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Fizbop's Journal


Fizbop's Journal

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17 entries this month
 

My Pharmacist

01:03 Dec 31 2018
Times Read: 300


My personal pharmacist called me this morning. He had wanted to see what had happened yesterday. I told him everything that had gone wrong. He profusely apologized to me and is going to talk to my psychiatrist as apologize to them. He then said that he'd make sure that the guy that fucked with me won't ever be back. Also that he'd let his supervisor know what was going on.

Overall my pharmacist is a good guy. Always looks out for me. When he met me he had no idea that I was trans. I informed him that I was trans and he's been really respectful of that even putting my prefered name on my medication it's really amazing.

I'll touch base with him tomorrow.


COMMENTS

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Bad Pharmacist

20:29 Dec 29 2018
Times Read: 326


I loathe you sometimes so only one of my new mental health meds could be filled. Venlafaxine supposed to take 2 they only covered one tab . I’m upset. So upset I didn’t finish this.

Prazosin 5mg will be filled 31st

Venalfaxine 150 mg 1 a day instead of 2

Buspirone 15 mg not in stock for 4 months.

I was so excited to start my new regime of meds I’m unhappy that I can’t and the pharmacist wasn’t nice to me at all. He kept calling me sir. I glared and didn’t respond to him. Til he got my right pronoun my normal pharmacist will be hearing about this.

Update 1:25 pm Title changed as well

So my psychologist called and told me how rude this guy was to them as well. It was to the point they don’t even want to deal with this guy. I don’t blame them. My psych said she wanted to strangle him I said I was across the counter from him and wanted to do that. He kept calling me him and even my psych was correcting this asshole of a pharmacist. I’m trying to get a hold of my own personal pharmacist. Don’t know when he’s in but I’m going to find out and lodge a complaint. Stay tuned there maybe more to this.


COMMENTS

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KarminaTheDarkAngel
KarminaTheDarkAngel
03:57 Dec 30 2018

I had an experience where the pharmacy didnt want to fill my oxy precript. ( i had kidney stones) ..he wouldnt look at me .. kept his eyes down .. and only said he cant give that to me .. didnt suggest where I could find it . or if they could get it in .. just nasty .
pfft who are they to JUDGE ?





 

When you fall for someone

15:38 Dec 29 2018
Times Read: 338


VR only Journal Entry

So I'm poly, and I screw up a lot cuz I speak and don't think. I'm very impulsive. I can't help who I fall for you know. My heart wants anyone willing to take it. Yet, I always say the wrong thing and upset people. When I see things it either is or isn't what I think it is. There's no debate I argue my point to the point of no one wants to argue their point anymore. I'm one of the most complicated people in the world. I've had a very rough life, not that I'm saying my life is any rougher then anyone else's. Now I have to clarify what I say so that I don't upset someone.

I'm a lost girl in a woman's body who has no idea who she really is.


COMMENTS

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NikkiAidyn
NikkiAidyn
19:30 Dec 29 2018

Just be you. You dont have to apologize because who you are is a good person in my eyes





 

Psychologist Appointment

01:10 Dec 29 2018
Times Read: 353


It was a cold and snowy day not sticking snow but snow nevertheless. My initial appointment was supposed to be at 10:35 am my transportation never showed. After calling the transportation service, they called the driver who had said they were going to be there in 15 mins. I call back 20 mins later still no ride and the insurance called my Psychologist and moved my appointment to 12:45 pm my ride had gotten stuck in the snow an hour away even though they had just told my insurance that they’d be here in 15 mins. Anyways they still arrived late to get me I was about to have a fucking meltdown.

This driver honestly shouldn’t be driving they took their hands off the wheel multiple times to talk with their hands. Blew by 2 stop signs and almost hit the curb a dozen of times. The whole drive made me extremely nauseated and I never get car sick.

I arrive at the appointment and they ask if I’d like some tea, and gave me some new flavor I’ve never had. Something with the letter R I can’t recall. It was a very good tea and was nice to be sipping it for the meet and greet with the Psychologist.

The meet and greet went really well the Psychologist gendered me correctly and used my correct pronouns and stated that where she worked what people want to identify is what matters and should be respected. I felt I was at home and discussed signing my surgery paper briefly. She said if they allowed her to she would sign off on it so woot.

Discussed my issues with the other medications and brought up my concerns and she took me off of every medication. Then gave me 3 medications. I was a walking pharmacy til today no more. I can’t wait to start these sadly I can’t get them today and will be tomorrow.


COMMENTS

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NikkiAidyn
NikkiAidyn
01:16 Dec 29 2018

Wow what a rough trip. I'm sorry!

I'm glad the visit went well for you though





LadyArywen
LadyArywen
01:21 Dec 29 2018

awwe well im blessed your day went well over the dam driver , i would of called the cops but thats me lol.





KarminaTheDarkAngel
KarminaTheDarkAngel
01:32 Dec 29 2018

I'm glad the visit went well ..sounds like a good Psychologist:) ...the trip didnt sound so good but alls well that ends well..blessed be!





stormlover909
stormlover909
05:02 Dec 29 2018

am sorry





 

Looking forward to 2019

07:40 Dec 28 2018
Times Read: 364


Something I didn't expect when I came back here. I'm very great full to the amount of support that I've been getting from here. I'm really really really shocked I didn't expect so many people to be so supportive to me. I would like to take this time to thank you all for it. I know I rant about things that happen in my life a lot but that's what I do to get it out. This transition has been extremely helpful to me and has made me a lot happier. I'm so happy to be who I've always been. Anyways, Thank you for your supportive comments words and messages they have been a blessing and they aren't going unnoticed.

Looking forward to 2019

All my love
Kaytyln
Fizbop


COMMENTS

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Dakotah
Dakotah
17:27 Dec 28 2018

You are a good person, Kaytyln. We all need support sometimes. :)





NikkiAidyn
NikkiAidyn
21:41 Dec 28 2018

You deserve it. I hope 2019 is a wonderful year for you





LadyArywen
LadyArywen
01:20 Dec 29 2018

your amazing love we will always be there to support you are a beautiful inside and out :)





 

Therapy Appointment 3

21:01 Dec 26 2018
Times Read: 373


Another good appointment. She made me cry again. Well ok she didn’t but she had let me get out something I was holding onto recently. Don’t know why I can cry so easily for her rather then myself. She keeps reminding me it’s ok to have these emotions. So I told her how I didn’t do the assignment of writing the trauma out in like age gaps. 0-3 this that or the other happened. I told her I was afraid that she’d be angry with me for not doing it and how hard it was just to write one. Especially around this time of the year I was reminded that it probably wasn’t a good time to go exploring my trauma.

So now she said I could jump around and do the easier trauma first and then the harder ones. She suggested I draw it. This could get really dark. The amount of time I would have to spend on one drawing alone to get all the details just right is enormous. I actually am more then likely going to start this soon. I do and don’t want to but as my therapist stated that I have to try to deal with it.

It scares me to be honest.


COMMENTS

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Dakotah
Dakotah
17:29 Dec 28 2018

I did that once. It was hard. But worth it in the end. It really helped. One thing I was told to do was to draw pictures and to use my left hand ( I am right handed) because using the oppiste hand helps you to tap into the child within and it worked. Try it.





Fizbop
Fizbop
01:06 Dec 29 2018

oh really?





 

Feelings annoy me sometimes

22:55 Dec 25 2018
Times Read: 394


Ever get upset cuz someone does the same thing every time around the same day feeling like it was intentional. Like the want to upset you intentionally. I’m just trying to have a great holiday and now I feel angry and upset and want to cry.

Do i?

No.

I just bottle it up like I always do. I want to punch a wall and put my fist threw it.

I need to be held.


COMMENTS

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DarkNightmares
DarkNightmares
14:26 Dec 26 2018

Have you told the person that it annoys you? The person might surprise you by stopping.





Fizbop
Fizbop
15:53 Dec 26 2018

No they are my ex-wife I try to have minimal contactwith them





LadyArywen
LadyArywen
01:26 Dec 29 2018

write it on paper then throw it in fire to erase the painful thoughts thats what i do remeber use a bowl of water when doing this or u will catch something on fire giggles.





 

Dysphoria

18:47 Dec 23 2018
Times Read: 425


I'm about to have a fucking melt down. I just got major dysphoria. Was talking in a support room for LGBTQ + and someone mentioned that they were absolutely free from Testosterone. As I reflect on this I see so many others transitions that are going better than mine. It really makes me jealous of them. Why didn’t I realize that I was a woman so much earlier in my life. It would have saved me a lot of pain. There’s a lot of wonderfully gorgeous Trans Women doing a lot better then I am.

I’ve been on HRT for 1 year 3 months and just now only seeing my face feminine. My breast seem to not be going anywhere. They are really really small and it upsets me. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was supposed to make things better and more balanced. Do not get me wrong here I love what’s happening with me and I know it takes time but I’ve seen Trans Women only on their 3rd month looking a hell of a lot better then I am.

Though I’ll admit that my transition is going better then some others but still. I don’t think you understand that I need this to go very well. It hurts me a lot to see any sign that I was ever a male. It pains me to no end. I just want to be that pretty sexy woman I am on the inside.

I really need a confidence booster. I’m lacking in that area. Every time I post a picture I hope to get all the love and awesome comments, and then it’s a bunch of likes but barely any comments I need VALIDATION. Is that too much to ask for. I know I shouldn’t rely on opinion of others but I do. It means everything to me to be seen as a beautiful attractive woman.

Honestly, I’m fed up with being any bit male, and it all bothers me to the point where I’ve gotten rid of all my male photos. I don’t want to be reminded of what I used to be / was forced to be. It was the standards of the time.

I’m hurting so much and I just want to cry.


COMMENTS

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NikkiAidyn
NikkiAidyn
20:47 Dec 23 2018

You look beautiful. Just keep being strong and I'm sure it'll pay off in the end.





TheArtistRose
TheArtistRose
01:38 Dec 26 2018

I remember some of the photos.





LadyArywen
LadyArywen
01:25 Dec 29 2018

Your beautiful Katlyn dont forget who you are now the past does not matter, Smiles.





 

Nightmares Return

21:01 Dec 22 2018
Times Read: 433


After several months of nothing having any nightmares. I have one last night. First let me say that before this nightmare happened I was asleep til about 4:30 am. I felt extremely hot and I was overheating to the point that I got ill. I went back to sleep.

The nightmare was about people coming for me to take away my transition medications. Saying that it’s no longer allowed and I can never be a woman no matter what I do. I tried to run away but kept going in circles and ended up back where they took everything away from me. My insurance, my medicine. All my research sources were taken down off line. There was no mention of trans anywhere. It was the most horrible thing.


COMMENTS

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ChantingBattlefield
ChantingBattlefield
20:52 Dec 29 2018

been trying to get my medicine and to see the docs for my back pain but is because i have arthritis they wont send me a Medicaid information they just took me off of it, I know how you feel with battling this bullshit called insurance! Even though i get government insurance is better then nothing, I'm a health fanatic and i really care about my body, I want to loose weight but my doc does not believe in diet pills ugh the stress in life!!





 

Interview Starbucks

00:57 Dec 22 2018
Times Read: 472


oday, I had an interview with Starbucks. I feel that it went pretty well today. I walked in and to the counter and the first thing said to me was “How Can I get you Ma’am?” I asked for the Hiring manager and she had explained that she was that person. She then said “You must be Kaytlyn.” This made me smile along with being gendered correctly. She then asked me if I’d like a drink. I had to explain that I had no money at all and wouldn’t been able to pay for it. She gave me one for free for the interview.

She was really pleasant only asking a few questions. At the end of the Interview she stated she would ask other HR people to see if they had any open placements. Also that if she had a free spot I would have landed the job. Although, I almost missed the Interview cuz I messed up the time.

It’s really nice to have people gendering me correctly. That’s a lot of weight off my shoulders. I really believe people are finally seeing my feminine self. It’s really an amazing feeling. Finally I pass and I had no make up on what so ever. Sadly I didn’t have the time.


COMMENTS

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DarkBetty
DarkBetty
01:28 Dec 22 2018

I'm so happy for you. It sounds like you had a great day! I hope you get the job! I'm sure you will. =)





TheWickedQueen
TheWickedQueen
02:21 Dec 22 2018

I hope you get the job! 😁





Fizbop
Fizbop
04:01 Dec 22 2018

well it's not til spring but thank you





ChantingBattlefield
ChantingBattlefield
20:55 Dec 29 2018

I like how people realize who you are hon is amazing to feel the smile on your face after reading so much of your heart ache! Blessed be love!





 

Psychiatrist where are you?

05:13 Dec 20 2018
Times Read: 511


had my therapy appointment and she gave me a notebook to break down my trauma to age ranges that the events happened. She feels that by breaking them down to tackle them one at a time would help. My thoughts on this are is a very logical as scientific way of doing it. Which is right up my alley.

She also called a Psychiatrist Torres on my behalf to get my meds back in track. I’m patiently waiting on that.

Got a call later in the day to let me know I’m a special case and they couldn’t fit me in. I got very upset. I was like so my mental health is so bad I have to be apart from everyone else and can’t get help. The guy stated I had to understand the situation that she couldn’t take any more clientele. And he hung up.

Still in search for a psychiatrist.


COMMENTS

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AngryDarkness
AngryDarkness
07:23 Dec 20 2018

Hopeful! you will find a good psychiatrist's that know what he or she is doing. Writing, expressive art and getting close to nature helps. People can be so harsh at times but don't take them personally.





Fizbop
Fizbop
04:01 Dec 22 2018

thank you , sadly i take everything personally





ChantingBattlefield
ChantingBattlefield
20:55 Dec 29 2018

I think every women has a sensitive side grins!





 

Craptastic craptacular

02:02 Dec 19 2018
Times Read: 530


Walmart the major cause of my anxiety. It was pretty packed today and there were a few times I got triggered and there were a few times I had PTSD events and I feel really lost now.

Right now I feel like I'm hurting I feel so very alone I feel that I can't do anything right I feel so lost. Right now I just want curl up into a ball and just cry really hard and I'm trying not to and I just don't know anymore. People were looking at me strangely today and it's not good. Not good at all.

I just don't know what to


COMMENTS

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DarkNightmares
DarkNightmares
14:15 Dec 19 2018

If people are looking at you, then flaunt it,give them a show, break into dance, make them look more.





Dakotah
Dakotah
21:30 Dec 19 2018

I agree with Dark. You are perfect, beautiful. Course peeps going to look at a beautiful women. Own it!





Fizbop
Fizbop
05:15 Dec 20 2018

y'all really think that is what it is





 

Name Change on VR and you lose too much

04:33 Dec 12 2018
Times Read: 559


I really need to change my name on here but I would lose waaaaaaaaaaaay too much things. Just so I can have a feminnine name on here. I don't like that


COMMENTS

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imagesinwords
imagesinwords
12:38 Dec 12 2018

Honestly, Fizbop sounds pretty unisex.





XbluesandX
XbluesandX
14:18 Dec 12 2018

I always reminded me of champagne.





Fizbop
Fizbop
22:08 Dec 12 2018

Lol, meh I'll just keep my unisex name thanks images





 

Name Change on VR

20:45 Dec 11 2018
Times Read: 582


I have a few questions, do you lose your levels or any ratings what not.

What do you have to lose when you change your name on vr is basiclly what I'm asking..


COMMENTS

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cutexbutxpsycho
cutexbutxpsycho
20:56 Dec 11 2018

The only thing I lost after changing was stalkers, and journal adds which resulted in me dropping a couple levels. You don't lose anything drastic.





Fizbop
Fizbop
21:00 Dec 11 2018

ah that's not good.,





imagesinwords
imagesinwords
03:21 Dec 12 2018

Your journal is also deleted. You lose a lot.





ChantingBattlefield
ChantingBattlefield
04:30 Dec 12 2018

You loose database wherever you are at I had to start over and I was almost done, LOL so no no fizzz Do not hit that name change button unless you want your rating score to drop and possible loss of -Main forum posts " giggles." Just saying and helping.





 

Blog update

04:45 Dec 08 2018
Times Read: 601




Kaytlyn's Blog



COMMENTS

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Change

20:34 Dec 05 2018
Times Read: 619


"We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people; all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me."

11th Doctor – Matt Smith – The Doctor

So I’ve changed again, I don’t know how I feel about it yet. It will be revealed soon. As The Doctor said about change it can be good to move forward.

Defining myself as I become more Kaytlyn there’s a lot of work to be done. Some gradual some instant and a blink of an eye.

Thank you for joining me in my journey


COMMENTS

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Totally at a loss

00:40 Dec 01 2018
Times Read: 505


Before I went into the hospital, I had a therapist, and she was getting me a psychiatrist. That appointment 6 months later didn't go well. In fact the person refused to help me. I contacted the admin that never got back to me after logging the complaint.

So I've been not only looking for a new therapist but a psychiatrist as well. This has been a very long and exhausted search and I still don't have a psychologist. Beyond frustrating. I'm in a fragile state of mind.

Today got a new therapist set up and hopefully it'll go well.

Also today I felt really wronged when someone called me a crossdresser and a sissy. I'm nether of those, I made a post about that and one person wanted to nit pick about if there's a space between trans woman. Started some really unnecessary comments when I was seeking support.


COMMENTS

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