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Confusion, Confusion... Damn Depressing Confusion... and frustration to boot...
09:14 Oct 25 2022 Times Read: 136
It seems that of late, I've been in such a strange "funk" that I don't even have it in me to keep up with the poetry as I usually would. It's been months since I've had any drive to write anything, and even the last little piece I did, I literally had to force myself to put it together.
I wish I could say "I don't know why", but unfortunately, I know exactly why I've been like this. The only thing that I've been able to bring myself to do is read dozens of books, back-to-back, to the point where I can damn near quote them all verbatim and explain everything thoroughly if I wanted to.
I know I've reached the point in life where I'm pretty much an empty shell of the person people once thought I was, but this is almost ridiculous.
I find myself often 'depressed' to the point of literally being in physical pain from it, all the time, and yet, just recently, I had to fight back a level of rage I haven't shown in years. It kind of seems like the combination of sheer boredom and (helplessly) recollecting things has left me feeling so hollow that I don't even know what to do with myself, at this point. I just fill the void with knowledge to the point of being a physical headache, even to myself, and the only other thing I do with my "loose" time is keep music going, which the only time I understand the emotion it evokes is when I'm completely numb.
I suppose it also doesn't really help that I seem to sense the mental state(s) of others beyond my walls (given that I literally live at my workplace).
I still have the wish to write, but I don't even have the drive to do it. Talk about a confusing state of mind. It feels almost like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.