Fizbop's Journal

Fizbop's Journal


Honor: 47    [ Give / Take ]


1 entry this month


05:35 Dec 11 2021
Times Read: 271

No matter what I do. No matter how hard I try. I search and search and search some more. A ton of apps that I delete and install and delete and install. I am seriously bad at conversation. I'm seriously bad at finding things I like about myself when there is so much save a few things here and there but not to what I see in a mirror. I see that person in the mirror and all I do is hate them. It's not the person I want to see staring back at me. Now I know a lot of you love me the way I am. I appreciator that honestly I do. I can't help that I feel everything about me is wrong from head to toe and brain that no one understands not even me. I don't understand myself with out going into a major some sort of brain malfunction. I also don't understand what the people that do love me see about me that they love.

I used to sleep around a lot with men. I lost myself in it cuz all I cared about was being fucked fucked fucked. I can't do that to myself again. There was a person that loved me and all of me and understood me. They helped me deal with somethings. A few years later they died right in front of me. Death isn't something I deal with well in the first place. I know it's life. I don't know how to handle a loss with out losing my shit. I ended up in a mental hospital after that. I spent 3 months there trying to sort things out. No one ever tried to help me at the hospital it was here take all these pills and tell us what happened. Day in Day out never stopping. The food at the hospital is always horrible. My eating disorder came back on. I would barely eat barely talk It had gotten closer to the 3 month mark. I started to lie and claim I was getting better. I would say anything to get the hell out of a place that had no intention of helping me. Used my brains against theirs. I challenged them and I won... or so I thought.

Today my mental health is the worst it's ever been. I fight my thoughts day in day out. They torment me. I challenge anyone who claims they can help me. In the end they give up on me, try to convince me that it's how I think about things. My thinking is quite fine thank you. Yes, I forget things a lot now. Something is going on in my brain but I can tell you it's not how things are. All the claims end up in me and them debating who's right and who isn't. That isn't helpful and obviously they were not a good fit for me. Now I've had therapist really care about me and listen to everything I wanted to say, and not argue if it was my thinking or not. However they would share something that related to what I was saying and that helped me figure somethings out. These people understood me these people got me these people did something to help me. I never had to challenge them.

I've been in 6 mental hospitals 2 of which actually helped me and didn't just try to give me a bunch of pills. Even though the classes they they gave us were things I already was doing. I had people actually sit down with me and just talk. You don't know how much that really helps. Not as much as I would like it to but it does help some.

I think I just scare people away cuz I'm different. Yes I know everyone is different. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel sexy. I don't feel any of those things. I ain't goin to win no beauty contest and you know it. Even with out someone seeing my face or hearing me talk. They call me sir.

It's like no matter what I do they won't stop doing that even after me correcting them several times.

I just want to be loved and cared about and somewhere safe in loving arms.



18:08 Dec 11 2021

It's the hormones girl. Better you than me. Lol

All kidding aside since you are a practitioner of the subtle arts you should know that before the scales balance they must be unbalanced first. At this time in the turning you may not have what you desire but a lot of things can happen in eternity some you will achieve in this life in learning to appreciate what you have but what you don't will turn to something else. Does not all of nature tell you that?

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