No is a complete answer, I say to myself, over and over. I come from a family of people pleasers, though I've made a spectacle of myself among them by not giving in to the need to please as often as what might make me... Well, a pleasing person. lol
Still, customers can stress me out when they won't take no for an answer.
Me: Unfortunately I am unable to ship to that location.
Them: But other shops do it.
Me: Ok. They're set up to ship to that location, I'm not, so I won't be able to ship there.
Them: Can't you do something?
Them: Please, please just do it for me.
Me: Sorry, but no.
Them: *keeps pushing so I quietly move them to the spam folder and go on with my life*
The thing that tripped me up when getting advice from others about boundaries is that while "no" is a complete answer, plenty of people refuse to take no as an answer and think that it's an invitation to negotiate or figure out a "solution" that leads to them getting a Yes instead.
Learning to sit with the discomfort of feeling like I may have disappointed someone has been one of the greatest breakthroughs in my mid 30s journey. No projection, no ranting, just sit with that discomfort and remind myself that the other person is likely excited about something they want and hasn't set out to ruin my afternoon by being persistent.
Another thing that has vastly improved my business is doing away with the so-called teachings given when I first entered the world of running a business, which centered around never telling the customer no. "Always say yes and find a way to make it happen."
No. I put down policies and boundaries so that I can make solid products of artwork for my clients. After standing at the helm of this project for 5+ years, I realize that trying to grab up any client and make any kind of money quickly disrupts my reliable stream of sales and profit. The concept of never saying no and taking on everything is utter horseshit and not at all ironic when I consider the source that "wisdom" came from. Some people never want to be told no and certainly have no use for your boundaries, so if someone starts hacking away at them like that, take note.
In my experience, boundaries and disappointing someone led to fights, being ostracized from the family unit, or ignored by my partner until I learn to bring myself back in line and go back to being pleasing... But now, just yesterday I was not in the mood to be touched (sweaty, distracted, in the middle of doing something) and so I asked my husband to please stop. Do you know what he did? He stopped. He gave me a loving pat on my side and left me alone, then later on when I was cooled off he came and gave me another hug, which I happily embraced.
It's amazing to learn that saying no is not the end of something. It's amazing to be around people who understand boundaries and don't take it as an insult or a rejection. I think I most of all needed to understand boundaries and saying no and the discomfort it causes me so that I can sit with that discomfort and not pass it on with rudeness (toward customers) or snapping (at my husband).
I, too, have to remind myself as well that "no" is an acceptable answer. Sometimes the "hardwiring" of my youth comes forward and I feel horrendously horrible for saying no, but stepping back and looking at why no was needed, I find comfort in knowing I am allowed not to over stimulate or exhaust myself to please another when it isn't conductive to my own health and wellbeing. There are times when I forget my own boundaries are just as important as other people's boundaries, and being reminded of that, it seems to be a but easier to do. I am slowly coming to terms with the discomfort of it, but that discomfort outweighs the exhaustion and stress of always bending to other people's needs and wants.
With age is coming wisdom, and with that wisdom, some peace is being found. :)
Late last night as we were winding down and getting to bed, my husband turned to me and said "Holy shit, tomorrow is our anniversary." We started laughing as neither of us had put any thought into it with everything that's been going on. He felt bad because he didn't get me anything, well I told him that I'm in the same boat because I didn't get him anything either.
I think we'll call it a wash lol
This afternoon we're going out for lunch to our favorite restaurant and tomorrow we leave for a three day camping trip in the forest. I think that's perfect.
Happy anniversary you two. Always next year. :)
Awwww Happy Anniversary! I say that a day where you get to be together and enjoy the simplicity of that alone time is a win!
Happy Anniversary to you both and sounds like a great way to enjoy being together!
It's really wonderful to have so many fellow animal lovers in my circle of family and friends. People just get it, they know that losing an animal companion is very real pain. Even my Mother in Law, she talks about her dog like they're roommates lol. There's always drama because someone slept in too long or something, but she's so sweet with that pup. It's good to be surrounded by those sort of folks.
We got a good amount of rain today. I'm so glad for the garden, but I think we need to put the squash up on mini scaffolding or something to keep them out of the wet grass. They're starting to get... Pruny.
Places, even intangible ones, make impressions on me just as much as people do. I don't think I'm unique in that way. A few years back, when I stopped logging on here, I was in a bit of a bad way when it comes to mental health. Truth be told I don't think the reason for my headspace can be distilled down to one issue. It felt like a laundry list of issues queued up and weren't letting me go anywhere until I had dealt with them.
I deal with that shit alone, which by the way, is highly maladaptive. Don't be proud of isolation, it's fine to like your alone time but damn it's important to come out of those dark rooms and talk to people. But, at the time, I stepped (far) back from Vampire Rave as I do people in general. I really didn't want to share any part of myself while I was feeling the way I felt, it was just getting worse every day.
It probably would have taken me less time if I had started with my issue of communicating with others, but I think I was thrown off course by the fact that people can be very difficult to communicate with.
Communication, it should be easy enough. We're told that it's key. What I didn't understand until the last few years is that it's easy enough, but results will vary. All of my communication skills don't mean anything when the other person is bogged down by ego and too defensive to open up in return. All I can ever really hope for is clarity. Clarity of that person's experience, of their perspective, and their needs.
The really annoying term for all of that is "Radical Acceptance" but if a term had a face, I think Radical Acceptance would have a very punchable one.
Oh yeah, anger issues.
Turns out as angry as I have been, there's even MORE anger in there! Anger that has been locked away after years of conditioning to be afraid of it, to keep it secret and keep those I'm angry with from ever ever feeling the slightest bit bad about themselves.
Suffice it to say that everything is out in the open with my family and our dysfunction. Nothing is really fixed, but fixed implies that everyone is broken or in an unacceptable state and they're not. I truly think that it boils down to us having wildly different personalities and I mean wildly. It took me to my mid 30s to realize just how in opposition I am with my own mother, in attitude, perception of life, decision making, and the types of boundaries we have. Misunderstandings, especially chronic ones, can breed contempt and boy did they ever do that in this family.
Besides trying to get my shit together, I've been running my business which is still doing good. I'm glad that I stepped away for some crucial years of this business and really gave it my focus, I think that's really helped me be clear headed about what works and what doesn't. Now it feels like we (husband and I) have a better grasp on the ins and outs of doing this and still living our lives.
My husband has been gardening for years now and this past year we added even more raised beds, I'll be posting some pictures and journaling about that topic soon. We've also been embarking on lots of camping trips since last year when we bought a class C camper. We even took it to Wisconsin which was quite an adventure. Driving a Class C through Chicago construction? If our marriage can survive the stress of that, we're golden lol.
Pai and Bria are still doing great. Pai is 16 now and has slowed down considerably. He lost his eyesight but after a few months of adjusting, he's comfortable in a daily routine and gets his exercise by scent hunting for treats every night. Every night he walks and searches for treats from 8 -11 pm. Not bad for an old man. Running my own business and thus working from home has been such a blessing, especially so I can spend that much more time with the dogs.
I think that's about it for life updates. I've been typing this out and sipping coffee but now I want to get back to dry brushing some things.
Anyone have their own stories to share?
Your face, I miss seeing it here. 💜
My face has returned! LOL I missed seeing you here too Moonie :)
Long time no see.
Yeah! The Otter is here again. :)
YES! It's great to see you back!
!!!!! OTTER !!!!!!