Honor: 30 [ Give / Take ]
3 entries this month
''One of Those TIMES''...
10:35 Mar 25 2014
Times Read: 465
I know we've all heard the expression "ever have one of those days"... but lately, things don't seem to be quite that way, at all. Though, yes, I must admit, I feel better being far away from the "Northland", I must say that I would feel better in a damn CHURCH than I feel in the place I am currently at.
To be perfectly frank... the energy here is just Too Damn Constricting... and it's genuine Insanity, to boot. Now, I know I speak of 'energies' allot, and some people may think that I need to "cut it" with the talk about it. But to be honest, that's a little easier said than done, in my case, being considered what some people I know call a "sensitive"... though the REAL term to use for it is something that goes a few steps "beyond the pale", as it were.
But being as in-tune with energies as I am, it's a little difficult for me to NOT talk about them, when energy, in a general sense, is Everywhere. All things are comprised of energy of some kind. And when a person as 'sharp' in their senses as I am can't feel or sense energy in a given place... well, coming from a personal perspective, that's not a good sign. Ordinarily, it doesn't matter where I am or what the surroundings are like. I can usually sense energy of virtually any kind, with tremendous ease. But for some reason, I can't sense ANYTHING in the place where I am, at this moment, in time. And to be honest, I have to admit, it somewhat bothers me. I don't like it when it feels like my senses are blocked off, in any way.
Sure, my Physical senses are still essentially razor sharp... but that's part of the problem, it seems. As with any other person, when one sense 'dies', the others "pick up the slack" and become sharper, to compensate. It's the body's natural 'defense mechanism', as it were. And I don't want to sound like I'm complaining in any way... but believe you me, when I say that My senses are all a little TOO sharp.
Reminiscing, for a moment; though I do loathe Minnesota, at least, whilst I was there, I could feel the energies Everywhere. It didn't matter where I went. But then, that's because more people have died in various places, up there, within the past twenty years, than most people I know can keep track of. And they aren't exactly "slackers" in that sense of the meaning. When I am in a place of intense energy, I feel... well, I feel almost Completely Alive. I feel like myself again. After all, I was reborn in a particular place where PLENTY of people have died - and some of them were a great many, in a short span of time. And along side of that, I was reborn under a very... strong "eclipse", so to speak. A lifetime of being practically engulfed in something that most people are genuinely afraid to see, admit to or believe exists has a tendency to open one's eyes to it, regardless of whether or not they know it's happening. And in the "Northland" of Minnesota, there are quite a few places where the said energy is so potent that even for a person I would call "Mundane", it would be almost overpowering. Even my half brother, who was, at one point, just about the most 'Mundane' person I had ever known, has come to see what I mean, when it comes to these energies. Needless to say, he isn't so 'Mundane', anymore. A 'Mundane' doesn't hold the capacity to even try to understand things as one like myself does. And he has actually grown to see them, at times. In a way, that makes me extremely proud of him. But in another way, it makes me envy him like no other.
Believe me. I wish for the life of me, that I could be at least somewhat "normal", like most people. But alas, in a way, though "blessed" I may be, in having my ability or abilities that I have with 'the world beyond this one'... there are allot of times when it feels more akin to a Curse than any sort of a "blessing".
"Why do I say this?"
Well, the answer lies right above my statement of reminiscence... when I am in a place where I feel said energies, I feel a little more 'natural'. But when I can feel either No Energy At All, or next to it... there is something wrong; and frankly, I don't like it.
What so many other people call "bullshit", I usually have a knack for showing is Very Real, and I almost always end up bending it to my own will. After all, again, All Things Are Comprised of Energy. It doesn't matter what kind of energy it is. Everything is energy. But unfortunately, that also includes something called 'PSYCHIC' and/or 'PSIONIC' energy... and for some reason, when I am in this place, I can't feel even any of THOSE energies. And frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
In all honesty, it makes me want to just up and vanish, all over again, and go somewhere, where I can feel something again. But then, I know what a big part of the lacking energy is caused by... and I don't even really want to mention it Here. It is just that 'off'. I know that some will read this and at least one person will think I'm "full of shit" - after all, "if I'm so sensitive to energy, then how can I not sense anything here?"
Well, have you ever seen a little show (or read about it) called "The Twilight Zone"? I really hate to say it, but that isn't too far off from what I sense, HERE, in this place. In many ways, around here, I'm the Wolf lost in the Lion's den... but in others, I'm that one 'character' who starts off in a place where I know my surroundings well, and then... '*poof*'... I've wound up, finding myself in 'The Twilight Zone'.
Well... this place Is MY "Twilight Zone". Does anyone ever notice how that one character who ends up 'lost' always ends up being the "fish-out-of-water", so to speak? That's Me, here. I can sense the energies of a church filled with hypocrites better than I can sense anything in this place. And oddly enough, I sense more of the energies of certain places in Nashville than I sense in this given area. I'm not too terribly far away from Nashville, either, and I feel like I'm in "The Twilight Zone". To be honest, that's a slightly spooky notion, I would think.
For those who don't know what I mean by all this... Just try putting yourself in My shoes, for a moment. Imagine yourself 'growing up' with something, so you've known That One Thing, all your life. You know it Anywhere you go. you know it so well, that you can feel/'tune to it' in your sleep. And as in an instant... you suddenly feel like you've had it taken away, while you weren't looking. You're looking for it, intently, to give yourself a little peace of mind. But you can't see it. You LISTEN for it, with your ears tuned to any note you might hear of it. But you can't hear for it, either. You try to FEEL for it... but no matter where you feel for it... you can't even touch it, because your sense of feeling seems to be removed from your body. You focus on it, as hard as you can, to see if you can even get a decent 'picture' of it. But all your senses seem 'shut off' to it, because you've been (point-blank) REMOVED of your senses... you know it has to be there, but you can't get a decent grasp of it, because you're essentially being held as a prisoner, away from your senses...
well, again... That's Me, in this case. I cannot feel enough of Any energies in this place. And it does bother me, greatly. "Why"? Simple... because my sense of energies is part of what keeps me going. I 'feed' from these energies, just as I 'feed' on actual PHYSICAL energy (i.e., my consumption of blood), to sustain my physical strength and health. As far as the Physical energy goes, I've been lucky as Hell, for awhile, now. And that's putting it lightly. If I don't have blood to consume, then I need to be around those energies, to fuel my own 'pool' that never keeps 'full', so to speak. So, to be honest, the fact that I sense practically no energy, here, whatsoever... that fucking bothers me. Allot. It's actually been making me lose allot of sleep, even though the people around me think that I've been sleeping soundly (try sleeping soundly when even the slightest whisper will wake you from sleep, when not only have you not slept in weeks, but you have only JUST gotten to sleep, barely a few moments ago... can't imagine it, can you? It is a bitch, isn't it?). But alas, no one here has my senses. And frankly, the fact that they don't take the time to actually LEARN about something like this... it's a little insulting to anyone's intelligence, if you ask me. I don't care who you are... if you are around people who refuse to learn about something, just because they believe it's either "stupid" or "not worth their time"... well, in some cases, that may be understandable. The second note, anyhow. But when people have only a one-track mind, and that being the primary thing that 'holds them back'... that should be the biggest insult of all.
To HTF's House And Community Sister~~
10:58 Mar 19 2014
Times Read: 485
I've said it to many people, now, and I will say it again (as for those who read this, remember, it is directed to a member of Our 'House' of "HTF": IF any comment is felt needed to be made, then let it be made only by the person to whom this pertains. Otherwise, keep the proverbial "Pinocchio-nose" out of it. Otherwise, it will only be "cut off". The only way it won't be is if you partake in our 'House' (those of you know who you are.))--
"Never rule out the likelihood that it might be 'different'".
For you, to whom this pertains, I will say this much: You Are Not Alone. Trust to Believe, there are always times when those like yourself (Myself included, as many others also are) feel alone. I should know. I've felt alone for longer than almost anyone can possibly imagine. And believe me, when I say that it obviously does take its toll.
Yes; Life is hard. But as one of my other latest entries says, in quoting from Robert W. Service;
"In hunger and woe, oh, it's easy to blow...
it's the Hell-served-for-breakfast that's hard.
~ ~ ~
And though you come out of each gruelling bout,
All broken and battered and scarred,
Just have one more try — it’s dead easy to die,
It’s the keeping-on-living that’s hard."
In short, what this says is that to give up and die is easy... (at least for most (no mention need be made as to what I mean by that)) but to keep on moving, to keep fighting 'until your last breath'? That shows REAL strength.
I've been seen as many things, in my time - some of which I will admit, I have had coming; others, however... not by a long shot - whether I am called "Monster", "freak", "evil", "Demonic", Angelic" (which personally, I don't see how or why, but still so), an "asshole", or what have you, I still remain true to whom, what, and how I am.
Personally, I never have been, nor will I ever be the one to willingly walk away. The only time(s) in which I ever have were when I was literally Forced to do so, even by those whom I had guided from day one. I try to be there for everyone around me, even at my own damned expense (and believe me, it does come at its own price).
However, as for emotional health, I will say that sometimes, we Do Need to be the "Monster" in the situation, to an extent. However, there is always the limit to which things must turn in their tides. Take it from an 'old master of the matter'-- that kind of thing can only come to us all by instinct. we need to know when "enough is enough", and when we need to push will every ounce of our strength.
Now, as far as your Physical Health is concerned... keep in mind that I have told you at least a few times before, that (like myself and a few others, as they have also found out and still are finding out (the hard way, I might add)) You Are Not "normal", per say, by any means.
I used to take part in a "community", albeit from the shadows, as always, wherein people like us are neither uncommon, nor are we seen as such. Sometimes, things go above and beyond any scientific explanation, and take my word for it; I Am certainly No Stranger To This, Myself. Where science, for all its foundations, solutions, dilemmas and explanations fails, it is then time to look "beyond the fringe", "beyond the pale"... or, as my 'grandfather' used to say it... "It is time to look beyond the norm of the realm of possibility".
For example; as quite a few on here now know, my own "issues", per say, began when I was only six years old. A forced 'Reawakening', as it were-- From that point on, my body's chemistry and physical makeup changed dramatically, as did the way I began to see things. Up until it all began, for me, I was little more than a shell, for three years, having seen something that no one should have to see - let alone should it have even happened.
Amongst the things that changed for me, my metabolism was one of them... certain foods would agree with me, while others I became heavily allergic to (thankfully, for the sake of lore's contradictions and blatant "loop holes", garlic was not one of them, nor is it, to-day). However, the foods that I COULD manage to keep down, my metabolism has long since gotten so high and strong enough, that those said foods will 'go right through me', almost akin to water passing through a screen filter.
When I had reached seventeen, my 'Reawakening' had essentially finished off, completely, leaving me with only fragments of memory missing from a time when I really (by any and all logical means) "should not have had". But I had those memories, anyway... very much alike to your dreams.
However, along with these things, my body had gotten to the point here if I didn't consume some VERY select foods almost regularly, then my health would deplete, almost without warning. Long since has it been, now, that I Do so need those said 'foods' (i.e., things with a VERY high fresh Blood content), or else I need to actually (if even possible at those moments) drink the blood from another person's veins. However, due to obvious drawbacks, there is still the need to ensure (if it's the blood of another person) that the other person's blood is clean.
At the point where I have been, now, for quite some years, if I don't consume blood regularly, then my physical health practically takes a plummet, and I can wind up in the hospital (and yes; it has nearly gotten to that point a few times), wherein my 'condition' is neither taken seriously, nor is anything actually done about it, as it would be seen as Renfeild's Syndrome, which obviously is far different from the physical need for blood. Mind you, I don't need to say or be told whether or not I need blood to survive, because obviously Everyone needs to have "normal" food. But in the case of those like myself (and you most likely included), the metabolism has a way of playing an interesting role in our health, being that we (no 'titles' need be mentioned, for the sake of political acceptability) tend to digest, absorb and metabolize things differently from the way that most people do. For example, in most people, the use of tobacco temporarily accelerates the metabolism... in MY case, for some reason, it temporarily slows my body's metabolism, to allow me to not have any "normal" food become so rapidly digested. Thus, it prevents me from (and please, do forgive my crudity, here) 'getting the shits' from what I eat. It also helps me to temporarily control my need and craving for blood (and again, yes; I do literally crave blood, yet I have no iron deficiency, as I have found out from several doctors' visits). However, this is only one of the reasons for which I smoke - of which the others needn't be mentioned, for now.
To shorten the "story" and depiction, as we are, being about as far from "normal" as is by any logical means possible... I have a strange feeling that you still haven't fully tested your body (maybe or maybe not including blood work, as I had done) as you may need to. And frankly, if were you, I would also have the 'small one' tested for the same thing, just to be on the safe side.
In your own case, though I don't want to sound like a complete "know-it-all", I will say that I did tell you about the likelihood of this possibility, some time ago, just as I told my sister, and several others (as I've also told people, I have a 'knack' for "calling it", so to speak), and though again, as I hate to boast or brag, if it so sounds as I am... I am rarely wrong (and that being said, I often "thank my stars", when I am).
As I have had to do, myself, I would suggest that you do a little test on yourself, to be absolutely sure, since I have a strong feeling about it. Though the idea does sound disgusting to the tongue (and believe me... it does taste awful), I have found that it works remarkably well, for those like us, when we find it to be correct.~~
A simple rare steak?... I hate to say it, but in My case, especially, that is nowhere near enough. However, a rare Liver (yes, liver) or two... this has a much more concentrated and adequate amount of what is needed for those of us who find ourselves to be in need of the Sanguine sustenance. I've already had to use this method, not once, but TWICE, since I've moved away from what I consider to be MY "personal Hell", and thus far... it has done me fairly well, since I can't get any PERSON with clean blood to be a respective 'donor' for me. Not many people around here actually believe in those like us. Though animal blood is nowhere near as 'satisfying' as Human blood (quite literally like a Human living off of tofu), it does keep our health from declining.
All of this being said, and I know it is more than "One Hell of a Mouthful", I suggest that you try it, and see where it leads you. I have a strong feeling that it's exactly what you need, and being that it seems to have a tendency to be a hereditary gene, you may want to have the 'small one' tested (via blood work) as well, and pay close attention to both that and your own body's needs, because -take it from me- a lack of OUR 'proper sustenance' tends to be more detrimental than a "normal" person going without sleep for a month. It takes a toll, not only physically... but psychologically, as well.
''Knowing Everything''? Hardly... No One Does...
08:55 Mar 19 2014
Times Read: 496
It's been awhile since I've actually posted anything in the journals, on here. But obviously with due reason. I haven't really had the time, for awhile, being to busy with other things...
I seem to either piss allot of people off, or just drive them crazy with some of the things I know - some speak/talk to me as if I really am "all-knowing", while others seem to think that I belong in the "psyche-ward", for permanent residency... "why", however, I still haven't a clue.
I don't claim to be "all-knowing", and I never will. Frankly, anyone who does think or claim to know everything is (in my eyes) a fool and a Goddamn liar to boot.
Frankly, I know more than most, that I've been around more than once. And for any who really know me, that's not only been awhile, but a Long Time of living in the shadows - and more time than any can count, have I been "there and back". So it really is an understatement, to make mention that I may or may not know something.
The way I see it, I simply "Know Enough". And I don't care what others say about "past lives", 'reincarnation', or being reborn with or without knowledge or the like - when your mind is linked with and as "synced" with a form of 'library' of sorts as my own is, you begin to understand things in a completely different light, if not delving even deeper into it all.
I don't care what others say about it; My mind is and has been 'linked' to what is known as the "Akashic Record" for years and years on end, now. Whatever I don't know, already, I simply delve into that 'little pool' that I keep my mind open to, and thus I learn what I need to know, and it has yet to fail me. Obviously, there are things that I either know little about or don't know at all, but that is just one of those things that I take as it is.
The 'Akashic Record' isn't exactly a PHYSICAL library or book that you can just enter and/or read , just like that. If you know anything about it, then you know that there is only one complete way to gain the knowledge that it contains, and that way is through meditation (and in my case, going quite a ways beyond what anyone, today, considers "insanity") and extremely deep focus. Otherwise, you won't likely be able to access it, at all. Me? I've been "into it" so many times and for so long, that my mind has developed the permanent 'link' to it that very few people can actually manage to accomplish. And believe you me... it has driven me to Quite the degree of mentality that I am not sure whether or not I would wish it upon my best friend or worst enemy... it is just that strange a venture. The one thing that I've learned about it is that if you are not ready to fully access it, then you either won't be able to, or you will just drive yourself to complete insanity just 'entering' that plain and level of knowledge. Heavens knows that it's opened up an interesting level of understanding for Me, alone. And I know of only a very few people who have actually 'accessed' it without losing their minds. But even they still have yet to 'garner' the same 'link' to it that I've come to have. And frankly, I couldn't teach anyone to do the same as I have, even if I tried. I don't even know how I managed to accomplish it, myself.
And yes... for a short time, it Did drive me to temporary "insanity" and back... so much so that, to a point, I wasn't sure if I was in THIS reality or another altogether. My mind, at the time, went completely "out of whack", so I know that at the time, I wasn't quite ready for it, yet I still remain who I am, to-day (I know... "figure that out without getting a headache or getting truly illogical", yes?).
In short, the only thing that I can say is "I know what I know, and in my eyes, what I know is enough". I won't argue with others about it, because as the saying goes "there is little use in bringing one's self down to that level". If someone wants to look at this and tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, I've only one thing to say--
"YOU try going there and back, and see if YOU can maintain who you are... because I can one-hundred-per-cent guarantee that you most likely Can't."
I won't claim to be a genius. I prefer to let others decide that in their own opinions of me. There isn't any point in "blowing one's own horn", in any manner, because it only means that you're going in circles (and likely (proverbially) going nowhere quick).
((By the way, if someone reads this and it makes no sense, then do let me know so that I can clarify. Don't merely assume anything, because everyone here should know the old saying of assumptions. And I don't feel like being a 'proverbial ass' about pointing anything out or sounding as if I'm trying to make someone else look a fool - after all, We Are ALL of us 'fools', of our own form.
As the phrase goes, "The Fool thinks himself to be a Wise Man, but a wise man Knows himself to be a fool" (Only two questions... "Where does one line end and the other begin" and more importantly... "isn't that a bit of an irony?...")))
And Yes; I took the line a little beyond what I should have, but it really doesn't matter. (It isn't called a "journal" for nothing.)