I attempted to get some sleep, it didn't pan out. Did you know that the Blood Gulch Chronicles is now on Netflix? That's the first five seasons of Red vs. Blue, the most amazing Halo machinima web series to ever be created. And now it is on Netflix, all episodes in the seasons hooked together so you don't have starting and ending credits for each episode. It's like a movie. The Guild did the same thing with their series, which is also on Netflix. So yeah, that's what I was watching. I love the Blood Gulch Chronicles. Not as much as I like the later seasons, with Wash and the other Freelancers, but it's good. Some of the most quotable lines come from the first five seasons.
You still haven't done the one final thing I had asked of you. Because that would just be too much, right? But, eh, whatever. The things hold no meaning anymore, so I guess it doesn't matter if they stay or go. Whatever floats your boat, sir.
Everything but Skype and Xbox has been neglected quite a bit lately. I just don't feel like being around here, or well, anywhere online much these days. Well, aside from Skype. I need to be on that daily.
It's the last six weeks. I officially start again on Monday. I am freaking stoked about it. I really am. I should be able to go down and talk to someone in two weeks, see what I need to brush up on, what options are available to me, and all that. Ah, to be moving forward, it feels so good after being stagnant for so long.
I have felt the same way, I think everyone goes through phases like this, but the reason I have been so vocal about my absence and lack of a desire to be online on any of the sites I frequent is...well...it makes me feel guilty lmao. Literally, I feel guilty.
Sometimes you just gotta take a break from VR. This site can be either a great joy, or something that leaves you feeling completely drained and vexed.
I don't know if I have really talked about this before publicly. I know I have told a few people, but I don't know if I ever just put it all out there for anyone and everyone to see... But, after what I saw today I felt I just needed to get some things out. This may go private in the future, I don't know.
I have never met my paternal grandfather on my father's side of the family. Never. The closest thing I did have to a grandfather was Ralph, who my grandmother married long before I was born. But I always knew he wasn't blood, he wasn't really related to me. And I guess I wasn't always the best because of that small fact. I didn't always treat him well, and since his passing last year, I do regret a lot of my actions when I was younger. The one true fact is that he was always more of a grandfather to me than the man who I am bound by blood to. The man who gave me his name.
My "grandfather", my dad's dad has always been something of a mystery to me. All I ever heard were somewhat horrible stories about him. He ran out on my grandmother, my dad, and my aunt when they were children. He bailed on this family, ran away to Mississippi and started another family. One he clearly loved more than mine. I have my aunt, erm, half aunt(?) on Facebook. And earlier she posted pictures of my grandfather with her two daughters. Those girls will grow up knowing that man, loving that man. And me? I don't know if I will ever get the chance to just meet him. I don't know if I even want to at this point. It just hurts, you know? To know that I am not good enough for him, that my brother isn't, that my dad wasn't. That's a hard, bitter pill to swallow. To know that he loves his second family far more than he ever loved his first.
Of course, he and his second wife divorced, but he was there for the children he had with her more than he was for my dad or my aunt. He has been there for the grandkids, yet my brother, my cousin, and I go without having ever met him. He's not a great person, I know, but the fact that he hasn't ever wanted to at least see us, that bothers me. He's never really made any steps to contact us. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have ever heard that he's called my grandmother or my aunt Betty in my entire life. I hate him, yet I want to meet him. If only just once. I want to be able to look him in the eyes and ask him why. Why we were never good enough for him, why he never cared enough to contact my brother or I. Why people on the other side of the country know him better than I do. Wasn't he ever curious about us? Didn't he ever want to know us? We're his family too, didn't he care about that at all?
It hurts. It hurts a lot. And it hits me randomly like this, that pain. That pain of knowing that I mean absolutely nothing to someone I am related to. Someone who, by all accounts, should care about me on some level. I am his granddaughter, after all. His first granddaughter. My brother, his first grandson. And he couldn't care less. I keep hoping that one of these days he would reach out, try to contact us. But, if it hasn't happened yet, in all likelihood, it never will. He will die and that will be the end of it. I'll have never known him, Never seen his face save for in pictures that his second family puts up. Don't get me wrong, I have met his second family, and they are lovely people. But, I hold some resentment towards them, even if it is a little irrational. To know that he picked them over us, that he is a part of their lives and not mine... It's hard not to be jealous of that, to not hate them just a little bit because of it.
I know the feeling. My grandfather was the same way with me... actually, they both were. On my father's side, my grandfather never was there when I needed a grandfather. He let my grandmother belittle me and encouraged my father's wicked behavior towards me.
My mother's father didn't want anything to do with me either. One of the reasons my mom married my step-father is because my grandfather was constantly trying to throw her out, even after she had me.
It does hurt, but the important thing to remember is this: You are an amazing person in spite of their lack of participation in your life. You did have someone there who was a grandfather towards you and did care about you and that matters more than anything else. Sure, you made your mistakes, but as long as you remember the love you were shown and keep close those who were family towards you, it doesn't matter if those so called "blood" relatives were there or not.
Their not being there had nothing to do with you, but with their own selfishness and cowardice.
I mean, come on, he had two failed marriages... he's probably not all that great of a guy and not having him around may have been a good thing. So, you may have dodged a bullet there...
Just some things to think about. Keep them in mind :)
I have similar feelings toward my biological "dad" and because of him, I barely know that entire branch of my family. The last time I saw my biological grandmother was when I was just a few months old. Thankfully as an adult I have taken the initiative to try and get to know the other members of my family, but there's still so much lost. And in the case of my dad, I still hardly know him because he's picked his own life and made a choice to ignore me & my mom.
I does hurt. Over the years I have come to terms with it and things don't hurt as much, but I doubt there will ever be a time when I sit back and say to myself "I'm ok with it."
Here's another idea- not everyone deals the same way... and sometimes shame can overpower desire. The idea that he would be blasted away by you or his children or grandchildren for leaving in the first place could keep him from making contact.
I get it- I have the same situation with grandfathers on both sides of my family. I try to think of them as better than what's been painted... or at least... that there are things I don't know.
I bought a new headset. It was only ten bucks more than my last one, so I figured I would try it. It's not half as comfortable to wear though, my last one was padded all over, and the ear cushions were nicer, this one feels heavy and bulky, but, eh, I'll get over it. It seems to work, the sound is clear, and my voice is clear, I don't have to keep the mic right up to my lips, which is nice. So, we'll see how this one goes and how long it lasts.
I found out yesterday that my 35+ dollar headset I bought just late last month for my Xbox stopped working. Either I have the worst luck with these things or the headsets they make just aren't built to last. The one I had previously crapped out after four months, this one died in less than three weeks. Thankfully I found the warranty information for it and I will be demanding that the company replace it. But, that means a number of weeks without the ability to do co-op gaming. Unless I use Skype or something to talk to the people in my party. I am not happy about this. Is it so much to ask for to want something you pay good money for to just work like it should? Sheesh.
Oh my goodness, I just noticed a certain account's name and I couldn't help but laugh. It's "cute." Really sad, considering who it is, but...cute.
In memoriam of all that was, and all that will never be again.
This is how I say goodbye. For good. There shall be no mourning, no wishing things were different. Choices were made, friendships tossed aside and broken. I can do nothing to fix what has been shattered. I don't even want to try anymore.
Pity... I really liked the graphics on these.
So sweet & eloquent!
I fail to see how any of what's detailed in this entry can be considered "sweet" but, eh, whatever.
I haven't been spending much time here these past few weeks. It's just hard. It's hard to log in, to see certain things. It's hard to know that some things will simply never be the same again. It's hard to accept what has happened as final right now. I'll get there, eventually, but at the moment, I still don't want to believe it.
I doubt things will change for a while. It's not that I don't love this place, or that I don't want to spend time here, it's more that I can't. I can't face it right now, because the wounds are still fresh. So, this is my apology of sorts. Or something like that...
Well, I suppose not all was lost, and for that I am thankful.
I talked to Nate earlier, and he's still willing to be my friend. He said he enjoyed playing Halo with me. So, there's that silver lining.
I'm just thankful that he doesn't hate me as well.
All that training Robert has been giving me, in Firefight and making me run through Halo 3 on Heroic over and over again has seriously helped me become a better player! I noticed it as I was running through some Spartan Ops missions on 4. I am far more cautious than I used to be, and I utilize my long range weapons far better than I used to. Headshots for everyone! And my reflexes are far better than they were before, I am faster and able to anticipate my enemy's movements easier. I'm glad that the time and effort he has put in for me has not been totally wasted. If only he could have seen me in action tonight. I was epic.
Wait until Legendary, you'll be a pro in no time :)
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21:17 Jun 30 2014
"You ever wonder why we're here?"