"Unfortunately, I suffer from 'CRS', but I'll be damned if I can remember what it means."
I swear, my "family" literally invented this expression. They use it far too much. I used it, for the first time, tonight.
To say the least, I have had a very interesting day, now.
I was walking around at the mall, trying to find a few things, and I kept catching a very familiar scent. (Mind you, I have the sense of smell of a blood hound, if not fourfold stronger. Hence one reason for which I smoke.)
I kept smelling an old 'friend' from high school, and I knew exactly who it was. So naturally, I tried following my nose. Literally. But, I think that it may have been just a residual scent, since I obviously couldn't find the person. Every time I got closer to where the scent seemed to come from, it would vanish, like a light fog. To be honest, I felt like I was going a little nuts. I can almost guarantee that anyone who was watching me must have thought I was a little crazy. And in all honesty, I wouldn't be able to blame them. I did somewhat feel a little crazy. But when I asked someone I know if they could smell it, they said "yes", though it was a very faint smell, to her. Yes, it was a woman I asked, but with due reason. She has a nose like me.
I've since left thw thought more or less behind me, but at the same time, it still lingers in the back of my mind, in a way. And it's a little frustrating, to think about, since I know exactly who I was smelling.
I guess it's time for my computer to have its overhaul. The damn thing won't even recognize the site, now, so I am using my phone.
This just keeps getting better.
This time, I am having the hard drive completely split in two. None of thise bullshit of one-large-one-small partitions.
Charles, old friend, I will most likely be paying you a visit very soon. In fact, I cam guarantee it.
Computers are a pain in the butt when they seriously get older or run down. I don't know what kind you have or how old it is. But I have a emachines 2002 model. *Laughs* and I still am able to keep it working barely at times. I put google Chrome on it recently. That runs surprisingly good on it. Hope you get things worked out for yourself there. :)
Someone asked me, early, earlier in the morn of today:
"How can you have such unfailing faith in something that happened so long ago?"
My answer is simple. Though the individual who asked me is so determined to believe that something cannot last forever, I, on the other hand, am determined to believe that it can.
After all, what is hope? Besides the dictionary definition, as thus is only a simple meaning that describes the cherishing of a desire with anticipation, thus to desire with anticipation.
But the deeper meaning of "hope" is something that can only be understood by someone who has lost hope in the past, and then had that same hope resurrected within them.
It is the bwlief so strong that it therefore is and becomes the knowledge of fact that what the desire may be is not just possible, but is completely within the individual's grasp.
"How can I hold so much faith in something that happened so long ago?"
Simple. Because I held a hope that never faded. I hoped that it would somehow return. And it has done just that.
Alright. Who in the vast flames of Hell invited this character up the hill? Looking in one of the last two photos I uploaded, I can clearly see a man with two faces. He is obviously not Human, let alone a Human Soul. So who the Hell invited him? I know damn well I didn't. But I know him and his "MO" well enough.
He isn't quite detrimental, but annoying as Hell.
Although, I did also see a very beautiful figure on the right-hand side. And I know exactly who it is, because it's someone that I've spoken of quite frequently, over the past few months.
I will nevr be able to understand why being nocturnal in nature seems to be such a damn problem to the idiotic one of my roommates. After all, I Am the one who always has to get him up for work in the morn. That and because of my nocturnal nature, I am the one who guards the place while they sleep.
Yet the dumbass wants me to be like him. He wants this to be so, too damn much, in fact. Thia bullshit is beyond irritating. He wants me to be awake all through the day, despite the fact that I haven't slept yet, and wants me to sleep only at night, when he knows full well thar I can't sleep at night, anyhow.
Is this making sense to anyone? Because it makes NO sense to Me, whatsoever.
Come nightfall, I have too damned much energy, so naturally, he wants Me to wake him up for work. And I can guarantee that he will bitch me 'up one side and down the other', when he comes back to see me Dead Asleep.
Considering that he claims to be the "smart" one, between us, he really does not use his fucking head that much. This is part of ths reason I will be absolutely THRILLED when I go to see my sister.
I swear, there are days that I would likw to literally take a fucking bite out of this idiot's neck. And I wish, like Hell, that I could joke about that.
I can see where this is agitating for you. I never sleep at night either and those who are not like us seem to not understand this about us at all. Most live in the day time hours the best and do not understand that we can not change to be like them.
My latest entry of "Vampyre Insane" is finally up. I could swear, it took what feels like forever to finish it. But then, I never really had time to work on it. I just hope that it's up to par.
Anyone who feel like reading it, please, do leave commentary about it, and let me know what you think of it. You should know the "drill" of it all. I'll post what the whole story is all about, later, when I have time to write it. Until then, I trust any who read it will have a pleasant time doing so, and again, let me know what you think. The first chapter should be obvious enough. This one is a little odd, I might say, but it should make sense as it goes along, unless I have completely lost my mind, which wouldn't surprise me, in the least.
In any case, pleasant reading, everyone.
P.S.~ As for my old hat, I am looking for a new one. Old "Black Beauty" is history, so I am looking for possibly an Army/Forest Rangers hat, to replace it. I'm just hoping that I can find one, because I really hate going out in the daylight. (It hurts like HELL, when my skin hits direct sunlight.) So the old photos of the hat are going to be deleted, if I haven't done so already.
The person to whom this is addressed is not a member of the Rave. But nevertheless, those who read it should understand it well enough. To the person for whom I write this, though you will most likely never see this reach the light of day:
I don't love you, anymore. Not after what you did to me. You claimed that you would love me completely, as a whole, to the day you died. Obviously, that wasn't so. When I needed you to have faith in me, you walked away, because of something that I couldn't even try to 'defend', since I was without a means to do so.
You left me eight months ago, after we had been together for two years. The blink of an eye, for Me. But I know that for you, it was quite some time, since I obviously don't age like you do, nor do I see or feel time as you do.
For Me, a month can feel like a single day, at times. For you, a single day is evidently like the span of a week, if not an eternity.
Especially since you've abandoned who you once were, you've fallen too far for redemption, even deeper than I could ever make the attempt. You've forsaken who you were, because of the lies of others, claiming to you that I lied about whom and what you are, even though I saw it as strong as the daylight clamps down on my flesh like a hydraulic press given enough juice to blow the fuses inside.
You have always known that I can see what others can't. You have known that what I see, I have for longer than you've been alive. I've been able to see things since I was born, regardless of what state my mind or my eyes have ever been in. You have known that I can see the Souls of the Lost and Forgotten, the Passed and everything that lies inside. Such is what I am, and you never once doubted so, because you did, a few times, see things through My eyes. And you knew that I wasn't lying to you, when I showed you that. Unfortunately, that was some time ago, now, for both of us. But you never even doubted what I a,m, because you've watched it happen right in front of you. I had warned you about it, in the past, and you held no doubt in your mind of it, because you knew that something about me was more than just "different". Even back then, you knew that people called me "Monster", and you knew what I was capable of, and still am. Yet, you held no fear of me, and you told me that you would love me to the day you were put in the ground, even if I decided not to give you the youth that I have evidently come to embrace in an eternity of walking on this earth in another form.
Before I knew who you really were, not just in mind, but in Spirit, and in your physical body, you made me promise that I would never leave you, no matter what. I never broke that promise. I stayed by you, through Hell and High Waters. Even after I learned who you were, I kept my promise, despite how much I heard the voice in my head screaming at me, to leave you. I had promised to love you for as long as we were together, and I did just that. I didn't break my promise to you. You broke it, for me. So, in that regard, I should thank you. Though it was against my will, you freed me from a pain, the likes of which I haven't known in ages... the curse of being trapped in a relationship of love, based upon a promise from the mouth of a man who hates liars, hates to lie, and therefor refuses to do so... in that way, unfortunately, I am still a man of my word. But on the fortunate side of it all, I never had to break my promise. You decided to break it for me, though on the grounds of words from those that we both once trusted - people I no longer do nor can trust, due to their evident serpentine ways.
You seem to believe that I "can't live without you". Hell, you made the statement, yourself. I heard it as loud and as clearly as the ringing of the bells of a cathedral, in the midst of the so-called "Christmas Holiday".
It's funny, really. I don't remember the last time I was this 'happy', though, for Me, "happiness' is just a word create to describe a feeling of evident and supposed "joy" that is brought along by a said circumstance, creating a reaction in chemicals in the brain. (Strange. I sound like Nikola Tesla.)
As it is, I am making plans to go see the sister that I never knew I had, until I came across the Rave. People began telling me about how much she and I look alike, and the next thing I knew, I met her on video. Lo and behold, what people were telling me was entirely true. I even went so far as to do my own research into it all, and as it seems, I really am her brother. Funny, considering the fact that I grew up again, believing I was either an "only child" or simply that my true family had abandoned me. In that, I was wrong on both counts. But now, I've come to find myself making plans to go see her, to get to know my evidently 'older' sister, by whom I am seen not as "little" brother or "big" brother, but simply as the equal in more than one way.
Along with my plans to see my sister, I have come to strangely enough love another. A beautiful woman from the one piece of my past that had been shrouded in my memory, like placing a thick black veil so heavy that the mere thought of it almost seemed an illusion to my eyes and my mind, until I was driven to delve deeper into my own memories than I had ever gone, before; bringing myself back to the day/night I "came into the world" as what I am. And even further. So much so, that the very thought of the memory caused me pain that I couldn't describe. It brought me, completely to tears of both pain and joy, after I was left to my own thoughts.
In love with another, from my past, whom though I may or may not ever see that love returned in the same way, I love her nonetheless. Physicalities and lust set aside, as I feel they should be, I love her more than words can possibly accurately describe. And I am willing to 'live' and perish for that love. Why do I love her? Simple. Because though my love for her brings me suffering unlike any other, I have come to realize that I love that suffering almost as much as I love her... I know that regardless of whether or not I become what I once wanted, yet failed to realize my obviously already-fleeted capability of being so, I will still always be there for her, and I know that she remains loyal, even if only as a friend. That pain I am willing to suffer for eternity, if I must.
I've come to know that I've had a sister that I never knew, and I know that there is something linking us that can't be explained in mere words, either. And that is part of what brought me and my sister together. I can feel it in my bones alone. The other part is not one but Two-- our bloodlines, and our Kindred Souls. Confused? Maybe you should be. There are some things of which you are not meant to understand.
In short, what I am saying here, can all be summed up with this--
Consider This my parting words to you, 'young fallen child'... I have moved on, just as you said you have. But evidently, thus is only true for one of us. You seem to think that I can't live without you. But in all reality, it's the other way around. What makes it pathetic is the fact that you aren't willing to admit it, simply because you have been around the one person who teaches you to be lackadaisical and sedentary in your personality and more willingly deaf and blind than the man with whom I reside with his soon-to-be wife.
I've moved on, from you. I no longer love you, and that is that. Unlike you, I don't hide behind the silver-tongued lies and shells of others, to keep myself safe. I'm a soldier, at the core. I face my problems, head-on, and I don't give a damn if I have to tear down the walls of reality and life, itself, to accomplish my 'mission', whatever it may be. I refuse to hide behind words based upon social and personal malformation, spoken from the lips of those who can't even speak a word of truth to save their own lives.
A Demon from the deepest depths of Hell, though I am... I don't back down, and when I make a promise, I keep it. Luckily, you broke my promise for me. Having you leave me based on the lies of others only gave me the freedom I now know I truly desired.
Whether you want me back or not is immaterial, as is whether or not you want something from me, or what it may be. My standing statement remains -- It Will Not Be Happening. Period. I don't care if you want me back. Even if you come crawling back to me, on your hands and knees, begging me to take you back... it won't happen. I would choose to be in asylum for eternity, and deal with the love I have for another tearing me apart inside, before I ever take you back. You've fallen. Get accustomed to My rejection, now. Because it is all you will ever get. You are no longer what nor whom you once were. I won't live with someone who denies what they are, simply because they are told it is bullshit. You know where my knowledge and my understanding come from, and you know how far it goes. I may not understand this world, worth shit, but I can easily and very quickly put you down, in shame long before you ever even realize what happened. You walked away from Me. That only helped me to walk away from You, as I should have done in the beginning.
Hereto, and therefrom, I bid you a permanent, bittersweet and paradoxical farewell. Don't let the bitterness you've brought upon yourself be your impending doom, "daughter of Ra". I've buried you beneath the stones of memory. Now, Stay there, where you belong.
ppl should hire you to write breakup letters for them i would feel like a peice of shit if i got this letter and it would make me highly jealous lol hahahaha
you should write a book love your writing style !!!
If you look in my "stories" journal, then you will see I am already working on something, sister.
This was to read, as everything that you write is...
Well, I just had to run myself out of the last of the damned steak livers I had in the house. Someone decided to get on my nerves, and one of my roommates watched my fuckibg fangs 'grow' in their prominence. If you really believe that being Vampyr is "oh, so great and grand", then you would be wise to think twice.
I'm not saying that I'm not proud of being so, but I can tell you now--
When your hunger and thirst are 'activated', (lacking a better term at this moment) and you can't feed as you require, it becomes a real nasty pain.
Oddly enough, I ended up with someone taking a photo of me, the last time this happened, before I left this state, the first time, and the person was shocked as Hell to see it happen... considering that I had told the person, some time before, that it would happen, I really have no idea why she was so shocked. Frankly, though I find it funny, I find it more irritating than anything else. When I warn someone about what I am, and explain what usually happens when it arises, though I don't expect them to believe it, I at least expect them to understand the cause for concern in the matter.
If I wanted to kill someone, and take their blood, then by the Demons of Hell and the Angels of the Heavens, I would do just that. The problem is that since I was stupid enough to grind my teeth down, the issue of having my fangs grow more prominent whenever I become thirsty, angry or Both... my teeth will burn like fire, because the nerves are actually exposed, which causes them to be very... susceptible to that burning sensation, each time it happens.
I think that as soon as I possibly can, I need to have some dental work done, so I can get my teeth back to normal. I haven't been right since those many years ago, to be honest. At least I can admit it, though.
Honestly, this shit gets a little annoying. I need to learn not to let the Soul of Humans get to me so much. The one roommate who was awake told me to eat the last of the liver, when she saw it. I guess my traits become more noticeable than they once did, since I was last here. (Why am I not surprised?...)
And upon the lackadaisical epitome, whereby life holds no more meaning does the child lost and confused reach out to all of those around, whom so pass him by, ignoring his plea for understanding, by which is created an apostle of the voice of exacerbation in the life of they who reach out but are ignored for their evident care amd respect of naught...
Sound familiar to anyone?
I post this only because someone brought to me the concept of being an "asshole" versus being lackadaisical in nature.
When the person asked me what I consider myself, I could only respond with one thing: "I'm not merely one or the other. There are days whereupon I can be both an asshole and lackadaisical. But which one relies in the person who tries to understand it but eminently fails to do so. Case in point? Try azking when I am actually in a decent mood."
Frankly, though I find most people as pathetic in the first place, I still can't help but pity the fools of the world. So many so utterly lacking in understanding that they feel the need to judge others based solely upon either their own so-called "psychology" or a constant whim and urge to make the attempt to feel better about their own pathetic lives, by trying to make themselves appear as either "assholes" or merely showing their own freak lack of understanding of all things beyond their thumbnails and the "here and now".
I know I sound to be "ranting", now. But believe you me, thia is far from a "rant". I simply find it irritating yet comical to see the stupidity of others shining through in their actions alone.
All I can really say, to end this topic is--
"Oh, how I do enjoy the glories of irony and personal dissensions."
some ppl would have to buy a dictionary to get though your writings nice vocabulary use !!!
It isn't really my intention to just use "ten, or one hundred dollar" words, sis. I just allow my mind to wander, most of the time, when I think aome things over.
The first 'installment' of "Vampyre Insane" is now in my "Stories" journal, for any who would like to read it, though I'll be a little surprised if that happens. Commentary is welcomed on it, should anyone actually enjoy reading it. It might even give me what I need to write a second part to it. But who knows?
I just know that with the mood I've had to be in, to write it, had been tolling as Hell. I don't even think that most people I know would survive putting themselves into those shoes, once again, without ending up where I've been and come back from.
Am I a Satanist? No. Of course not. But do I respect "God", in any way? Hell, no. Not after where I have been, or what I've seen and been through. I did not choose to be what I am. And I damn well did not want to be this. But as I was not given the choice in being, it only stands to reason that not all is as it seems.
I bring this up primarily because I recently had someone ask me how I "handle" being what I am. My answer is simple; I "live" on only because I will my own existence, at this point. Though I have lost my will to live, I remain by a will to constantly fight. I fight for my 'last' day, and more important, I fight for what I love. This will never change, as thus has become my primary purpose. My will to be stronger than those who oppose me is half of what keeps me going, still, as it always will be. I 'live' for the few I love and I am willing to perish for them, as well. I have let go of most of my past, for there is no reason for me to hold to it, other than how I came to what I am now. Therefore, no other will can end my existence. This may make no sense to most, but I really do not expect it to. This is another piece of My logic and understanding, twisted and "insane" though it may be. But of course, by the very nature of insanity, he who is 'insane' denies his own insanity.
I suppose this is one reason for which people hate speaking to me, for the most part. My thinking is enough to give any "psychologist" or scientist a headache all the way from the deepest depths of Hell.
As over the years I have had to learn that there is no 'salvation' for me, I have also therefore learned that I not only have no purpose, beyond what I make for myself, "God", himself has less than no use for me. And to be blunt about it, though any religion will claim that "God" loves all, I have come to see a completely different side to it all. "No rest for the wicked, and no salvation for the truly Damned" is more true than people give any credit for.
Call me "insane", or whatever have you, should you wish, but keeping in mind that I have also watched this world decline beyond any reasonable measure, I've also "committed the ultimate sin", and viewed into the eyes of the so-called 'beholder', and told the bastard to end my existence, If he could. Evidently, I have thus been denied any nonexistence, for what I am and what I have done.
Do I have remorse for my past? No. Because aside from the very few things in my "life", now, I just don't give a damn, anymore. Does that make me "insane"? Maybe. But again, I really don't have the interest in finding out. And of that, alone, "Enough Said".
Yes; My latest photo is Me, standing atop a large, stone cross, in the midst of a cemetery. Do I care? No. Not really. I do believe in "God". But at the same time, over the ages, especially after what I have been through, my Faith in "God" has been shaken tremendously, if not utterly demolished.
God has already forsaken Me; He did so, long ago, and I have never once been allowed a chance to 'redeem' myself, thus my faith in 'Him' has been singed to little more than ashes. And there is no phoenix that rises from these ashes. My faith has been shaken and burnt to the point where there is no return for it. And frankly, that is the way it is going to stay, for a long time.
Over the years, I have come to realize the one fact about myself which evidently makes it absolutely impossible to 'kill' me--
Evidently, I WILL My own existence on this earth, at this point. Though my will to live has been demolished, due to the many things I've been through, my will to exist, merely to keep fighting, and my wish for an 'appropriate opponent' are nearly all that keep me going as I do.
Evidently, someone saw me atop the cross, and became impossibly 'freaked' about it. It almost makes me wonder what else people become scared to death of me for, that I don't pay attention to.
"Why do I stand atop a cross, amidst the Dead?" Because though I respect the Dead, I hold no more respect for "God", after all that I have seen and been through. It is as simple as that.
No; I don't think I'm Alister Crowley. And I am no Satanist or Luciferian, either. I simply walk My own path. Plain and simple.
Frankly, I welcome the day that "God" decides he wants to make an attempt to end my existence, because the asshole will find just what a mistake he made in allowing me to exist after I was seventeen, in the first place - speaking from My past, of course.
it would be cool if you tied yourself to it jk great pic
That is a nice pic.
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