The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

SCIENCE QUESTION
21:46 Feb 27 2009
Times Read: 523

A sixth grade science teacher asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one in the class answered until a little girl stood up and said, "You shouldn't be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go tell the principal, who will fire you!" The teacher ignored her and asked the class again, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" This time a boy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." "Very good," the teacher said. Then she turned to the little girl and added,







"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:



One, you have a dirty mind.



Two, you didn't read your homework.



And three, one day you're going to be very, very disappointed."

The Man Rules
16:43 Feb 27 2009
Times Read: 537




At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally , the guys' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear " the Rules"

From the female side.



Now here are the rules from the male side.





These are our rules!

Please note.. These are all numbered "1 "

ON PURPOSE!











1. Men are NOT mind readers.



1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon

Or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.



1. Crying is blackmail.



1. Ask for what you want.





Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!



1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.





1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.



1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one



1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.



1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..



1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.



1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.! ! !



1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.



1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.



1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.



1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .



1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey,Sex

Or golf.



1. You have enough clothes.



1. You have too many shoes.



1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!



1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;





But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

20:07 Feb 20 2009
Times Read: 564

After looking in the database, all the twilight clothing available. Than looking online I finally seen I shirt from this movie I would buy.









Yep thats for me!

17:32 Feb 20 2009
Times Read: 569

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the

employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"



"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work,

he said I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.

If I was on time, I was a compulsive neurotic!"

Apples new Product
16:38 Feb 17 2009
Times Read: 591

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The 'iTit ' will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

19:46 Feb 13 2009
Times Read: 598

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into

his parents room to check it out.



He opened the door to see his mom bent over

the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's

dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny

closed the door.



After business was finished Dad went to check on

little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find

Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny

going at it behind her.



Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'



Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when it’s

your mom is it?'

The Bathtub Test
20:33 Feb 11 2009
Times Read: 612






During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you

determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.



'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to

empty the bathtub.'



'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket

because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'



'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you

want a bed near the window?'

16:38 Feb 11 2009
Times Read: 622












It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come

when they'll know as little as their parents

21:34 Feb 09 2009
Times Read: 629












The difference between the Pope and



Your boss, the Pope only expects you



To kiss his ring.

Quote of the Day
16:59 Feb 06 2009
Times Read: 645








What is an insomniac,agnostic, dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering is there

is a DOG.

23:14 Feb 03 2009
Times Read: 651










I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.



The seat folded up, the drink spilled and



That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

17:26 Feb 02 2009
Times Read: 662










As you slide down the banister of life, may



The splinters never point the wrong way.



~Maxine