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Fizbop's Journal


Fizbop's Journal

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19 entries this month
 

Officially Homeless

19:24 Feb 24 2019
Times Read: 295


I don't know what else to say.


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I'm never going to give you up

03:31 Feb 24 2019
Times Read: 311


I love you without fail.
You are my missing piece to my life.
The flip side to my soul.
You fit me perfectly.

Even when you were sick you helped me.
Even when you were laying in bed trying to mend you helped me.
You went beyond what you needed to.
Which made me love you even more.

I look at the stars and wonder if your seeing the one I am.
If only I was there, If only you weren't so far away.
I'm Never Going To give you up.
I'm Never Going to stop loving you.

When I was down you cheered me up.
You match me so perfectly.
I want you more each day.
You are the fire that kindles my heart and keeps me warm at night.

I love you more and more each day. I added a heart to my pentacle. That's my love for you forever intertwined with my magic.

I can't help loving you so very much.
Even when I'm in my dark abyss you remind me of our love.
It may be long distance and you maybe afar.
I'll never stop loving you and I'm never going to give you up.

I see so much in you I want with you.


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Doctor Visit #3

03:29 Feb 21 2019
Times Read: 325


After missing my appointment last time.  I finally made it to my Doctor for a follow up appointment.  My levels are almost where I need them.   I talked to her about what my case manager had said about the Bottom Surgery which was to reauthorize it with the insurance and it'll go through, paid by insurance.   This woman is on track.  My Doctor said of course she would do it also wrote me a letter saying that I couldn't work due to my Mental Health in her professional opinion. I mentioned what had been going on and I broke down and cried my heart out all she could do was hug me and tell me that she wish she could help.


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GO FUND ME HELP IF YOU CAN

20:30 Feb 20 2019
Times Read: 335


https://www.gofundme.com/URGENT-Help-Katie-Homeless-surgery-funds&rcid=r01-155069441766-eb9a86f9ef3c44ca&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

Katie's Go Fund Me


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Middle Name Achievement Unlocked

19:07 Feb 20 2019
Times Read: 336


I found a middle name lol

Kaytlyn Susan Dakota (Katie Sue Dakota(Guzman))


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(CW)A BUNCH OF TRIGGERS)) Read at your own risk

16:31 Feb 16 2019
Times Read: 383


(CW)A BUNCH OF TRIGGERS)

I've been bullied.
I've been Raped A LOT!
I've been called a geek.
I've been called a nerd.
I've been called ugly.
I've been told to eat more I'm too skinny.
I've been told I love you only to be told it was LUST!
I've been walked all over.
I've been misgendered CONSTANTLY.
I've constantly told people not to use my DEAD NAME.

Doctor's that don't know me refuse to not use my DEAD NAME.

It's a constant thing. Insurance has to use it.
I have to say my LEGAL DEAD NAME IS.
I'm going to be homeless.
I'll be in a tent no lock.
If food can be stolen from you what else can happen.
Obviously guards aren't guarding very well.

I'm an artist.
I'm a nice person.
I'm a lover.
I'm a Trans Woman.
I've always been a Woman.
I couldn't tell you sooner then when I came out.

I wish I had done my transition early.
I wish my breast weren't so small.
I wish I could have my surgery now with out the needing signatures.
I've had friends, loved ones, abandon me.

I have mental problems.
PTSD
Bi-Polar
Psychotic Features
Schizophrenia
Dissociative identity disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

I'm on HRT Hormone Replacement Therapy
I'm crying.
I'm hurting.
I'm not OKAY

I want it gone NOW
I want my breast bigger NOW
I want my vagina NOW
I don't want to be homeless!

I hate being alone.
I'm terrified of water.
Raped in the back of a pickup truck in the rain.
I barely eat I have an eating disorder.

People have used me to get nudes.
People have used me to get sex
People have used me for money

I used to self harm and I still think about it.
I've tried to kill myself 3 times.
I've been in the hospital 4 times for my mental illness.
I am broken and I need Serious Help and no where to turn.

People say I'm strong, I'm courageous, That I'm smart.
I used to think these things now I don't.
PLEASE HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF THE GOD AND GODDESS.


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How I’m feeling right now!

21:49 Feb 15 2019
Times Read: 422


First things first.  I want to say that I know there's a lot of you that can't help me I'm not blaming you nor is what I'm about to say anything to do with you.  This is how I feel.

Yesterday, 4 different drivers no showed for my doctor's appointment that I really really needed to get to.  Had to cancel.  Today my former partner had to take me to my psychologist appointment and that's the last ride I can get from them.  I've tried and only had 3 donations for Help Kaytlyn from Homeless and surgery funds , and my  Facebook Fundraiser   Click the links to donate. So The person I had arranged to get a chance to pick up the pieces of my life can't help.  Now the person that was going to help me here has bailed on me.
I no longer have anymore options.  I'm scared, I'm fucking pissed off.  I'm angry.  I want to go on a rampage.  I want to self harm.  I DO NOT want to freeze my ass off in a TENT with 100's of other people.  I really don't want to have to do that. I'm starting to hate living.  I have bi polar now. and I'm now on Aripipazole.  so fucking fun. 

I FUCKING HATE THIS I NEED FUCKING HELP SERIOUSLY 


COMMENTS

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Tristesse
Tristesse
12:31 Feb 16 2019

Rave is a wonderful place in the sense that one is allowed to treat it as a safe haven and of course, exercising one's freedom of speech and expression. Nothing wrong with that. Seriously, there isn't.

I will be praying for you...





 

Informative video about Vaginoplasty

04:43 Feb 15 2019
Times Read: 433



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I need help

02:52 Feb 15 2019
Times Read: 438




MY GO FUND ME

Donate if you can share if you can.

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Things that Happened to me yesterday.

05:35 Feb 14 2019
Times Read: 464


The things that happened to me yesterday
Yesterday, (all my troubles seemed so far away) I had totally lost my mind. I was stumbling everywhere crashing into walls using walls to hold onto. (Kinda like Assassin’s Creed except very not cool. No I didn’t try to do the leap of faith thank god. Besides where am I going to find a wagon of hay to jump into at this hour.) Everytime I was introduced to someone I didn’t know, I had forgoten who they were. Had to ask over and over again who are you what do you do. The vampires took my blood again. Wish I had an oak steak. Stupid vampires always wanting my O posititive blood cuz it’s so rare. Leave me alone you vampires. I only let special vampires have my blood anyways. Right now I have some Enya on trying to calm down from my day yesterday. So the doctor’s examined me and junk. 180 pulse rate 125 lbs (8.92857 stones) just in case you need to know that translation. So they give me two pills for my anxienty, and a couple of shots saying this will put you to sleep. I was like yeah right, I haven’t been sleeping well the past 3 days stress and whatnot. Also being isolated with no one to actually physically talk to didn’t help. I think I went batty. I was talking to the back up nurse that was watching over me. Wonderful lady though I can’t recall her name. She erased my name, and I asked her what she was doing. She had said I am making your name more pretty. I was like awwwwlll. I didn’t expect so many to respect my gender as much as they did. Before I went in I was in the crisis counseling where I got to meet Efron the only person I could remember. He was like me liked to be quiet and got all my references. The lady made one reference to something we high fived. I love when people get me. Like Efron he was so cool. So they bring in my dinner it was a baloney sandwich. I hate baloney it’s discussing and nasty. So I didn’t eat it. The back up and nurse and I were just chating she was guarding my door making sure no one got in. Unless they had to bring me more hot blankey’s that’s one thing I love about hospitals is warm blankets. You can’t beat that they always bring me 4 cuz I get really chilly. Anyways she noticed I was drifting off to lala land, and the next thing I know it was 9 am and awake. I had french toast and eggs surprisingly good for breakfast. I ate a bit of oat meal too, they even gave me coffee. How well they know me. I’m a huge coffee drinker I love it. Anyways they said I was going to be discharged and I’m like what I was supposed to be going to a halfway house sorta thing. Guess what that’s a process too. Fuck me….. Everything’s a god damn process. No we can’t help you now but if you do a b c d e f and jump threw fire and tame a lion and juggle these fire sticks and do Aerial Acrobatics and chant beetleguise 3 times. Walk on a fire pit without being burned. Then and only then can you go through and do g h I j k and then you get help.

Seriously, thats how impossible it is to get help here. Everyone said ohhhh they’ll help you. Well they didn’t. Went to get some much needed food other then toast for dinner and nothing else. My former partner helped me out a lot today and seriously thank you for that.


COMMENTS

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NikkiAidyn
NikkiAidyn
12:53 Feb 14 2019

I hope you're doing better. Lack of sleep and stress can do things to people





Fizbop
Fizbop
18:08 Feb 14 2019

I think it was a lot of things but thank you.





 

Urget loved ones read

21:37 Feb 12 2019
Times Read: 529


They are forcing me into the mental hospital. I will not have a phone. Remember please I love you all


COMMENTS

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Ylvax
Ylvax
21:50 Feb 12 2019

Much love to you... and I wish you the best-Nikki





Brigid
Brigid
00:57 Feb 13 2019

aweee Katlyn u whats wrong tell me honey





Brigid
Brigid
01:06 Feb 13 2019

i keep forgetting kaytlyn !





SinfulMelody
SinfulMelody
18:07 Feb 13 2019

omg... take care hun





 

My truth and hiden things.

08:29 Feb 12 2019
Times Read: 549


This is my truth.

I'm very hyper sexual I'm poly. When I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). They stated I would lose all sexual desire. I'm even worse then I was before I stared. I've been in transition 1.5 years. When I returned to VR from being awol for years. I had already come out. I had to reintroduce myself to all my friends. I haven the bigest support I never thought I'd have here on VR. I'm very open with my sexuality I'm pansexual I'm poly. I love to love. There isn't anything that is normal. Normal is a word people made just so they could insult the rest of us rebels or those that walk another line other then the sheep standards.

My mother I got like all her genes lol Blue eyes only one in the family to have them. She was very open to us. Not sexually mind you more of a free spirit. Knock on her door she'd call out I'm in the tube. Trying not to look stupid modesty but curiousity got me. She didn't care. She had nothing to hide. Look it's ok to be open like this there's no shame in it. Just be who you are and I'll always love you. Up til my 20's this was always a thing cuz I would go to her for advice.

Little did she know I secretly tried on all her clothing that oddly fit me. I'd tuck my part between my legs and look in the mirror just to see what I'd look like as a woman. All the time. Makes more sense now then it did back then. I thought I was some kind of wierdo.

Enjoy life for life be who you are don't be afraid of it. Look at me I'm being a woman and I couldn't be happier of that. Yeah I have my mental issues that ar difficult for me to fight.
I'm an intervert I don't talk very much. I'd at least touch base with you if anything make sure you're doing well. Maybe a 8 hour phone conversation about what ever. I have two ldr's I talk to them daily checking up on them. Letting them know they are loved and cared about. They deserve that. I'm glad you eventually found someone.

The hardest part for me is being so far away from my ldr's that I can't be with them. I've only met a handful of men that treated me very well. I miss them most of them are now dust in the wind.
Sorry this turned out longer then I expected it to. You are not alone there are many of us “weirdo's” “non norms” “non compliant” to what people expect you to be.

I felt sharing this with you all

All my best

Kaytlyn


COMMENTS

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Brigid
Brigid
00:59 Feb 13 2019

And all you can do is be your best love





 

Rants

08:31 Feb 10 2019
Times Read: 593


Will you listen to me now. I don't talk much and now I have a lot to say. Take me fucking now.

I seriously need a break from all this madness. Just take me fucking already. Time and time again I fall so far down. No organization wants to help me. I can't get enough donations to get me to a better place. I've begging pleaded cried for help from these places. I'm sorry but you fall through the cracks. I'm sorry you have to live in another city in the same damn state to get our help. I'm sorry there's just not many resources. You're claim of discrimination denied. You're appeal denied. You're injectable denied. I'm sorry unless you make an income we can't help you. I'm sorry your overqualified for this. I'm sorry though you have an impressive resume we went in another direction. Time after time after time after time again and again and fucking again. Sorry sir, well you look like a man in drag. Sir sir SIR!!!! I'm a fucking her she woman it's fucking obvious. Oh and every single relationship I'm in FAILS OVER and FUCKING OVER again. l can't take this bs anymore. I'm tired of fighting and losing. Every single time. I'm tired of being called sir. I'm tied of having a part that only makes me feel incomplete. I realized I was a girl this whole time it just took me too long to come out and transition. My breast are too small. My Addams apple show's. My voice always sounds wrong. Take me now I can't do this shit anymore. I can't take the insults the hate the transphobia the transphobic remarks. The dysphoria. My mental state. I'm totally screwed up in my head and only my doctors believe me. I have flashbacks all the time of rape abuse torture that most don't even know about. It never stops it keeps repeating and repaying over and over and fucking over again. I really cannot do this. I need my surgery now but can I do it no. Oh then you got that guy in the White House trying and getting away with hate crimes discromnation and all the people that back this idiot. Seriously, wtf there's so much evidence and no one cares to do anything about it.
SO FUCKING TAKE ME ALREADY I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE I TRY AND GET REJECTED AND FAIL OVER AND OVER AND OVER.


COMMENTS

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hannahrose
hannahrose
09:55 Feb 10 2019


DEAREST SISTER, I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE HURTING SO MUCH AND FEELING SO AWFUL. I LOVE YOU AND ACCEPT YOU THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.I AM ALWAYS GONNA BE HERE FOR YOU. I AM PROUD TO CALL YOU MY SISTER AND FRIEND. I AM GLAD YOU ARE ALIVE AND MY LIFE IS BETTER BECAUSE YOU ARE PART OF MY LIFE. HUGS. XX




Tristesse
Tristesse
11:59 Feb 10 2019

I think you are a very brave woman. Admirable, as well. I can feel your pain... :( Please don't lose hope... *hugz*





XZenithX
XZenithX
15:37 Feb 10 2019

I'm sorry hun... you know I'd do anything in my power to help. I'll try to figure something else out.... -Nikki





LZAPERVERT
LZAPERVERT
17:48 Feb 10 2019

I say fuck the world and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Life sucks but it is forever in motion. If you fall, get up dust yourself off and keep moving forward. A long as you are moving forward, the bad shit will eventually fall by the wayside. I will roll you a blunt and throw ya some water if you ever need it during your marathon of life hun ;}





ChaosxAngel
ChaosxAngel
02:06 Feb 11 2019

Never lose hope...You're a awesome woman and this is just a really tough time you're going through. It looks really bad right now but the sun will shine again and you will have your day in the sunshine. Don't give up...Always remember that you are a strong woman.





DeathsScreech
DeathsScreech
02:24 Feb 11 2019

Ahh we all go through some shit I've dated allot of people through out my entire life as well and they never lasted the longest relationship i had was only 6 months because every time i figured out they where cheating on me again which made me ball and i usually don't ball or pull any shit and like i'm only 25 years old after that one relationship i was gonna give up on relationship because that's all everyone does now is usually lie 80% of the timing and its annoying





DeathsScreech
DeathsScreech
02:25 Feb 11 2019

all i want is someone faithful no lies nothing to hide and everything to share.
sometimes i broke up with people and sometimes they broke up with me .





 

venting ignore don't care

06:02 Feb 10 2019
Times Read: 597


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*falls down and cries*


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Sorry I was an Asshole to you

16:44 Feb 08 2019
Times Read: 617


That's all I can say.


COMMENTS

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Reintroduction

15:55 Feb 08 2019
Times Read: 631


Hello again, I'm Kaytlyn.

I'm a Poly Trans Woman 43 currently in Las Cruces New Mexico. I'm pansexual. I have two long distance partner one whom I briefly just talk to, and one I talk to on a regular basis. I'm an attention whore. I can be a slut depending on the person. I'm a very primal person. They say honesty is the best policy I had a partner that was supporting me they recently broke up with me. I was devastated.

Who am I:

Who am I? I'm a geek I'm a nerd I'm into a lot of kinks. I'm one of those if you got it flaunt it. I don't care about gender non binary what not I'm into humans no matter what you are or how you identify in the end it doesn't really matter we are all human. I love people for who they are not what their parts are or their kinks or what they choose to do with whom they choose. Your body your choice. I won't judge you. It's not my place to. I love netflix I love hulu I love anime I love video games. Sci Fi is my goto Genre. I love space and ancient or old ships. I like to build models. I'd like to be a model.

What is going on:

I have a few weeks to find a place to go. I have a lot of mental health issues. I am trying to get ssi / ssdi. I have a lot of doctor's appointments. Even an SSI interview coming up this month.

Anyone that may find me interesting enough to be help me out for a while maybe more who knows. I'm not sure exactly what kind of relationship I would like. I've been transitioning for 1 year and 5 months now. I live as a woman. I eventually plan on having the surgery. I'm basically pouring my heart out. I'm really not that great at these things.

I really didn't know where else to post this. I'm in serious trouble here and need help and support and I'm struggling to get by. I can cook and clean but I'm not allowed to work and the only source of income I have is Food stamps and Donations from my friends that are trying to help me get by. Sadly there aren't very many trans resources here. The shelters are a no go, because they would put me on the male side and I'd have to shower with the men and that's not exactly safe for me or live in a tent that has a zipper that anyone can get into. I have a lot of paranoia.

I have done nothing but struggle in life and tried to kill myself 3 times and been in a mental hospital 3 times. I'm begging for help here. Someone with a kind heart and open mind. I'm sorry if this was the wrong place to put this. I am into BDSM just look at my profile for that information.

Thank you for your time reading this,

Kaytlyn


COMMENTS

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Rant

00:00 Feb 07 2019
Times Read: 657


I have some limited time to find somewhere else to stay I'm at I no longer have any options I have no income whatsoever I have a bunch of mental health issues and I'm asking for your help I need a place to stay I need it as soon as possible.

I'm struggling, I'm falling apart my world around me is vanishing everything is my fault no matter what i say no matter what I do;

I feel so worthless I'm getting harassing texts and phone calls and I want it all to stop I can't handle all of this anymore. I'm one fucking person


COMMENTS

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NikkiAidyn
NikkiAidyn
00:04 Feb 07 2019

Is there anything I can do to help you hun?





Fizbop
Fizbop
03:55 Feb 07 2019

I really don't know





 

Warning Triggering content Unexpected Life Change with swear words and Rambling

20:03 Feb 06 2019
Times Read: 668


To the people that are my friends here.

It's 12:12 pm or 12:12 military time if you go by that I try to convert when possible for you all.

Anyways, here is what's going on. Yesterday my partner of almost one year has said we need a break. (what the hell does a break mean) I ask them because they prefer they/them pronouns. The break was called because they thought I had been rude to the people that were trying to help me get housing because I really now need to find another place to be. I am hurt and feeling lost right now. I'm really fucking pissed off at them right now see second ***'s

***


I feel I have to say this. To those I've ever hurt I am truly sorry that I've hurt you. Obviously I have a lot to work on with myself. I'm sorry it cost us our friendship which I valued. I am trying to make amends for that. Whether you accept that or not at least I have stated that I'm very very sorry for my actions.

***


So I called the people at the place we had gone to for housing. Talked to the person that we had talked to. They said I wasn't rude at all. They completely understood where I was coming from. I can't wait to tell my partner if they even are still that they were wrong they didn't think I was rude at all. In fact they thought despite what I had gone through that I was a delightful woman.

***


I've been transitioning for 1 year and now 5 months. I'm starting to finally see it in my face. I may have said this before and I'm sorry I can't keep track of everything I say. I'm starting to see how sexy of a woman I am. The truth about me is that I'm a polyamourous person. I have trouble with single relationships because my heart desires more. I once hooked up with 12 guys yeah that actually happened. I've watched people I fucking loved to death die. I've had family and loved ones rape abuse manipulate etc etc etc. I'm shocked I can even be a very sexual person as I am by everything I've been through and have the kinks I do. I have an account for that stuff.

Anyways, I'm in fucking deep trouble I need help more then anyone can imagine I'm struggling very much. I can't continue to do this alone. One way or another I end up alone. I've tried and failed to find other partners to love me and hold on to me. In the end I'm too mental for them to handle. I don't want anyone's pity. I just need help beyond what I'm capable of doing. My family can not help. I have very few real life friends that can help here where I live.

My partner suggested that I lie and get into the hospital again. So that I could lie about wanting to kill myself. Which I just can't do I can't make up a lie like that and get away with it. Especially with all the medications I'm on. At times I do want to but I call the suicide hotline and almost always feel better well at least to function without wanting to kill myself. I always want to self harm myself just to feel something because it's hard for me to let go of my emotions mainly cuz I don't know what to do with them.

Anyways I checked on this just to be sure that I was right about something and I was. If the hospital here is full they will send me to Albuquerque and to their hospital which I heard was a lot worse then the one here from a trusted friend. Also when I get discharged I would then be living in Albuquerque because I have no real home here in Las Cruces new Mexico. With out actually having a residence here. I really don't have a residence here I have a person letting me stay here for the time being but that isn't going to last fucking forever.

***


Despite what I've been through with sexual rape and abuse and such, I'm a primal person and love to be rough and such I won't get into details about that. The HRT Hormone Replacement Therapy was supposed to lessen my drive. It's only screaming out for more and more and more. It's driving me fucking nuts that I want a lot of sex. I don't even know why. Though I can fathom it's just to feel that 5 second amount of pure pleasure that I get from it that I get no where else. I want that all the time.

I probably said waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much here This journal maybe erased who knows.

Now you know more about me then you ever wanted to sorry i did warn you there were going to be triggers

All my best to you Kaytlyn

COMMENTS

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EmberMoon
EmberMoon
21:34 Feb 06 2019

Good Morning Kaytlyn,

Sounds like you have had a whole lot of trauma, along with hardships in your life. I'm so glad your starting to see yourself, you are truly a beautiful woman inside and out. Your words are raw, emotional and honest, never be sorry for expressing your innermost wants, needs, and desires, hun. Big Hug





 

I hate my mental health

19:27 Feb 02 2019
Times Read: 698


I'm having Major Flashbacks. I am having Major PTSD DayMares poor judgement intrusive memories survivor guild lack of feelings poor concentration hopelessness poor self esteem negative self image isolation. avoidance excessive blame dissociation Hyper-vigilance irritability anger and rage and self destructive thoughts these are real these are my feelings


COMMENTS

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EmberMoon
EmberMoon
20:46 Feb 02 2019

Except your feeling, don't let them control your life. Realizing you have these feelings is a good thing, connect with them then understand that these are emotions, not the person. Mental health issues are a symptom of some kind of event or events in one's past, which could control one's life in many disabling ways. The first thing to do is learn is your past does not define your existence, nor are you are your past. Live in the present, find love in the person you are today.








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