My testosterone is almost where I need it. I got a new medication Finasteride. My Estradiol was leveled up. My progesterone was leveled up. My xrays turned out ok but my doc wants me to see a orthopedic for my back. Had a few issues with my medication being filled but that was because of an intern.
I haven't been feeling that well lately and its really taking a toll on me. I've been stressed out to the max depression and dysphoria always a constant. Some of my friends have just stopped talking to me and no reason given.
I really need my srs surgery it's getting really difficult to deal with. I want it gone and I want to feel right. I've been using the ladies room regularly. Practicing my fem voice in public when speaking to people I don't know and aren't really comfortable with.
I got some people working on finding housing for me. Which is good. Well I hope that it goes well. I'm really tired of struggling in my life with depression and dysphoria. My partner helps as much as they can and I appreciate them being there for me.
Honestly it really hurts me that I'm not complete.
Dysphoria Strikes again.
So I always get Dysphoria when I see have even one hair on my body, I have to shave or I feel like having a panic attack. I check 3 to 4 times for any body hair. Which means I feel every spot I shave and then feel for hair and if I missed I shave the spot again. I’m dead serious about not having hair on my body. DO NOT WANT IT! Then I dry off and notice like one stray hair that I missed and it pisses me off.
There are times it’s really bad and I shave like a maniac. I want it off off OFF! you know. Anyone else deal with this?
Also while shaving I pulled my self really hard in a very delicate area and hurt myself and was in pain for a few days. Then I was adjusting myself from falling out of my undergarments and hurt myself intentionally. Anyone else out there deal with this of not liking their parts to the point they are hurting themselves?
Dysphoria running rapid.
Hurts so much seeing hair where there shouldn't be.
Mismatched parts that annoy me.
Crying at night wishing I was complete.
When will this happen?
It's taking so long.
My patience is wearing thin.
Shaving almost every other day.
One tiny hair and I freak out.
Voice isn't where I want it yet.
My breast are growing and itchy.
Though they are looking very nicely.
Ultimate goal for summer a bikini.
Need to build stomach muscles so I look great.
Workout ruteeen needed.
I just want to be hot and sexy.
Found my hair style and I love it.
My makeup still needs some work.
Trying new techniques daily.
Working on my voice every other day.
HRT 1 year 4 Months.
Need surgery can't afford it.
At least bottom surgery.
Still thinking of doing the facial surgery.
We shall see about that.
I'm hurting so bad from Dysphoria.
I'm so devastated about this
They couldn't even put my name. Denied!!!
From: Point of Pride
We regret to inform you that your application was not selected to move forward as a finalist for Point of Pride's 2019 Annual Transgender Surgery Fund.
As you may know, the volume of applications we received was over 1,500. Each of you is so deserving of the care you need, but we have extremely limited financial resources and had to make some very difficult decisions.
Our team is constantly fundraising: we are always looking to award more applicants with financial aid as resources and grants become available. If you are being considered for funding later this year, we will contact you via email.
We thank you for your application, and you are welcome to apply again next year.
Please sign up to our general e-mail newsletter list (form in the footer of our website) for updates related to next year's cycle.
If you are seeking electrolysis or laser hair removal:
We encourage you to apply for our Electrolysis Support Program. Applications are open now and again at different points throughout the year. You may learn more here: https://pointofpride.org/electrolysis-support-program/
If you are in the military or active duty:
There may be coverage options or resources available to you. This page has downloadable PDF documentation regarding transgender-related care, and may be helpful in navigating your options.
If you're considering alternative means of fundraising:
Many applicants shared that they were trying to start a GoFundme fundraiser, or were unsure about financing options such as CareCredit. Here are some resources that may be helpful.
GoFundme's Medical Crowdfunding Guide
Comprehensive Guide to Surgery Fundraising
6 Creative Ways to Raise Money for Your Trans Surgery
What You Should Know Before Using CareCredit to Pay for Medical Expenses
How to Approach Getting Insurance Coverage for a Trans Surgery
Does Medicare Cover Gender-Affirming Surgery?
The Point of Pride Board of Directors
Very traumatic visit on the 16th of January. Two things I talked about were the rape that went on for 5 years off and on which is pretty graphic so I’m sparing you the details of that. Then I spoke about the thing that first sent me into split personalities, and sent me into the Mental Hospital for the first time. Both were hard to talk about I couldn’t even bring myself to actually tell her about the rape that had happened I wrote it down in great detail. All she could do was say how can people do something like that to another person.
When I went into the mental hospital I had just turned 21 22 ish. I was dating this gal at the time. Who had told me for two years that’s right two years that she loved me very much every day. We had a lot of very hot sex again I’ll save you the details of that. So she started to work for the Renaissance Fair she would come home every night. Until one night…
It was very early in the morning around 3 am I had fallen asleep waiting for her to come home. She called and woke me up so I wasn’t all there. You know the kind of wake up I’m talking about. You’re half awake barely paying attention to anything. She starts to talk about how she wasn’t coming home. She then went on to explain she had been sleeping with her boss, and describing how much bigger and better he was. I knew she was trying to hit all my buttons. I just shrugged that off after all if that’s what she wanted to do with her body that’s her choice. I can’t tell someone who they can and can’t sleep with after all you choose what you want to do with your own body.
After she went into great length to try to hurt me which didn’t work. She told me the horrible truth that I couldn’t handle. Remember how I wrote above how many times she had said I love you… Well guess what? That turned out to be a big fat fucking lie, She told me she had nothing but lust for me. I flipped out and tried to kill myself and split into several personalities that was fucking fun to battle. I’m not going into detail on that either to spare you my readers.
So I called the cops on myself and was admitted to a mental hospital for 3 months.
Since, 786 people couldn't seem to also rate my Portfolio....
I'm posting updated Portfolio pictures here cuz people actually read my journal
I pull up to The Doctor’s and there’s this mysterious Blue Box that says Police Box. Nah that didn’t really happen but still I wanted to write it. 1/14/18 I’m going to my Doctor’s Appointment. I go check in and wait to be called. I get my blood pressure check (normal as always). Temperature was checked (Normal). Also had my pulse checked no idea why they do that one but it was (Normal) as well. I get weighed I’m up to 126.5 Lbs when the heck did I gain weight.
During this check up the nurse mentions my eye shadow and complements it and says I can’t do that for some reason so I always just use mascara. I told her basically if you want to do eye shadow you just need to keep practicing. Do a solid color to start off and gradually move to other techniques. She was impressed how much I knew my stuff. She asked me the reason of my visit. It was to get my levels checked for HRT to see where I’m at and to mention about the rash that I got from the hair dye.
She brings me to the Room that I always end up in Room 2. I said to the nurse they always bring me to this exact room she said she’d put my name on it next time we both had a laugh. Waiting for my Doctor to show I messed around on my phone for a bit. My Doctor then came in and the first thing she said was You’re looking really good the HRT is really working out great for you. She asked me what was going on. I told her about the rash and asked about the inject-able estradiol found out I’m not supposed to be taken all 3 at once and that I’m supposed to let it dissolve underneath my tongue I said they could have written that and Laughed. I told her about the rash and she scolded me for not seeing her. She was like you can come to me for anything.
I asked about getting the flu shot told her about my back hurting and then she noticed my nose was a bit off for the first time. So not only did I get my levels’ checked at the office, I got my flu shot as well, and X-Rays. It was a very busy day I was there for quite some time. I am very lucky the X-Ray tech could squeeze me in she was really nice to me too.
That sounds great whatever you are doing seems to be working out so very happy for you Fizbop.
Nice glad things worked out I always end up in room 2 as well lol ironic
You can try henna or less harsh products for your hair. :) Lots of conventional dyes burn my scalp and give me horrible reactions, so I switched to henna and "veggie dyes", like Manic Panic.
Sadly I turned in my drawing for my Trama timeline before taking a picture of it to put in my journal. I drew an event from when I was in 7th grade. I was in band back then. I had just got to class and couldn’t afford being tardy to the class. You got one and they would kick you out that sort of thing. So I go to my seat with my tuba, and raise my hand to ask to go to the rest room. The band instructor refused my request.
He had stated you should have gone before class. Now this band room was on the opposite side of the building it took the whole time that you got to get to your next class to get there. No matter how fast you walked. So I keep stressing the urgency to go to the restroom. The Instructor said no no no, and I was It’s urgent please let me go. I made one last effort to get to go he denied me and I wet myself in class. Everyone made fun of me and he sent me to the nurse to get changed.
The next thing that we went over was my first rape that still today no one believes it really happened save those who know me really well. I’ll spare you the details because it’s graphic. Even my therapist had said that’s a vivid reconciliation. You remember all those details so clearly. I said it’s because it’s like a movie playing in my head and I know every single thing that happened when I was first raped.
Today was a very busy day. Woke up had 2 cups of coffee did my amazing makeup. It’s a new technique that I learned on my own.
See the following images
I don't understand I'm trying to upload my css file and it's the correct extension but when I upload it it turns into *.txt
Wow it’s been 4 appointments already? I gave her my drawing I did for my trauma timeline. She wanted to keep it for some reason I didn’t ask. I probably should have asked. She did this thing where she made me come up with a safe place and a word to associate it to help with things. I thought of Utah where the sunrises in the beautiful land. The word I associated with it was the word beautiful.
She had asked me to think of a good moment and associate that image with that word and asked me where I feel it and it was my heart. Then she told me to think about some incidents I didn’t feel so good with and I felt sad. Sometimes she’d do this light thing that was supposed to help. It did a bit but not to any really great significance. She also mentioned that due to what was currently going on with me I shouldn’t be working because it could lead to a break down. However, what else am I supposed to do. I can’t stay where I am forever and my time here is growing shorter and shorter. I hate being homeless and broke.
One doesn’t simply walk into Walmart. I had to do grocery shopping today. Right when I walked in felt this nasty vibe. I tried to ignore it and went to the gardening area of the store. They had a 75% Off of xmas stuff that they had extra of. I got some more makeup and a cherry blossom bath bomb. I used that in a bath I just had. It was wonderful and I smell awesome. The makeup set looks really nice too. Anyways not what I wanted to talk about.
Walking by and looking at all the cute clothing which I had to force myself to get away from. Made my way to the grocery section of Walmart trying to decide on a block of cheese that I wanted to get for the house. While trying to find one some people come up behind me and a person clears their throat instead of saying excuse me. Making me very irritated cuz they couldn’t politely ask me to move so they could look at the cheese.
About maybe 20 mins later some person passes me points a finger right at me laughing. I felt so hurt by this I couldn’t even let it go. I should have said something to them. Alas I didn’t because I’m way to nice.
Sometimes it's better to take the high road. I know that sometimes that's hard to do and it hurts when strangers takes a dislike to other people without even knowing the real person inside. But you can't let it get to you. You are so much more better then they are. You know...Wish I had been with you. I would have made him eat that finger for doing that to you. I really dislike bullies. So don't let it get to you. From what I've heard about you. You're a wonderful person.
Happy New Year . :)
What she said. People suck. Ignore what you can.
Wow 2018 just flew by, not quiet 2019 yet just a few hours away as I’m writing this. I took a look back at all my pictures of 2018 and I’ve changed so much I guess it’s easier to see when you compare one picture from your past to a picture now. Day by Day just really unnoticeable probably because it runs so slow. Just got so much on my mind.
My voice, I know I need to actually work on it and stop making excuses for not doing it. It’s foremost on my mind and I really need to kick it into high gear and make it a priority. At least move it up from barely doing it to trying to do it all the time. It’s just difficult to maintain it or keep it level and that’s probably a good reason to be working on it. I know my voice is there and it wants out. I find myself listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance. I never heard them when they first came out. I really actually enjoy their music. I just didn’t want to jump on the band wagon of anyone else you know?
Also I want to get my hair cut and done the way I want it. You find little things you change and you take them one at a time. Just easier then dealing with a massive change all at once. That takes me back to what my therapist wanted me to do with my trauma if you are keeping up with my blog. I just don’t think breaking the trauma down one by one isn’t going to help. It made me feel bad for like 3 days after I drew what I drew.
I’m just going to keep writing til the ink is dry I have a lot to share with you all I hope you’ll join me there in 2019 Happy New To you all.
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