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6 entries this month
00:32 Dec 29 2024
Times Read: 49
I'm missing a day. I swear today was Friday. I've been in a fog all damn day.
02:50 Dec 23 2024
Times Read: 146
With the end of the year coming closer, I've been introspective. Change is inevitable. Well, for some of us. The ones who don't want to live in stagnation. I know this next year is going to bring change for me. I know my body will change even more so due to the medication. I know that I will learn and grow with knowledge as I continue with school and also start my other schooling next year. The core of who I am will be rooted in depth, but I will evolve and flourish into something more.
Change is a hard thing for me to handle at times. After having dealt with some pretty hard-hitting life changes, it becomes scary at times. I know I needed these changes that I've made within the past months. I needed not only to change to better myself, but I needed to change to thrive. I was...tired. Tired of being stuck.
Now, I don't feel stuck. I feel as though I'm progressing in a way I haven't in so many years. I have thoughts, plans, and wants. I want to help people when I get my LC certification. Maybe I will into an LLC for that. I want to do graphic design; perhaps I will do something with that, too. I've decided I am going to continue for my degree in that and not just stop at the certification. Those things seem, feel, right to me. They will give me something I didn't think I would ever have- a chance to be more than what I am.
Thinking about more than what I am has also led me to look at things I've held onto from the past- people mostly. Well, just a few that I have known before the "Moonie" era. There is a part of me that wants to hold tight to those people because they are from a time when I was different. Granted, a different me that I didn't like nearly as much as I pretended I did, but still a version of me. Two conversations made me take the proverbial step back and really take a look at why I was holding on. One has a victim mentality. She will always be in a cycle of poor me. I cannot save her. I told her to get help. I was met with scorn and belittlement. The other is full of judgment. Over the years, I've very rarely had things that excited me in a way where I wanted to gush about them. There are two things at the moment that I am just beyond excited about. One of those things is wonderful and amazing. And I am just so fucking excited. I didn't get much of a response.
That's when I decided I was tired of it. I'm tired of my friendship being taken for granted or just being treated as so little. To be so dismissive is just such a slap in the face. And to be dismissive of something that has not only excited me but impacted my life in a way that has lifted me from a gray place I never thought I'd leave is just not something I can ignore. Not when I have two friends that can look
I am in college, soon to be in college for another certification course. I've gained a confidence I haven't had in so many years. I've gained laughter, smiles, joy, and a desire to better myself. I've gained a part of myself back that I had lost so long ago. How can anyone ignore those moments in a friend's life? Especially when those moments are so vital to them.
It's time to let my hands loosen on the hold and see them slip. I deserve better.
00:36 Dec 20 2024
Times Read: 192
I didn't think I was going to get a winter break for school, but it turns out we do!
They are giving us from the 23 to the 29 off. This last project has really got me blocked. I'll be glad for a reset.
I'm so damn distracted lately. lol I need to stop that. My friends Bonnie and Kelsey were here for a bit today. She said something to me and I blushed. *I* blushed. I don't know who was more surrpised them or me. hah.
Satan Claus will be here soon! Bringing a White Christmas and shenannigans galore!
17:29 Dec 14 2024
Times Read: 242
I am your moon and your moonlight too
I am your flower garden and your water too
I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl
I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To love you
To nourish you.
-Rumi
06:43 Dec 10 2024
Times Read: 305
One of the things I am beginning to learn, a lesson that stems from past trauma, is not everyone who you choose to share your insecurities with will use them against you.
Sharing any form of insecurities or something you are self-conscious about is terrifying. Even more so for me after my surgery. I am public with some of the things I've gone through or that I continue to go through, but I will not share everything because, frankly, I don't want to. After having a 'friend' mock me in public, she did it with a 'nickname' for one of the complications I've faced; it really did a number on my ability to let people in fully. Even here, after thinking I could begin to let someone(s) into that side of my life, they used it to belittle me, make me feel less than others, and tossed it out as troll fodder. This situation not only caused me to shut myself down, but also I began to question myself. Leading me to second-guess letting new people into my life.
Both of these things damaged me in ways but also taught me some valuable lessons.
Some people don't have your best interest at heart.
Be very selective about who you let into that inner part of your world.
Because of these two lessons it has caused me to let people in only to a certain level. Even with those I care about. Partly I do this out of the fear of being judged and also out of a protective measure.
I faced the fear of baring those parts of me. I exposed those hidden insecurities I have. It was a challenging thing to do, and I am delighted I did so. It made me realize that there are relationships, either friendship or romantic, that will love and care for you. They will look beyond those insecurities and see who you are. They will not let those things define you.
For them, I am incredibly grateful. Words can never express how this gift has made me feel. You enrich my life, and you enrich me.
While this is such a simple thing to say, please know that it holds so much meaning behind it.
Thank you.
05:53 Dec 04 2024
Times Read: 365
Those random moments of insecurities whispering in your ear make things so unpleasant. You try not to listen and try to shut them out. Then get louder and more insistsnt. They start to carry on so much you can't help but wonder if they are right. You know they aren't, but what if?
Just what if?
I don't want to think what if because it accomplishes nothing. But damn those insecurities... they can lure you like a will o' the wisp.
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