to move at hyper-speed, most days, yet I still seem personally capable of moving and thinking faster than other things can happen. But "why?", I have no idea.

As far as all this goes, it may not be the best idea to try to enter My mind, because I can guarantee that you won't like what you see. I only allow a very few to see what lies in my mind, because I know they can handle it.

So My warning to You is "You can Try... but don't delve Too Deep. Because you may not like what you find, at all."

You Have Been Warned. But you will do what you wish.




Love and Psychology-- Interesting Mix...

08:05 Nov 21 2013
Times Read: 685

I never thought that I would see the day, in This era, that an evidently 'licensed' psychologist almost seems to "break down" to ME, of all people, to tell me that *they* can't sleep, because they missed something from someone they care about.

And here, after the ages, I thought that so many psychologists were almost as numb as I've come to be, for the most part. I guess Human Beings CAN surprise me, every once in a great while. I never thought a psychologist (a Mundane, at That), as skeptic as this one, would ever talk to a Vampyre about missing someone.

It's too bad that the person everything was directed for refuses to talk to me like the adult they are supposed to be. More so, I suppose, however, too bad that the person should "have the metaphorical 'log in their arse'" about me and the apparent disagreement we have had.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

And people wonder why I don't talk to others much (let alone psychologists on a normal basis), these days. If not for the fact that the evident psychologist and I get along on a decent basis (the exact opposite of the person everything was directed to), as well as the fact that things USED To be on decent terms between myself and the two, I would feel violated by being brought into yet another situation.

I can understand "love" more than most really do. My sister sees me as somewhat of a "LESTAT" individual, whereas a few others have come to see me as a "Louis" (and I cannot believe that I just used that analogy).

Though they say "No one understands love like teenagers do"-

I have to say -- "I disagree".

I'm not saying that teenagers do not understand "love". But they KNOW Lust better than they understand it. But yes. They do understand Love better than most others do.

The problem is that so few really understand either side of that coin. Love is not something that I've seen most "psychologists" understand. I'm surprised as Hell that I've finally come to know one who DOES. After all... Love and Psychology?... they do mix, perfectly. But the issue there being that on one side of things, you have the chemistry of the matter- the thing that knows HOW things work. One the other side, you have the Philosophy, which understands WHY it works.

Me? I've been on Both sides of that one, for so long that I understand both perfectly well, even though I can't remember the specifics of one side.

I find it interesting that on one hand, you can have the thing that brings people together, and on the other, you can have the thing that KEEPS them together in whatever way it does.

But still, I never thought I would see the day that a scenario like THIS would appear. Although, I can almost bet that it will never happen again, no matter what level of trust is gained or regained in the connection that lies there.





10:28 Nov 20 2013
Times Read: 692

This is quite slick, to be honest.




Going "GHOST"...

07:38 Nov 20 2013
Times Read: 699

I'm finished with putting photos of myself online. And I'm marking all my writings as either private, or I'm deleting them, altogether. If someone wants to attempt to be Me... then I'll have to make a few changes, and REALLY become a ghost. I will allow TWO of my writings to remain on this site, and ONLY my profile photo. Besides that, My property is getting taken down, Tonight.

As a great man I once knew said --

"I Am Going 'GHOST'" one more time. And this time, you won't be seeing my face anywhere, unless it is from behind a fog.



07:00 Nov 27 2013

I know how you feel... why people try to be some one else is beyond me. I have had this happen to me before and it really agitates me to no end.


Internet Problems Again- Good Thing I Have To Move

01:01 Nov 15 2013
Times Read: 712

Well, it looks like the internet is acting up again. Damned MediaCom. Oh, well. At least now, I have some new footwear to keep my feet dry. Everything helps when you are having to vanish again, without telling a Soul.

Frankly, I won't regret leaving this place behind again, in the least. I was called back under false pretenses, as it is. People around here seem to forget that I don't take kindly to being lied to.

It's the 14th of November, now. And almost time for me to leave this place in the dust again. Being the only one of "My Kind" around here doesn't help matters much, to be honest.



07:02 Nov 27 2013

Sounds like my life at times. It can be really frustrating at times ...


One... BAD Day...

00:56 Nov 13 2013
Times Read: 725

It is officially NOT a good idea for me to stick around here, after this month is finished...

To say the very least, today has not been very good. I made a call to someone, to have them meet me at ONE end of town... this person has completely gone senile. I called them up when I am already at the said end of town, only to find out that they stayed at the OTHER END, All Damn Day.

And of course, this person wonders why I show up, My Blood Still BOILING, to the point where my veins are damn near turning into Vapor...

"I just fucking walked ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN, after QUITE CLEARLY telling you to Meet Me THERE."

But apparently, my 'wrath' has gotten so damn deadly that not only was my blood Boiling like magma... but I was also so pissed that I turned ICE into Hot Water, with Each Damn Step I Took.

My boots are now, already almost completely trashed (Soles Are Almost Melted Off From The Glue, Heels Nearly Torn Off, the Leather now Needs MORE Repair), I am of course in need of an extra, New pair, and this person STILL cannot comprehend WHY I am still pissed off.

If this keeps up, I can see, right now, that it will be a "Peat and RE-Peat", as one I know calls it, of North Carolina, Wisconsin, YEARS ago up here, and the Goddamn Salem Witch Hunts... all over again.--

I.e., I will have, this time, Not Just an entire Town after me... but the Whole Damn STATE. It definitely is clearly not a good idea for me to be around here, again, anymore. Once I leave, This Time... I am NEVER coming back. Period. I have had enough of this bullshit.




Who All Sees The Irony, Here? LOL

18:06 Nov 12 2013
Times Read: 731

This One Only Makes Me Laugh, Almost Out Loud, These Days. One must love the symbolism in all things. Lol




''Of Course...''

09:21 Nov 11 2013
Times Read: 744

Of course... leave it to the "Golden" Outcast to see the message in all things. "No such thing as the right thing to do, when I'm talking to You."

Seems to fit a few people I know a little too well, in my opinion. This one seems to suit my current situation almsot perfectly.




Ah, The Thoughts and Memories THIS One Brings To Mind...

13:23 Nov 10 2013
Times Read: 755

This one really would teach people allot of they were to do more than just HEAR it... Listen to the message it contains.

Labels and Stereotypes... boy... This one suits Me to a frightening point. LOL

But then... I can barely think of one thing I listen to that DOESN'T suit Me in some way.

Yes, I am a Metalhead, for the most part. But believe it or not, I do listen to much more than just this. I can guarantee that most would never "peg" me for a person with a passion for Classical (Beethoven, Bach, etc.).




13:11 Nov 10 2013
Times Read: 757

"Teach you to see through My eyes"? That all depends upon how willing you are to attempt it. Sadly, some people are just too damned afraid to even try it. LOL

How afraid are You to see through My eyes? Apart from a few of you... I would wager that at least 99% of anyone will be too scared shitless to see that way... let alone, to see into My mind.




A Stop In For The Madness???

11:43 Nov 10 2013
Times Read: 761

So, someone finally stops in, on my webcam, tonight, after I-don't-know-how-long... and funny enough, only stays in for a moment. Ordinarily, I would call the person spineless, but in this one, I can somewhat understand-- I have more problems with MY phone than I have ever had with any computer. But then... I hate technology, as it is.

But of course, I can very easily use My phone to get on the Rave, and I have no problem with being able to sign in. But then, I'm not sure about This person...

Frankly, I would message the individual, but funny enough, I know damn well that my message would either be "lost in the circular file", or it would simply get no response, in the first place. It's somewhat funny, really. This person and I used to get along quite well... until I had to put their significant other in their place, and then The Other, shortly thereafter.

An of course... I become the "bad guy". Boy... typical. The few with whom I get along either know me Well, or Not At All... but most of those who can't seem to stand me... seem to be somewhere in the middle. I'm not sure where, but honestly, I don't give a damn. There aren't many things that I care about, but I can easily enough count them all on one hand, which strangely enough is slowly becoming something that I may finally need both hands to count.

But damn... I am beginning to find it a little odd that almost every time I get along well with ONE side... the other side seems to end up hating me, even considering they are the sides to the same coin... What Am I Missing, here? Perhaps I'm just over-thinking things, in my oddity.

Oh, well, I suppose. "Live and Learn".



01:19 Nov 12 2013

i wonder who this was now


Show Me Some SPINE, Already...

10:54 Nov 10 2013
Times Read: 762

And Now, you block me, for showing you a portion of my "jerk" side... well, I hate to say it, but that wouldn't have happened, had you shown more spine in your own presentation.

Do I honestly care that you're a "Sire"? Obviously not. But then, I Am the "Epitome of I Don't Give a Damn". But with due reason. You obviously don't know me, and thus you've no clue who I am or what I've been through. So why be spineless about it all? You know very well, who you are, and you should know that I'll respect you more should you show Me more that you hopefully have a spine.

Don't let any "power" you might have go to your head, or I will simply view you as the pitiful dog that you act like, and therefore seem to be. Should you finally choose to grow up, and step into the "big" shoes again, and speak to me, without hiding your 'face', then you might want to try asking me why I was evidently such an "ass" to you. But then, I suppose that would also help if you were to act like an adult, instead of a child.

Trust me, when I say that I don't care who you are or where you are from, what you do or where you claim your loyalties lie. My Code is My Law. Go against it, and you won't like me. As for what that Code may be, try asking, and you may find out just how "noble" or "honorable" it is to you. To Me, it is simply the one thing that I have that separates Me from the freaks who call themselves either "Like ME", or who claim to be one kind of person, while having not even the slightest ounce of Self Respect.

And take My word for it, because I have been here just long enough to find out-- 'showing up', whilst hiding your face... I don't care who you are or THINK you are...

I was raised and taught by a Soldier. A Veteran of Not One, but TWO Wars. He taught Me the 'rules' that he lived by, and taught Me to live by them, myself, to retain what little honor I can still have, considering what I am. Female, and possibly on a "PMS" day/night? Maybe. If so, then I can understand your frustration with me. Hell, my own Brother and sister get frustrated with me, especially on their days. And all three of us share the same blood in at least one way.

But at least We show our spines with Pride. Pride in That and in What We Are.

Trust me, young lady... don't argue nor tangle with a Born Soldier, because you won't win that argument. When it comes to some things, I would rather "Mindfuck" the living Hell out of someone than actually fight them. But to be honest, the two things you have done tonight, to piss Me off, are--

For One; Not Showing Me That You Have A Spine (showing as "Anonymous").

And Two; You have only shown me how much you disrespect my friends and you WOULD likely disrespect my Family in the same fashion, if given the chance.

Am I wrong? If so, then prove it. Show Me Your Spine, and I will take back these words. But until then, young lass... Do Not Argue With Me. Because you won't like the end result.




Your Next Visit to The Madness~~

10:33 Nov 10 2013
Times Read: 765

Alright... now, I know full well that you are a "Sire", on here. And I know that we each have our own little quirks and 'malfunctions', just as much as we have those we do or don't like. But guess what-- that is life. Whether it be On OR Offline.

Partial to that note, when you come into My webcam, and I am referring to a friend of mine, you would be a little wiser to respect My opinion of someone, even if you don't like that person. I would do the same thing in respect for You. So why be pathetic about it?

Now, frankly, I don't care that you are a "Sire" on here, because this is only an online thing, which in turn, is somewhat of a psychological refuge for some, so it means a little bit more to those people. But consider the fact that some of us have lives that we need to tend to, and we don't always have the time to be dealing with immaturity.

Granted, I won't claim to be purely "innocent" in this matter, because everyone knows that is far from the truth. But do not be disrespecting Me or my friends around me, because you will not like me in the end. In This place, "Ranking" means only one thing. "Who Has Been Here The Longest".

It's as simple as that. Don't be trying to act "High And Mighty" with Me, because you will find out just how much of a true 'Madman' I can bring myself to be, when I'm provoked enough.

Well, alright. So it's "High Sire". Well, sadly, all I can say is "Big Deal". "Ranking" of any kind should not be simply 'given' to those who have been in a place the longest. The way I was taught, "Rank" comes with responsibility and respect. Knowledge and experience are keys in it.

Now, I will say that though I respect you as another person, your attitude toward Me and my friends is, well... disgusting. I have called more people out on this one, than merely You, and frankly, I would rather be able to speak to someone who isn't hiding behind some kind of a mask- And Yes. I view being "Anonymous" as hiding behind a mask.

Clearly, child, you have allowed your would-be power to go straight to your head. It's no wonder you don't care for me. I'm honest, and admittedly, I can be a real asshole. But then you never really took nor TAKE the time to even try to know why I am this way. Maybe we should have a Real conversation, sometime, so you CAN figure out why I am such an "ass", at times.

But then... maybe on your next visit into my 'madness', you will stop to think about how disrespectful you have been toward Me, first. I show respect to those who show it to Me. And generally, I am the one to show respect in Return. I can easily respect You for WHO and HOW you are, because it's Your way. But don't try to act like you are "King or Queen" of the earth, with Me, because you will not like how quickly I will, with Pleasure, tear you down, like a hill of pebbles and rocks.

Think about this, for a minute... When I originally had the nickname of "The Cowboy From Hell", I didn't earn that nickname for nothing. But that is only "Me", when I am provoked or someone starts getting rude with Me, whilst hiding behind a mask. Next time, show me that you have a spine, and I'll likely show you more respect, IF you show Me and my friends that same respect retrospect.




Getting Back In Practice~~

00:20 Nov 09 2013
Times Read: 773

I've finally decided to start playing the piano again, about five years of practically going stir crazy from 'withdrawal'. Admittedly, I owe a special someone a "Thank You" for giving me the little 'push' I needed to get back into it.

It's been far too long since I've played, and I'm afraid I'm extremely out of practice in it. I've managed to do a few recordings, here and there, but to Me, the first two sounded just awful. Though to the people who've heard the recordings (one of them has heard both, anyway), apparently they're rather good.

I guess the old saying still holds true-- "We Are Often Our Own Worst Critics". But then again, I never have had much of a "self esteem", but in the same regard, I don't really see how it makes any difference, since the only way I know I would truly be 'happy' would be to leave behind the very place that I still allow to hold me prisoner for reasons beyond my comprehension.

If only people knew that the very 'music' that I appear to show so much emotion through is brought by the very thing that feels to give these fingers "life" again...

One thing I think I've noticed, however, is that I seem to be "a few miles off" when I'm dealing with a blinding light when I play. Leave it to one like myself to be able to play closer to my own mind, when sitting in pitch black darkness. Unfortunately, I didn't do THAT recording with video. It was solely sound. Go figure.




''Re-Calibration Required...''

01:54 Nov 06 2013
Times Read: 781

Evidently, these 'old' fingers are in DESPERATE Need of Re-Calibration.

I finally manage to find a piano, at the college, and when I started playing, I swear... it Sounded Awful. I don't know if it sounded as bad to everyone else listening, but to Me, it was just terrible.

But as I promised a friend, I did record it anyway. I did two recordings; one with video, and the other only sound. But frankly, I think I need to get back into playing, BAD. I haven't even played a guitar in so long, that I'm not even sure if I Can, anymore. That's getting pretty pathetic, in my opinion.




And Yet, Again...

01:44 Nov 05 2013
Times Read: 799

Evidently, it's feeding time, for me, Yet Again. Damn, it really is a good thing I got the livers when I did. I just hope they're still good, since I opened them up the other night, and they can't exactly be frozen.

Frankly, what can be consumed around here is... awful. The taste is just horrendous - nowhere near as pleasant or as filling as the Crimson from another person. But unfortunately, beggars can't be choosers. But at least it works for a little while (though obviously not for long).

I swear, I won't be able to 'feed' properly until I've not only left this place behind once again, but gotten to where I want to be. I'm constantly thirty, around this place, and the 'Hunger' that I feel... isn't even for "normal" food, but for something else that most people wouldn't even think of as "consumable".

Obviously, it doesn't give me the PHYSICAL sustenance, but it keeps my strength good in other manners.



14:04 Nov 05 2013

I'm not sure what your preferences are but at least you have several options to sustain your energies if need be. I'm sure it would beat having to eat liver no doubt. lol


'Feeding' Time~~

03:53 Nov 02 2013
Times Read: 810

I think it's 'feeding' time, tonight. That raw liver in the refrigerator is beginning to smell awfully good, at this point. And I can still feel myself getting weaker, as I go. I'm damn grateful I was smart enough to get that damn container, today, when I had the chance, because I may not have the time or opportunity to feed again for damn near another month.



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