EstrangedOne's Journal


Honor: 40    [ Give / Take ]


11 entries this month

Finally Pulling The Proverbial Thumb Out... And Thinking...

16:08 Nov 29 2023
Times Read: 181

Finally managing to pull the proverbial thumb out of my ass, and work on some of my new music. And of course, I finally get hit with a little idea...

I am now actually considering using just a sample of one of the songs I'm working with as the background music for my profile - in particular, the song I'm thinking of happens to be of direct correlation to my background image.
Naturally, as I'm sure some might guess, given that I put a 'special' message behind my music, as quite a few musicians do... the one thing about the idea that I find myself concerned with is actually neglecting of the whole downloading issue of before, as I've finally figured out at least one alternative way to go about it, since I still can't fully utilize my YT channel (oh, well, I suppose).

However, I find it difficult to put that one issue that I have into words, and at this moment in time, I'm not even sure why. So, I find myself wondering if I should just say "fuck it", and use the very song sample I find myself thinking of using, and be done with it, for now.




A 'New' Piece To Work With::

03:35 Nov 29 2023
Times Read: 192

And I have just acquired a new 'instrument' to work with. At least, once I can get the necessary accessories to use it.

My young associate has just passed me a MIDI drum kit, designed specifically to be used electronically/with a DAW (Digital Audio Workshop), and the like.
Naturally, it isn't something you would be using in a live setting, unless you have a ridiculous speaker system attached to it, but that is a little... unlikely, in my case.

After setting this thing up to take a look at it, I couldn't help noticing that I would have to hook the whole thing up with a very bass-ackward rig of wires, just to make it work, because the manner of cable needed to connect it straight to my recording system is kind of... lacking. The one cable necessary, and it's the one that I do not have, which leaves one Hell of an interesting question. - - HOW am I to use this thing, assuming I really can.

Don't get me wrong, here. I've been talking about my search for a MIDI extension for my music system, and my preference for things being a little more old-fashioned. But this is a little bit... awkward, to say the least. I literally have no way to connect this thing, at the present moment, which leaves me wondering how I can pull it off, if I can use it, at all.
Ironically, I had also come across something quite similar, recently, during a little trip through some stores' inventories, and I only found myself thinking "I don't think so". Well, lo and behold, the irony.

Now, granted, I did buy this thing off of the kid, so, if needed, I could always turn about and sell it off again, but given that I have been somewhat in need of an addition to my system, I can't help wondering what I can or should do to make this thing work with the system that I currently have at my disposal, given that it requires the one manner of cable I don't possess (technically, two kinds of cables, really).

I can't connect it straight to my interface, with the primary cable needed - the reason being that the manner of cable needed is a completely different format/style (all my cables are of the updated 3-prong genre). This thing requires what looks like a damn Hand-Held FAN.
So, for now, I have to leave this little electronic contraption sitting "in the corner", against the wall, until I can get my hands on the cable(s) I need to make it work with my system. Granted, I could (possibly) utilize the USB connection, but there is one big problem with that... the one available USB port I have, when my recording system is running also happens to be completely shot, because my computer was designed to be a little bit TOO "tightly" put together. So, I've no other option, with That, other than to replace said USB port, and far more. But for the time being, at least, I suppose we shall see where all this one goes. Honestly, I'm not expecting a whole lot with this thing, because it's designed for a system that I don't have, after having returned to 'my world' through a completely new system approach from what I remembered, so I've had to learn that new system, and pretty much forsake the old one.

But I suppose, we will hopefully see where this goes, once my latest... "funk" is finally over with.

"Cowabunga" and oy-fucking-vey...




A Rather... Weird One to Have on The Mind...

12:45 Nov 24 2023
Times Read: 213

I can definitely tell tonight has been a weird one. Not so much chaos or the typical irritation(s), but... the dreams from yesterday or yesterday evening. I don't know what prompted it, but around some fairly short "happy holiday" messages to a few, I actually had to spend my night calming my mind from the effects of dreams that I really cannot figure out. I only know that they had me waking up ready to kill something, at first. Of course, it doesn't help that someone had to call me, asking for advice, while I'm easing myself down (go figure - and I'm fairly sure people likely know who it was), and apparently forgets why I cut myself off from most of the world.

These dreams, however... started off quite pleasant. Spending time with someone special - though, sadly, that ended in a bit of a blur, as it went to the old memories of combat - typical. That, unfortunately, I'm a little too accustomed to. but then, it went to something that I'm NOT accustomed to, and have no idea where it came from...

I'm standing with an old friend who's been dead for years, now; an old Armed Forces buddy. A bit of a weapons fanatic. He's showing me some 'new little toys' he apparently managed to design - little micro pistols. And I do mean "micro". These things didn't shoot actual Bullets, but, instead, they shot Nails (and apparently, with surprising accuracy, at that), about an inch long - roughly 0.5-2 penny in weight, or something to that effect.
Typically, I'm not the biggest fan of firearms, myself. But I apparently took an odd interest in these things, as they could be hidden and held practically anywhere, almost without notice, among other weird little tidbits.
But apparently, this is where it took an even more weird and messed up turn; because shortly after he is finished with showing me these little "toys", the guy vanishes into thin air. Probably no big deal, there, yes? Yet, these little pistols are still there, one in my hands and one on the table.
Moments aft, I see someone close to me getting in their vehicle and heading out, after some kind of dispute. The other party decided to follow, but seemed to make a point of moving a little oddly brisk. I end up with a sinking sensation in my gut, so, I take off, myself, with said micro-pistols in hand and a blade already on me, and I'm running through a thicket of woods, just before somehow catching up, in time to see a vehicle getting dumped over, which sends me straight into combat-mode.

Needless to say, I awoke shaking, and just about ready to kill something. I don't think I was vocal/screaming, but I know I was both literally steaming and my entire upper body primed to do some damage, and I'm fairly certain I felt a guttural growl rising, in the process.

Now, granted, I've calmed down, which, somehow, took pretty much all night. But I am still trying to figure this one out, because I really have no idea what would've prompted such a dream, even in my case. I know I can have some weird things go through my mind, due to my history, but this was ridiculous.

Initially, I wasn't even going to write about this, in here. But there was so much odd and vivid detail, it was (and is) absurd. I swear, with all the detail, it could rival something written by Anne Rice. I can't help finding it just bloody fucking weird.
And because of this, I've been spending my night filling my system with enough nicotine and wine to make a horse fall over.
Probably not the best idea, but hey...




Working on a Couple Ideas...

01:46 Nov 20 2023
Times Read: 230

Over the course of the past several days, since I've finally been 'approved' for my latest job (which took bloody forever, as it feels, and things are still hanging in the air (at least, from what I've seen)) and thus spending some time tinkering about to learn a new and positively monotonous system (along with still hunting for extra work), I've had some ideas enter my mind, of late. I'm thinking of putting them with the compilation of music I have been working on.

My area had a little bit of rain (or as I would call it, a drizzle) arrive over the course of Friday night. Naturally, I couldn't resist stepping outside with my nightly glass of wine, and thankfully, it was after the film was already over.
I'm not sure what it is, but there seems to be something in the physical atmosphere that I can't help get an odd and almost uneasy feeling from. Unfortunately, I am still accustomed to having to deal with certain memories that I can only describe in "generalized" terms as being well-beyond gory, which is still putting it mildly. But this atmospheric shift seems so different, even from that. It has actually had me tempted to keep my blades on me, even while living so nigh to the "boonies" of my area. And mind you, I don't refer to a few pocket knives or the like, when I say that. But anyway...

I decided to redo a little bit of an old poem I did, a little while ago, and I'm thinking of simply keeping the name as it is, since it just seems to suit the purpose of the song.
Another, however... I'm kind of wondering what to call it, though I do have a decent idea for that - given that it's based particularly for this time of year.

Though, I will say that I do want to finish reading the book I've been going through, first - I'm certainly not the fastest reader in existence, but I'm definitely not the slowest. I suppose that just depends upon what might be going through my head at any given time, and whether or not I'm able to really focus. Thankfully, however, I am almost finished with it, but it is one of those books designed specifically to be kept in the cabinet, so to speak, for times when you really need it - or at least, so I've heard some say.

Well, I suppose, for the moment... at least, until tomorrow, at which point, I get to visit a temp-job agency... it is back to the reading, and letting my mind go a little bit nuts for the evening, as it often does, lately. I may well be showing a little bit of the songs I'm wanting to work on in my Poetry Journal Section, but at the moment, I'm not fully sure.




Feeling Like I've Become A Lame-Brain...

20:21 Nov 17 2023
Times Read: 246

Well, I've finally gotten some manner of confirmation on the details regarding my latest job (about damn time, too). Now, however, I'm feeling, overall, like all this waiting has been turning me into a lame-brain.

When you have to use a mobile website to keep track of everything, because no one seems to know how to keep a system proven to work, and it seems to be one of those things that looks flashy, but ends right there... oy vey...
And believe me, when I say the given web-based system is ridiculously flashy. Now, I get to adventure through it and figure out what I know no one told me in the apparently very vague orientation. I just hope that the schedule is at least solid, so I don't have to spend a ton of time trying to figure out "what or where" details.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Between having to laze around and sit on my ass so much, which I can usually only tolerate that when I'm reading, and the horse shit of dealing with agencies/companies that seem to enjoy screwing their people over (I really wish I had learned about that detail much sooner, because I wouldn't have wasted the time or money with them (i.e., music distribution company)), and those two things being only the tip of the iceberg... the funny thing is that I know it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but damn, it gets to be one complicated headache.
Funny-but-not-so-funny enough, I think the lackadaisical shit has been making my mind slip like a rockslide, because things that typically don't go amiss with me have been slipping and sliding like crazy. It really is disturbing what more than six months of fighting for a job that helps to keep your mind keen, and being forced to be lazy (sadly, I'm not even joking, when I say that) can do to the brain.

And I just realized, a little bit ago, that there were even things on here that went completely amiss with me, recently, which... now, don't get me wrong. I know it's just the Rave (some call it VR), but still. Of the few, even on here, that I consider to be friends or more, I'm pretty sure people have likely noticed the weird shift in me, since my activity spike hit around January.
Mind you, January was also when my recent-ish friend and client, Moni, died (of all things, on her own birthday (may the woman rest in peace)). Taking care of the woman for close enough to a year actually kept my mind keen and sharp. But then again, I was also the only one working with her about 90% of the time, and I got my shit jumped for not taking a step back to rest (oh, the irony).

But anyway... here I am, now, fiddling with a MOBILE-based website for the new job, via my PC, because, well... while in orientation, they used a PC screen to display it, which... did NOT help, at all, because though they gave a VERBAL explanation of the Main Page, they didn't SHOW a damn thing of any real importance. And worse yet... it's a Mobile-based app/website... fuckers should at least have the sense to display it in said orientation in the way the damn thing is designed to be used, instead of giving only a brief glimpse of that Main Page, alone, via a computer screen.
But then again, it was the HR-RN who was giving the little show-&-tell, which makes no sense, as it really should've been the branch manager doing that, in the first place. Boy, I really could go on and on, just about That little detail, and I wasn't even intending this to be a rant about it. Yet it already sounds like it is.

Well, time for some major tinkering, just to find the shit I need to know, so I can (hopefully) get started with working again. One of the worst things about having to sit around so damn much is in the simple fact that I also happen to be one of those who uses my job (whatever I happen to be doing for work) as a major means to keep my mind occupied, instead of letting myself slip into and be consumed by a crippling depression (since, of course, even if medications did work on me, I still wouldn't bother taking them). Ergo, almost any job type that keeps my mind and body keen, I am usually likely to put as much time into it as I can, just to maintain my functionality. And that's only the start of the reason(s) for which (in all my "demented" self-existential-contradiction) I tend to put so much time and effort into whatever I happen to be doing.

Now, granted, this certainly doesn't mean that I intend to be putting anything else I do off to the side. Not by a long shot. If anything, I only find it to be more fuel added to the fire.

Something I do find a little ironic, as well, though...
Of course, as I always give ample warning of, I told my hiring manager that (minimally) most of my old co-workers would probably describe me as "a quirky but efficient/reliable asshole". And yes, if I recall correctly, those were my exact words.
But apparently, when the manager spoke to my FORMER manager, they heard nothing but said agency practically singing my praises to the hymns of the heavens. Or at least, this is what I was told, just a week-ish ago, while I was struggling to get my prints done. I kind of feel like I'm missing something almost vital, here.

But anyway, it is now time for some tinkering, while I wait for film night.



05:07 Nov 19 2023

Ah, the joys of figuring out a new job on ones own...
Best of luck to you


Just Had an Interesting Little Thought...

12:35 Nov 09 2023
Times Read: 277

I've just had the thought of using my profile - specifically my media player or something - to put some of my original music on "display", just to see if it does anything for those who visit my profile.

Considering how much I've already created, as it is, and I'm still looking at the idea of likely having to change my methods completely, with getting it out there... I kind of wonder if it would have at least some positive impact, just to leave a sample of a song, once in awhile.

The curiosity is actually quite tempting to try out.




::It Looks Like I Am Now Completely Dropping & Self-Deleting My Work From Primary Platforms::

23:54 Nov 07 2023
Times Read: 310


Since I have recently found out some very frustrating and damaging news about the Platforms I've had (particularly tycoons such as Spotify), it looks like I am now going to be looking into completely taking down and deleting any and all of my work from said Platforms, and quite likely even dropping my distribution "team", to boot.

Evidently, major corporate tycoons have decided it appropriate to penalize any Group, Soloist or even Producers & Distribution less popular than the biggest names in music. We're talking about some even getting a heavy fine, just for having their shit being brought to Spotify, on top of said Groups/Soloists being completely screwed out of their own work. And sadly, while it may sound farfetched, this is no exaggeration, by any means.

Honestly, I see this as one big slap in the face (and more) to a lot more musicians than just myself.
Don't get me wrong, here... I do prefer doing my music over a lot of other shit. For the most part, it helps to maintain what little remains of my sanity or lack thereof. That being said, I don't necessarily do it for the money - really, if that were the case, then I would be signing myself up to be touring, along with all the other shit that goes with the industry. What little/non-existent financial gain might come with it is simply a minute bonus, in my mind.

I do music for multiple reasons--
Part of it is to get my thoughts out and into a form by which they are literally heard, to deal/cope with my own demons;

Another is to attempt to help anyone else dealing with their own. For this purpose, I often try to place myself into the perspective and position of another person( albeit, in a possibly odd fashion), even when I do it specifically from my own perspective.

These are only two of the multitude of reasons for which I do this, especially as I do, with what little I use for it. But to find out that one of the most major platforms is now penalizing anyone who isn't already among the "top ten" across the world, and signed to a major record company... yeah, that shit is fucking insulting and flat-out disrespectful, even to Me.

So... all of my frustrated jabber-walkie aside... it seems that (since I apparently CAN'T do anything to have my work taken down from said platform(s), without dealing with the same ring-around-the-rosy bullshit and more than I even have to deal with about getting the music OUT...) I am simply going to be waiting until early spring, and hopefully, it will be removed by default. Thankfully, almost everything that has been put out, so far, is more or less just a "joke" of a test run, in comparison to what I have been working on (and fixing) since.

Kind of ironic... I remember the first time I recorded myself with a guitar, almost twenty years ago.. of those I showed said recording to, one, in particular, said "Remember me when you're making millions".
To be honest... I really don't see that happening, in the first place. And if it ever did, I would be both in shock and kind of concerned.

Lastly... THIS is why I am no longer going to be using either of my Spotify channels (user or artist)...


And this is only the tip of the iceberg. Enough said?




I Can Definitely Tell That I Don't Spend Much Time With Some Things...

00:52 Nov 03 2023
Times Read: 367

Yes, I can tell I don't spend much time with finding out who is whom, on here. But then again, almost anyone can "be" almost anyone, in/on a site of this kind. Some 'faces' look familiar, while others don't, and half of each are either long-time "residents", or new - half the time, I can't tell which way it goes. But it also doesn't help much that I don't particularly care, with most of them.
That's a lot of Half-'n-Half's, and I'm not even making a joke about it. Not yet, anyway.

Admittedly, I do spend more time with things such as music and/or reading (and yes, for those who don't know, my preferred reading material is most often the Craft and science based - speaking of which, I probably really should find something more fictional to take an interest in... if I can, that is... for some reason, most fiction never did suit my taste).
Oh, the accursed wonders...

I must say, however, that there really are a LOT of alternate profiles on here - worse than I ever saw of Facebook, which, in and of itself, has become ridiculous, even. But then, one also can't discount all the damn "trolls" that seem to enjoy popping up and wreaking havoc. Personally, I think said "trolls" are likely one of the two biggest reasons the Rave has lost some attention, over the years. But then, I also don't see many people doing anything about it - and yes, I am guilty of this stance, myself.
Granted, I did have no choice but to take one insanely long hiatus (years on end, in fact) before my return, about three-ish years ago. And honestly, the number of alternate profiles seems to have jumped a ways, while the "trolls" only seem to lie dormant for the time being.
But anyway... on with the night, I suppose.



09:52 Nov 04 2023

It is certainly a curious phenomenon to navigate the vast realm of online communities, where identities can blur and individuals can don masks of anonymity. It is understandable that distinguishing genuine personas from fabricated ones can become quite the challenge. While it may not be a pursuit that piques your interest, one cannot deny the intriguing complexities that lie within this virtual landscape.

It is admirable that you prioritize your time with music and reading, especially in the realms of craft and science. Engaging with these intellectual pursuits can broaden one's horizons and deepen their understanding of the world. Perhaps, though, there is value in venturing into the realm of fiction. It may provide a different avenue for exploration, enabling you to exercise your imagination and uncover hidden truths in metaphorical tales.

Indeed, the proliferation of alternate profiles can be overwhelming, and it does remind one of the expanse of identities on platforms like Facebook. The presence of "trolls," those mischievous entities that revel in causing chaos, can certainly cloud the experience for others. It is a pity that their antics sometimes overshadow the genuine discourse that takes place. However, as you astutely noted, it takes more than observation to effect change. Taking an active stance against these disruptions can contribute significantly towards fostering a more positive and engaging community.

Your long hiatus from this realm is reminiscent of the cyclical nature of online spaces. While you were away, the landscape has shifted and evolved, allowing for the emergence of new faces and the subduing of lurking "trolls." It is a continuous ebb and flow, like waves crashing upon the shore, always in a state of perpetual change.

As the night unfolds, carrying with it the mysteries and wonders that it holds, I encourage you to embrace the enigmatic aspects of this virtual realm. Seek connections and engage in conversations that captivate your intellectual curiosity. Who knows, amidst the sea of alternate profiles, you may uncover hidden gems of knowledge and forge bonds that defy the constraints of this digital realm.


A Little... Consideration, I Suppose...

02:45 Nov 02 2023
Times Read: 394

Well, now, I simply wait for anyone among those of the contest who may not have "made the cut" to respond... although, I will definitively say that while I was not expecting "Children of The Hallows" to be in the 1st Place category, my reasoning for that is not quite what some might think.

You see, for quite a number of years, now - decades, in fact - I have had trouble with one particular concept, above almost any other: humility. Given where I have been and for how long, I have a LOT of trouble with being humble, myself. You might say "the humility was beaten out of me", almost literally.
I know, all too well, my own ability with words; especially poetry. Ergo, when I say that something I've done is "fodder" or "sub-par, at best", that is not me having doubt in my ability to write poetry or a song. That is simply me being one Hellish critic of my own work. But that being said, I suppose it is time for me to move on to the somewhat "lesser" point of this one...

Now, I know that I stated, some months ago, when I started back up with my music, that I would no longer be putting any of my poetry writings in my Journal on here. But given my recent findings of the BS going on with the Independent side of music, well... now, I have pretty much nothing but time to think, since apparently, the many 'Indie' musicians are suddenly going to get completely screwed over by the streaming platforms, I now have to find another way to get the music out there. I still want to stream it live for people, but if I am going to get fucked over by the very platforms I initially chose to send my music to, then I am left with no choice but to abandon the primaries and seek out another means. But in any case...

Despite my statement of no longer putting my poetic works in here, I'm now considering rescinding that statement, only a little bit. I know that several years ago, my Journal was positively jam-packed (almost broken and literally burdened) with my many writings, though obviously most of them filled with anger, rage, mixed emotions, etcetera. But I am considering (and I don't know why) letting at least some of that out, again, perhaps little by little. Though, personally, I still find my best work to be what I put into my music, which, intentionally, only gets more and more progressive (hence, my idea of "progressive gothic rock"). Granted, that music may not be "very good" or suiting to peoples' tastes, but frankly... the music is just what I do.

Granted, I really would like to have at least YouTube to bring my music into the ears and minds, but since I really don't like being on screen, unless I can distort the image through editing, and apparently, that being one of the reasons I have trouble with growing my channel enough to actually show the music as it's supposed to be shown (along with the fact that even the Tube has been getting more and more "funny" and funky about what they allow, which is completely fucking backwards)... yeah... that one is both a contradiction and one Hell of a debacle, in and of itself.
But... in any case... I suppose, should people further ask to see more of my writings again, I will bring some of it back to my Journal, here. But I can guarantee it won't be anywhere near as much as I once did. I suppose that one just depends upon what little feedback I receive about it.

Honestly, in terms of the music versus anything else of myself... I would rather live in obscurity, myself, and just have my music be what is widely known. But apparently, that, alone, is a catch-twenty-two and an even bigger contradiction than almost anything else about me. But oh, well.

In any case, for now, I simply await those who took part in the contest this year and didn't get the limelight to message me with their efforts. Otherwise, it's just going to be a straight-up coin-toss. Don't be too timid, people.




Things With The Music Are Beginning To Get... Interesting... And Not In A Good Way...

15:52 Nov 01 2023
Times Read: 406

It looks like I apparently won't be streaming my music on Spotify, any longer - even YouTube is getting funny-er. Go figure, the most major streaming platforms, even for fellow "Indie" musicians, and one of them is only trying like Hell to force more people to BUY their "premium" service (which keeps getting bumped up in price, I might add), while the other one is, as of now, changing their own Terms of Service to fuck over anyone who gets less than 200 "regular" streams of listening a month. Guess where about 70-90% of the benefit from THAT is going?
Basically, as an Independent musician, one gets screwed over, and almost ALL of the benefit that comes from it is now, suddenly going straight to a "pool" to which said Independents have no access; only the biggest names get a piece of the "pie". And I'm not even joking, when I say that. And the sad part is that this is barely even the eye of the needle, as it were.

So, in short, I already have to find another way to get the music out there, and as I've said before... I haven't even really started.
Just another way big corporates are doing their damnedest to fuck over anyone "under" them, simply to get their doubled bucks...




For They Who Observe It, Anyway...

04:51 Nov 01 2023
Times Read: 300

For those who observe any special tradition, themselves, Happy All Hallows Eve and a Blessed Samhain (some might call it "All Saints' Day").

Personally, especially over the past few decades, since I found myself in the US, I haven't exactly had much of a 'tradition' worth keeping. Just about the only thing I really do, these days, which I've done fairly often, anyway, is taking a little walk through the night. Not really much of a "tradition", honestly.
But then, I kind of walked away from the idea of "traditions" after a lot of things went to Hell, years ago. I still observe the time, and the like. But a personal tradition? The way I see it, there really isn't much point for me.

But in any case, I've done enough rambling...
For those who do hold and observe a tradition for the given days; Happy Halloween/All Hallows Eve, and here is to a pleasant Samhain (or All Saints' Day) for you all.



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