Sad to say that this particular entry can't be in a more positive way said. But it is something that I decided on some time ago, yet only now am I making it a fully known point.
Despite the fact that when I began a project around ten years ago - around which time, I had a full setup planned and ready to be born - the first time around, for some of that time, I also had state government backing for the entire project. Specifically, the governor of one state was going to personally grant me everything I needed to build it.
However, when things turned sideways in my personal life, many times over, I was left to abandon my original project and turn my sights to an old problem, which resulted in the time needed for the project expiring, and thus it fell apart (particularly for the second time - I won't get into what happened the first time, unless it is actually brought up).
Though I feel, today, it was a mistake to attempt to resurrect my project again... that's exactly what I tried to do. But for the third time, it ran into a large road block; this time, those who were part of the "inner circle" were either forced to abandon their place, or worse things occured. The very worst was when two of my closest and most endeared chose to turn on me completely; one had already abandoned me, and then placed the same guilt in my direction. The other, some time aft, instead, allowed me to be unknowingly put in the center of something that would've ended in me being one of two things; neither one being what a "respected" member of any society wants.
For the past three years, I have struggled with the factor of being all that remains of a project that once had quite a (political) following. My ex-wife claimed to be supportive of me bringing it back, but obviously, one can clearly see where that went.
Now, "fast forward" to the present; it's time for me to completely abandon "House of The Forsaken" and everything once tied to it. Those who were once part of it, "Lady Rain"/Victoria, Brother Dominic/"Khemet", Sister Hope, "Rush"/Zel, and both ex-wives Melanie and Talura, both of which went by their own alias for the sake of safety, and others whom I haven't named...
To everyone both mentioned and otherwise... I have no idea what I've done in the past, be it recent or long ago, besides try to help everyone and others, and protect. But for whatever reason these things have had to happen, I do have to let go of what I once tried to accomplish. There was a time when I was equally gifted and given a chance to make a dream happen. But that time is gone, and my one chance to have the only thing I wanted was destroyed, everything I worked for has since been taken away.
I've never really been a favorite of fate or destiny. But while I may even be incorrect, it seems that the two forces have decided that I wasn't meant to be the "leader" or what-have-you that some people once placed so much faith in me for. Instead, it seems that I'm supposed to take another path, far different from what I want, and that path is much closer, unfortunately, to what I did ages ago, long before I ever had the idea to guide the few newcomers that n had met long ago.
Today, it seems that fate has put me in the path of someone who was born to the same family that turned My life into a raging maelstrom nearly thirty years ago. But apart from that, I really don't know what my path is supposed to be anymore. However, I know that my old "House" is not part of this path. So, while it pains me deeply on both accounts of what I now say... This is my official "goodbye" to both "House of The Forsaken" (otherwise known as "HTF") and my goodbye to those who once stood by me many years ago, when I had first formed the project. I can no longer retain hopes for what has failed and fallen time and again. So I have officially given in and given up on what I want.
Should I cross paths with any who were once part of "HTF" in the future, and they/you are still the people I remember, then I will remember each as fondly as I possibly can.
As far as those who know what has transpired in these years - and you know who you are - let this be the point at which you remember, as well, that the "EstrangedOne" - the "Joshua" - that you once knew is gone. Standing in his place, now, is the one that only two people have ever fully known.
My name, my "title", my known "alias" will never change. To the Rave, I am "EstrangedOne". To those who knew me decades ago, I am the Shadow Walker King. I am a vampire and an old user of an art not well-viewed amongst the rest of the world. But I am still Me. And this is the way that I am evidently supposed to be.
This is my personal and permanent goodbye to House of The Forsaken and my old efforts with and for it.
I just logged on, earlier this morning, to notice two things that to me are highly uncommon, yet both things are one in the same: someone sends me a message (I can only assume) in regards to my journal entries on the site and asked me if I am "seeking attention" through my writing(s).
Well, the simplest answer that I can give to this question is "No". For the sake of clarity - make no mistake about it - I don't write for the sake of attention, unless you're talking about my poetry entries. Really, in that regard, I don't understand why someone would post something to that effect and not want it to be seen by others.
My "personal" entries are a method of "venting" and simply making things known of my life. And trust me, I have little intention of stopping there. But I use my journal entries as a way of preventing myself from going back on a vow I made to someone who was once very close to me.
My poetry, however... now, That is something that I genuinely and generally do wish to gain attention to some effect, as, in all honesty, my writing comes from something that I have lived with and lived through for so long, I know of no other way to speak most days.
To explain that statement; I write as I feel. Since I have extreme difficulty in conveying and showing emotions under most circumstances, I use my writing (my poetry, sometimes lacking rhyme or reason itself, I won't deny) to exhibit what I have for ages been forced to hide behind a "grinning mask". As the saying goes; those who smile the most hide the greatest pain.
I live now, having once again to constantly wear a mask, to hide who I really am. So I use certain methods that for myself were once proven to work (despite the fact they used to get me into a lot of trouble), and they kept me from unleashing what I hide within.
Sadly, I'm forced once again to resort to said method, due to what I have been going through for the past two months, and unfortunately, I know that what I am going through now... it is far from over.
This being said, I will end this particular entry with a simple statement: Am I "seeking attention"? Far from it. However, if that is what anyone who reads my writing thinks, then that is your own prerogative. I simply use this as a method to 'safely' convey who I am, "inside", and what I live with. Plain and simple.
I used to be a "House Elder". With a wife whom I loved more than anyone I have ever known, apart from the only real 'family' I ever had; my 'sisters', my (step) daughter, and brothers of olde.
Now, really, I have, in essence, none of that... I have had no contact with my (step) daughter for some time now; nor those brothers; the woman for whom I did only my absolute best for left me for a former friend of mine, and I was forced to leave practically everything with/to her, apart from a bag of my personal possessions and the clothing I wear. The position I once held in a certain community no longer exists to anyone's knowledge (let alone to their memory). I have lost what friends I once had to apparent actions of my own doing that I don't even know myself, at this point...
I am, for all intent and purpose... essentially a ghost of my own past. Broken and alone. The 'being' and existence that I am still remains, yet all purpose to my own existence is now far beyond my knowledge - IF any such purpose even exists now, which... if any does, then I obviously don't know.
I've been around for a long time, and strangely enough, despite it all... I don't even have a single thing to show for it, apart from the scars and showing or speaking of parts of my life...
My old "house" is obviously no more. Every person and piece of it has left and abandoned. Including the one to whom I've given my everything, long after I knew it would fail, and everything has fallen apart once more. The only piece of it that remains is of the one thing that I'm forced to keep going, despite my own despair. But even in that, I am of no use to any, now.
Assuming there is something that a visitor to my page or journal wishes to know, that I have not already said here... then I suppose you may as well message me and you will likely find out.
To be brutally honest... when I say "I'm a tormented individual", unfortunately... I'm far from joking.
From one official marriage and divorce from which I once gave my all and gained only pain, to so many failed relationships I've lost count, and seeing some of those once closest to me either die or simply be taken away by fate... all the way to being the black sheep for as long as I can recall... to me, "personal torment" and Hell have a bit of a different meaning.
Really, all I want is to, for once, be able to forget about life and just live. I have no clue if I am or ever will be capable of a "relationship" again, and in all honesty, I am too burned out from loss to bother to try anymore.
Frankly, I think that I have already lost so much of what I once loved that I don't even know if I'm capable of love anymore.
I have already lost what little remained of my mind after having walked through the depths of insanity until I came out on the other side. I've lost the "love of my life", already, more times than I can count anymore (leading into my last and final that led to wedlock (from which I should have just walked away by force) and now divorce). I have lost my one and only chance of the one thing that I always wanted; a family of my own (so I know I'll never have the chance again).
What little that remains from said relationship I literally have in a backpack and a duffle bag (and I can't even joke about it all being only clothing and a few very personal possessions). This makes the umpteenth time that I have lost everything and now am at an even lower point than wherefrom I had to step back up last time... that being a said point, I personally feel I am done trying.
Make no mistake; I don't say this as an attempt to gain any sort of pity. I do so only that someone may understand where I come from. When I say "I'm a tormented individual", I mean that I literally have nightmares and night terrors from my past, and there are times that I wake screaming and thrashing or worse. In my wake, it is memory after memory constantly burdening my mind. And in my sleep, there seems no end to the barrage of horror and visions I contend with.
The biggest irony in it all is in the fact that I am also a minister. A 'reverend', you could say. Kind of makes one wonder, I would suppose, what I have done or endured that would warrant the level of pain that I conceal. Unfortunately, even for what I write (and whoever chooses to read it when I put it up for all to see), there are far too many things that haunt me for me to appropriately tell anyone, even if they think they will understand. Trust me... my (soon-to-be/already) ex-wife thought she understood for nearly five years. And yet look at where I stand now...
Alone. Lost. And apparently condemned for everything I've done, whether I know what I have done or not.
I will soon enough be editing some things in my profile, to properly align what I am now "about"... There are some things that over the past five years, I have decided to completely turn my back on, and some I am returning to completely.
Yes, in case the headline isn't indicative, I am, at this point, completely finished with certain things. "Broken and lost" being essentially the operative words to use in this state for me, now... I think it's time for me to go over what has transpired before it boils over within myself;
I/We recently moved from Tennessee to Louisiana (more specifically, New Orleans), due to our lives being essentially turned to ash in Nashville (something that I'd warned my soon-to-be Former other half would happen one way or another, yet she now consistently blames me, just like every other female in my past has done), and of course, the very next day after our arrival, she leaves me, claiming that every person who has stabbed me in the back had "more than enough reason to do it".
Don't get me wrong. I don't claim to be a saint on any level. But one thing that I cannot recall having warranted is being betrayed time and again, by anyone. Least of all, the woman I've tied the knot with.
I had things perfectly set to a plan when we planned for our life in New Orleans. It would have taken a little time, but within a month, we would have been starting back the life we had been fighting for. Yet the woman and her little boyfriend decide that it's better to drop me and have THEIR family... Knowing everything that has laid between us, and everything that I have fought tooth and claw for...
So now, here I am, awaiting my departure from Louisiana, back to where I evidently made the big mistake of marrying this woman, just so I can file for the divorce she wants, and then I can live in obscurity as I had planned before meeting her. I swear, I truly fucking Hate being right. And unfortunately, I also know (besides what I warned her about years ago) that this woman is only going to prove me correct Again. But This time, sadly, I want nothing more than for the female to actually prove me wrong (typically, I used to hope that she wouldn't be the one to finally prove me wrong, but now, I no longer give a damn).
This time, everything that she and I both had worked so damn hard to have and keep is now gone, and I am left to return to my last Hell, just to undo the mistake that took place five years ago. I really do wish that the broad would have listened to me back then, and just gone about her life after we met...
Furthermore, as for some old bridges both burned and/or buried... I will keep a slight eye upon my messages and journal here, to see who really wants to find where they or I stand now. But I will forewarn those who do, and you can thank my soon-to-be former spouse for it (and no, I cannot even call her a wife, at this point)-- if you thought I was "cold" before... Trust me, you haven't seen anything yet. At this point, there is only one way by which I allow certain individuals to return to My circle. And I can just about wager that those individuals won't like the price they will have to pay to begin.
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