I heard this song on the radio on my way to work, and it's been stuck in my head since. Something just resonates with me...
This isn't giving anything away, but I did get my new shoes from Dolls Kill in the mail today. I am absolutely and completely in love with them. I can't wait to have a reason to wear them out.
I'm over everything right now. I'm just going to sink back into my corner and be antisocial again. I'm probably not going to be so open here, either. I'm going to try to avoid writing journal entries for a while, and if I do write one, it's likely going to just be private. I've shared too much of myself lately.
i feel the same way
It’s a great form of release though. I was told that if you journal in private to do it in a way that it doesn’t sound like you’re talking to someone who may read it. But when it comes to here I don’t think you should feel discouraged of sharing aspects about yourself because I find that journaling is good for sharing bits and pieces of yourself that other people can relate with. But perhaps you need a break and it sounds like you do. I would say just think about it. :)
In addition to my last post, I know, I'm probably rushing things, already on dating apps and whatever. I need to step back, take time to reflect, be single and find "me" again. Isn't that what people who've had their heart ground up into dust usually say? But, I don't like being single. It doesn't work for me. I like having someone there I can cuddle up and watch movies with, someone who will go out into the world and do things with me. I don't like casual dating, I'm not comfortable on my own. And, it's not like I haven't gone through long streaches where I was single. I was single for like, 6 or 7 years not too long ago. It was horrible. That's when my depression was at its worst. So, I know me, and I know what works for me. Being in a relationship works for me. So, some may say I'm rushing into something new after what, two weeks of being alone? But, honestly, I'm not. I'm just trying to meet people, see where things go.
There's a saying the Korean's have. To get over an old love, get a new one.
On a side note, if you feel you are ready, then its not too quick. Hell my friend here moved her boyfriend in with her two weeks after meeting him, hadn't kicked her estranged husband out of the house when she moved the boyfriend in, and they've been together going on 4 years now, I think. So you are the only one who can decide you are ready.
Dating apps are lame. I'm going to go take a shower, crawl into bed, watch Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse because it's amazing and finally on Netflix, and forget people exist for the rest of the night.
I hate calling the city of Long Beach's Building and Saftey department. I'm always on hold for at least 20 minutes. Every single time. No, it's okay, I don't have other things to do here, I can just sit on hold all day.
I bought some new shoes from Dolls Kill. Not the ones I really wanted, but I waited too long and they sold out of my size. These are cute though. Little platform ankle boots. I like 'em. My Chucks are nice and easy to wear, but I want some cute boots, dammit! Next time I won't wait so long to get the pair I really like.
I think it's about time to completely overhaul my profile again. Some of what's written there doesn't actually apply to my life at this point and some of it is just old information. I don't know if I want to totally rewrite everything, or just change things in each paragraph, taking out what isn't important or pertinent anymore.
Or maybe I'll just delete everything and keep the most basic of information. No one reads it anyway...
Message for more.
There, wrote it for you!!!!
But but you have one of the most intresting reads in a profile I've ever come across...I loved reading it:) you took such time and care to make it amazing...
But... I don't want people to message me. Haha. That's why I'm as indepth as I am, so people won't message me asking me stupid questions. I don't like talking to people.
I locked the last six months away in a sea of private journal entries. Because that's how I handle things. I stuff it all away, hide it away, so I don't have to see it. Though, I can totally still see every entry... It's a shitty way to cope with things, but it's all I've got right now. Taking a step forward, I won't look back.
I sit here telling myself to stop being such a baby and grow the fuck up... All while playing these three songs on repeat. One day, one day the stupid hopeless romantic inside me will die. At this point, I really hope that day comes soon. I've realized that there's no room in the real world for all that nonsense.
You ever get that feeling that you're going to be fired? I feel like I'm going to be fired tomorrow...
Guess I best dust the old resume off. I got a bunch of texts from Amanda tonight about a job we were supposed to start tomorrow and it just isn't looking good. Not at all.
Because my life doesn't suck enough right now...
When you let The Smiths play on Spotify on the way home and just wind up crying for the entire drive.
I make awesome choices...
When I'm depressed, I buy myself things, because retail therapy or whatever. I got myself a crystal subscription box, and I'm so stoked about it. I've been watching videos on YouTube about this particular box, and it seems like something I would definitely love. And if not, I can give it to my sister-in-law, she likes crystals, too. But, since I want to get back into maybe Paganism, or at least head down that road spiritually, I figured it wouldn't hurt to have some good crystals. I don't know much about rocks and minerals and crystals, but I want to learn. So, we'll see how this goes. It's fairly cheap for what you get, but, I guess it's still $23 for a box of rocks, haha.
I went out and saw Anthony tonight. He has the best timing, I swear. He started talking to me on Sunday, after Franz and I broke up. He's a good guy, and I always enjoy seeing him. He makes me laugh and we talk video games and nerdy shit. We were talking about relationships and stuff, and he went into how he's poly and you know, I never knew that about him. But, now that I do, his previous behavior makes a lot more sense. So we talked a lot about that and stuff. It was a nice couple of hours. Just to be able to get out of my head for a little bit. We might go out again on Wednesday, I told him about how I felt like I couldn't go back to the bar anymore and he was all, "fuck that, I'll go with you." So, we might do that. Or we might just go get some food and hang out. Either option would be nice, if it does happen. I don't hold my breath anymore when it comes to him and making plans, because when I do get my hopes up, shit always seems to fall through. So, we'll see what happens. I just know, I needed tonight. I needed to talk to someone about everything, just get it all out there. I feel better.
So, I got to talk to Amanda, who is technically my supervisor even though she's not officially in the office with me as she lives in Texas. But, yeah, we talked today about me going full time with the company, and if it happens, what my responsibilities would be. I would take over the phones completely, our main office line and the cell phone we use. So, I'd be essentially receptionist, taking phone calls, making appointments, calling cities, stuff I already do. Just all of it from the time we open to the time we close. And, it would be an 8 hour day, go in at 10, leave at 6 with an hour lunch. It works by saying, on paper, that I would be in the office each day until 7, when in reality I will be off at 6, but I'll be "on call" during the weekends. I'll have to take the company cell phone home with me each weekend and answer it if it rings. So, if someone is angry or having an issue, I'll have to handle it on my own. Which isn't really a problem for me. But, the one drawback, is that this probably won't happen until late July. But, I guess that's better than having to find and entirely new job. I love where I work, I love having the office to myself most days, and the responsibilities are easy, plus everyone is just so nice. Dustyn's great, his wife is lovely, their son, when he comes in, is always nice, the sales team is great, the workers are awesome. It's just a great company to work for. So, I suppose living off 20 hours a week for another month or so won't kill me.
Oh my goodness, it feels so good to power through a workout! I did my session tonight with Jorge and for the first time I didn't need to stop in the middle of an excersize to take a break. We powered through the whole session with little more than 30 second breathers between excersizes. And, he has me doing more reps, which makes me feel so damn good to just be able to keep going. We did more arms today, and as sore as my arms already are from Tuesday, I figured might as well keep going. I can't get more sore. And, squats and planks and all the fun stuff. It's not getting all that easier yet, but I can definitely see a change in myself.
Part of my job is calling cities for business licenses, permits, inspections, and the like. All I can say is that cities with automated menu systems can go burn in hell. I had to call Santa Monica, just to confirm that an address fell within their jurisdiction and not just the all encompassing Los Angeles County jurisdiction. A 20 second conversation with an actual person took ten minutes of me navigating through automated menus of different departments. Like, just give me an option to talk to a fucking person right off the bat, and then if they have to, they can transfer me to the proper department. Ugh.
I feel like there's been a huge resurgence in Queen's popularity since Bohemian Rhapsody came out. Like, I was never one to listen to the radio, there was always satalite radio, my phone with Spotify, and CDs. But, the CD player in my car died, the satalite radio subscription ran out and hasn't been renewed, and Spotify drains my battery so bad these days. So, I've been listening to the radio, and the 3 stations I do listen to play a Queen song at least once an hour. And, look, I don't mind Queen, I love some of their songs, but shit man, it's getting to be a little too much, you know? Like, there is only so much Queen a person can listen to. And don't get me started on the amount of Queen songs I have to hear every Wednesday night at the karaoke bar. I'm glad they're getting a lot of play, a lot of love, because Freddy Mercury was such an amazing vocalist, but damn, sometimes it's just too much. Too much Queen.
You know what band I won't mind hearing over and over again? JOY DIVISION. Radio stations need to get on that.
I've been aimless spiritually for a while. I tried falling back into religion, namely Christianity, but it hasn't been easy for me, and while I do believe in God, while I do find I align very much with the teaching and beliefs of Christianity as a whole, I find I do find some issues with some things. And it's been hard finding a church that fully fits to my mindset. I found one I loved going to, but their stance on certain things turned me completely off them.
Anyway, I've been looking at subscription boxes for crystals and rituals and witchy things. I've always had a thing for crystals, but getting good pieces can be pretty expensive. And, I never really used them when I was a practicing Pagan. But lately I've been really into starting up a collection, reading up on them, and the like. Plus, I've also been looking at ritual subscription boxes as well. I don't think I want to fall back into Paganism again, I practiced for about 10 years, but it wasn't really the right fit for me. I don't know, can I be a sort of Christian who does rituals and has an altar and uses crystals and tarot cards and runes? I know spirituality is a personal thing, it's not some cookie cutter mould you just fit into. Belief is so extremely personal. I don't know. I want to be able to read the Bible, while also doing purification rituals, or doing a tarot reading. Bah. I don't know what I want, honestly.
Got back to the gym for my session today. I took all last week off because of my being sick. It hurts. It was arms today, some leg, but mostly arms. Jorge put me on a new machine, for chin ups and dips. I hate that machine. I hate that machine so, so much. But, the burn, the soreness, it's all going to be worth it. I know I say this every time, but honestly, this was the best decision I could have made for myself. Getting back into shape, getting the help and guidance I need so I'm not doing it alone, and having someone hold me accountable when I make horrible choices in regards to my diet, this is want I've always needed. I have the motivation and the drive, but if I don't have someone there to cheer me on, to help me when I am just like, fuck everything about the gym, I lose it. So, while I wish I didn't have to spend as much as I did for sessions with Jorge, I'm glad I did. Because it's exactly what I need.
I've been playing a little Destiny here and there this last week. Just trying to get back into the game. Honestly, I'm so lost when it comes to everything. But, I did join a new clan, and they've invited me to party chat and have been super helpful. So, I don't know, I'm really trying, but since I did take four/five months off from the game, I'm so far behind on everything. I missed an entire season.
I'm also considering buying ESO. I haven't played that one in like, a year, I've missed two expansions. But, with this new expansion, it's supposed to have dragons or something. And, I can get it, the base game, and the two expansions I missed for $60, which isn't a bad deal at all. I just don't know if it'll be worth it. I haven't played in so long, none of my guild plays anymore. I used to do everything with Chris, but I haven't spoken to him in months, so I don't know. It would be hard to get back into it all on my own.
I'm trying to pick up gaming again. All I use my Xbox for right now is HBO, Netflix, Crunchyroll, and VRV. Just streaming anime and movies. There hasn't been a game I've been excited to play since Anthem, and Anthem was a disappointment. Though, and I hate to say this, the new Star Wars game EA is putting out looks pretty awesome. But, EA is like the devil and I don't trust what they do. I don't know. I'm just not hyped about anything that's been coming out lately. I was hoping to find something cool and appealing popping out of E3, but that doesn't look like it's happening.
Happy birthday, Nana.
I miss you and I love you. I wish you were still here...
You know what I hate the most about sales? Is getting hung up on midsentence. Part of my job is calling the leads that come in through various websites and such to get appointments for estimates and what have you, and most people tend to be nice and let me know that they aren't interested. But today, man, I must have been hung up on at least ten times. I know getting a call from a sales person sucks, but, dude, you're the one who requested us to contact you. So, you'd think they would be less likely to just hang up on me. But, nope. It's aggrivating.
I might not have to go searching for a new job at all. Where I work right now might just consider giving me a full time position. I'm unsure how it would work, considering we only have one computer and one desk that Liz and I share. Maybe it would be a work at home kind of deal, like Amanda does. And if so, I'm totally for that. Driving out to Corona sucks anyway, and if I could save on gas every week, well, that would be perfect. I could put more towards helping my mother. Though, if it does mean working from home, I need to get myself a computer.
Well tomorrow, should I actually be feeling well enough, I'm going to start my new meal plan. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and two snacks in between. Greek yougert, lots of veggies, some fruits, nuts, and protines. No soda or sugary drinks, no alcohol. Workout sessions Tuesday and Thursday, and solo sessions Saturday and Sunday. That way, for a few weeks, I have three days off with working out. I am going to get back to the point where I'm in the gym doing something every day, but I'm going to go slow and not try to rush this. I need to do it all the right way. New month, new start.
I think I'm going to start saving money every paycheck for my next tattoo. I want to get the solar system down the center of my back, and to cover up my other tattoo of my Zodiac sign. It's something I've been wanting to do for about a decade now. I regret my Leo tattoo, mostly because it was done in someone's garage on a spur of the moment kind of deal, and it just never really looked good. So, covering it up would be ideal, since it's at the base of my neck and since I wear the off the shoulder tops I wear, it's usually always showing. I don't want to do it in color, I think black ink on my pale skin looks best, it looks classier. Not that color tattoos don't. It's just not really suited for what I have in mind. I want to see if I can sketch something out, or if I should just go tall to a tattoo artist, get a price range and see what they could come up with.
I got my spine done from the top to the very bottom. then i got wings going the full width of my back and half way down. the spine dont feel too good, but not as bad as ribs. it's about the same as your wrist. annoying, but nothing too bad.
That sounds aMaZinG!
I wanted to get wings when I was in high school, I had it sketched out and everything. But in the 2000's wings became so popular that I threw the idea out. I don't mind popular fads in tattoos, but when everyone has wings, it loses its special factor. Also, I have no issues with pain. My pain tolerance is rather high.
I have custom bat wings. I didn't know it was a popular thing. i've only ever met one person with a back tattoo and she had tribal wings, nothing like mine.
Finishing off the last two episodes of Good Omens, and I just noticed Crowley listens to a hell of a lot of Queen. So much Queen.