He and I hadn't spoken for a week, last Thursday. And, of course, not knowing what had happened, if something had gone wrong, I was a bit of a mess. I was constantly crying and moping about and looking at my phone for a text message or phone call that wasn't coming. Today, though, he finally got around to calling me and we finally got around to talking. Things were cleared up and worked through. And, he told me, in the week we hadn't spoken, he missed me and he realized just how much he loves me. That made me smile. And, while I never want to have to go through that situation again, it's nice to know he cares so much.
It looks like we won't be moving out of state, quite the opposite really. My parents are looking into buying a house around here, which is nice. They hope the have one by the end of September. So, all that leaves is me looking into finally getting back on track with my life. Everything was on hold while they debated the moving out of state thing. But yeah, I'm happy. I would have hated leaving California, when it's all I've ever really known, when all my family is here.
It's ridiculous how much I miss him when we're not talking or playing together. He's going out with his friend tonight so I won't get to talk to him until tomorrow. Second night in a row without his company.
I really need to stop over thinking every single little thing. I don't know why I'm so afraid that he's just going to leave, but it's beginning to make things far more complicated than they should be. I need to just trust that he's not going anywhere, that he does care for me like he says he does. If I keep up doing the things I normally do in relationships, I'm going to ruin this. I don't want to be like his ex, I don't want him to be in a relationship that was just like his last. I want to be different for him. So, I'm doing my best. And it really helps when we just take some time out and talk, really talk about the things bothering us. I can change my bad behavior, pull myself out of these cycles, break these habits. I won't let typical me ruin what happiness I've managed to find in him.
I don't know if things are getting stale, or if he's just getting bored, or if we just need to finally meet in person, but lately things have just seemed... Off between us. I don't like this. I don't like not knowing what's going on in his head, how he's feeling about things. He keeps it all inside. At least, he does with me. I don't know. Maybe this was just never going to work out.
So, I've been helping my brother and sister-in-law move into their new place this morning. Right in Downtown Los Angeles, literally across the street from the Staples Center. And, the view is the first thing you notice. Now, I'm not a fan of Downtown LA, it's not pretty in the least, but, even I have to admit come nighttime, they are going to have a gorgeous view of the city. It doesn't look like much in the picture, just buildings, but at nighttime, they are lit up beautifully.
New goal for the coming month and a half: Get enough cash together to spend his birthday with him in Vegas. I want it so badly.
I found out today that my Aphrodite has kidney disease. It's early and manageable, but the end result will be the same, she isn't going to have much time. I'm not happy. My last cat, Callie, had to be put to sleep because her kidneys shut down, and now to have my Dite in the same boat, it's hard. I've had her for fifteen years, I don't want to lose her. I love my little fuzzy face, and the thought of her not being there is just depressing. And I know if she passed Ishtar wouldn't be the same.i mean, the three days Dite went missing when we moved were bad enough on Ish, to have to see her with Dite's absence is just going to be hard.
I'm sorry to hear that. My cat Albert was diagnosed with feline leukemia a few weeks ago. The deterioration of his health has happened so rapidly. He's so small and frail now.
Obviously the vet said that euthanasia was an option. That's the word right? I think so. Anyway, yeah, my mom wasn't having it because this pretty much devastated her and I can understand why she said no but he has gotten so much worse I almost wish we had chosen that option because it has been so so sad/difficult to see him go through this. He can't even balance anymore. Like he's wobbly and weak and it's pitiful.
I'm so sorry, Nicole. I know how much you love her. -hugs- just cherish what time you have left and give her all the affection she deserves.
Now, more than ever, I just wish I could be there with him. Cuddled up close. To feel his breath on my skin, his fingers softly caressing, hear him whisper my name in my ear, hear him say he loves me. Now, more than ever, I wish this distance wasn't between us.
I don't think I can put into words just how much I adore that man.
Sometimes I wonder how I ever got so lucky to have someone like him in my life. How someone like him could love me. After all these horrible relationships I've gotten into over the years, it's refreshing to have someone as sweet and caring and appreciative as him. He thanked me tonight, "for everything." It made me smile. I haven't done much for him, I'm not able at this point in time. But he was just so thankful for the little things I have done: sending him the books, buying cans of Red Bull so I could give him a code for Destiny stuff. He just really appriciates what little I can do. And, that makes me feel loved. It's easy to say you love someone, it takes work to actually show them that you do. He constantly shows me. And for that, I am so thankful.
Things are back to normal. Honestly, it's weird being with someone who handles pain and anger in a similar fashion as myself. I get why so many people I've dated had such a hard time with me. It's not pleasant, being pushed away by the person you care about. But, I've gotten past it, somewhat, and he's said he'll try harder not to shut me out. That's all I can really ask for.
I missed him.
I'm tired of this game.
And I'm beginning to realize that he's not so wonderful. He shuts me out and breaks his promises. He keeps me waiting. We need to talk but he won't answer when I call, won't reply to text messages, appears offline on Xbox. How can we work things out if he just avoids me like this? He promised we would talk about things, cut to a day later and I haven't heard from him. This isn't how a relationship works.
You're starting to sound like one of those desperately needy high maintenance chicks that checks your guys cellphone when he gets up to go to the bathroom types. lulz
This is exactly how realistic relationships work. Shits never perfect and people need space and time for themselves to think and accept everything / anything. You might live in California but life ain't Disney.
That's the thing, though, I gave him his space. He said he needed to think about things because he was frustrated, and I said Okay I backed off and gave him the time he wanted. What I don't like, though, is that when he promises we're going to discuss things at a set time and then that time comes around and I hear nothing from him, that gets to me. Don't promise something if you're not going to follow through. If he needed more time that's all he had to say. Flat out avoidance isn't right.
But I do get what you're saying. And maybe you're right. I need to back off. He'll talk to me when he's ready.
He said I was acting like his ex...
Today. Today is the day I actively set out and change things. I don't want to be this person anymore. I need to be better. Not just for him, but for myself. I can't keep going like this.
I can't sleep. I just want to hear him say everything's okay. I want to hear that laugh. I must've called him twenty times, and not once did he pick up. I left a voice message, and something like ten text messages... I get so pathetic. I just don't want to ruin this. I don't want to become that monster that hides inside me, waiting for the right moment. I want to just be able to see him, to show him how sorry I am for acting the way I did, for saying the things I said. I can't keep making excuses for myself, for my behavior and my actions. I need to really grow the fuck up. I can't expect to have a serious relationship if this is how I handle things. Getting upset and angry over something so stupid then begging for forgiveness because I didn't mean it. That's not how an adult deals with a situation. I'm such a hopeless loser...
And typical me, in typical me fashion, I fucked up majorly tonight. God. I am such an idiot. It's a wonder he even bothers with me. I couldn't just say good night and I love you. No. I had to be a fucking bitch and get upset that he wanted to get some sleep. Who the fuck gets upset about that shit? Fuck. I just... I am an idiot. And I shouldn't have said anything or acted the way I did. He doesn't deserve it. No one deserves that. And I say I love him... Christ.
We were in a party together, and as he left to go talk to a friend he let slip, "love you."
I am... I don't even know right now.
And he just told me he's getting me Elder Scrolls Online. That boy... He spoils me.
I want, so desperately, to be able to be there.
I want, so desperately, to look into his eyes, to touch his skin, to see that smile in person. I want to feel the heat, to embrace him, to taste him on my lips. To caress, to explore, to feel. I want him to consume me.
Ran through Halo 1 on Legendary tonight with Zen. I got back into playing with him this last week or so. He finally got his hands on Destiny for the One after so long saying he wouldn't waste the money to buy it since he had it on the 360. So, I've been helping him to 34 in Destiny and he's been helping me through the campaign in Halo. Or rather, he's been carrying me, but it's all good. We have fun playing together.
If there was one real good thing I got from my relationship with Rob, it's that I met all the people I game with now through him. Through Zen. Through Zen I met Joe, through Joe I met my clan, and through my clan I met Chris.