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11 entries this month
20:20 Sep 30 2024
Times Read: 70
You know it's funny, and I'm not sure yet whether it is funny-haha or funny-unsettling, on how easy it is to readjust. Maybe over time we get so used to doing it, it just becomes second nature. Kind of like how a duck, not my Ducky lol, can move effortlessly from land to water. They just DO. Maybe it has something to do with that whole nature vs. nurture or society vs self.
Perhaps a little bit of both.
Is it a blessing? Is it a curse? I... don't know. Part of me is saying Yes! Yes! Yes! It's always been that easy. So, it's fine. The other part is screaming, No, it's not fine. So Why?!
I can't help but chuckle though. Because really, it's just another day.
-shrug-
21:36 Sep 27 2024
Times Read: 145
Well, today was a wasted whore red lipstick day. Ugh.
20:37 Sep 26 2024
Times Read: 171
My friend, who is also my cleaning lady.. lol..
Came today and said look at these aren't they pretty! I agreed with her.. and she said.. I bought them for you. I was just like.. ohh -teary eyed-
People come into your life when you need it. I am so glad I've begun to open myself to receive moments like this. I have some pretty great people in my life.
lol Excuse the no makeup and crazy hair.
17:39 Sep 24 2024
Times Read: 242
Self love is fickle. You can learn to love the person you are. When I think of myself of who I am.. I love that person. I love that humor, caring, those parts that make me who I am. But when I look in the mirror, stare at myself.. that's where I have trouble with self love. My body has changed a lot over the years. From surgeries to complications to depression and the results. The back and forth of life.
The mirror is where I have the trouble of seeing self worth, self love. I look in that mirror and I question who would want this? Who would understand this? Why would they want to? It's those intrusive thoughts that are constantly there- spinning, lurking, questioning, making us doubt. I think that is why I have been closed off for so long.
The only one who had ever really been able to reach me in that way over the years, has been my Ducky. She has quelled some of those thoughts and feelings I have about myself. We've been together for 17 years. Funny, it wasn't even realized until we actually thought about it. I guess, Surprise! It's never been a jokey thing. Lol We've never needed validation or to pin each other down with what we have. It's love in it's purest form.
It's scary to have someone love all the parts of you.- and I do mean all the parts. From every lighted corner to every deep dark shadow. To feel as though you don't deserve it. To keep questioning it. It is so fucking scary.
That is how I love. From my heart. From my soul. With passion. With fire. With all of me. It's one thing to love like that, it's another thing to be able to accept that kind of love and feel like you deserve it.
I am a self rescuing princess. I don't need someone to storm the castle and save me. But it is so, so nice to have someone waiting outside that castle to gather you up and just... love you.
15:30 Sep 18 2024
Times Read: 339
I open my eyes and I feel so alive. I forgotten what that felt like. What this feels like. I had forgotten that there are those that can shake you to your core in the best possible way. That you want them to shake you to your core because it is magnificent. It doesn't matter the years that have come and gone, nor the least- they can make you quake with a ferocity that is unfathomable.
At one time I would have felt unworthy of this feeling- of them. That I did not deserve this joy, this happiness, this feeling of unbridled euphoria.
This... love. And luvs. 😉
I grow. I bloom. I flourish.
21:55 Sep 13 2024
Times Read: 403
I am so restless today. But then again I feel like I'm in a fog.
My dreams are so odd. Just weird and bounce back and forth from being in them to being a watcher. It makes me feel like I didn't sleep, though I know I did.
02:45 Sep 13 2024
Times Read: 470
I put this as a response in Vodka Lovie's journal. I just wanted to keep it in mine just to have.
I believe change is possible for anyone if they want to put the work into doing so. Along with change comes a newness. A newness of thought, self belief, different ideals, etc. Some people do not find comfort in that. Whether it be those that surround them, or themselves. With venturing into change, or a 'newness', it can be the start of letting go. Letting go of old habits, old thoughts, old feelings and even old friendships. They would rather stay in that comfortable place and keep repeating the pattern.
It's like if you were to keep a rose bush covered by a glass dome. It would stifle itself. It wouldn't be allow to grow, the dead petals wouldn't be able to either be plucked from the vine or nurture the soil. They would just hang heavy in their death, injuring what could be new and beautiful. It would become toxic to itself- slowly losing the fullness of life.
Removing that dome, that's change. To watch the bush bloom and grow. To watch each petal raise up to the sky and drink in the newness of the day. To smell their scent on the breeze. To watch them become stronger, more resilient, creating so much. They will grow with other plants that surround them. They will all change each other and the plants that cannot handle that change will wither and fade.
A person has to WANT to change. To remove that glass dome and let themselves flourish. Too many times I have seen someone disappear, or at times even emerge from some form of hibernation, and then come back claiming that they have changed. Only to find out that they didn't. They will keep on being who they were before in private and then use the 'new' face in public to rewrite them into a more favorable light. In the end, the realness of the change always let's itself be known. They have a choice in changing. We have a choice in embracing the journey and not letting those who choose to turn away from change, turn into our own personal albatross. .
Some of us want to encourage those we admire and cherish to be fruitful in their change; if that's the decision they've decided to make. Often times we will change along with them. Even if that change includes drifting apart, we still support them and watch them grow. Because that's the beauty of change. We grow. We Evolve. We Live. We Rise.
22:58 Sep 12 2024
Times Read: 507
Ohhhh, if you only knew...
Well, to an extent I'm sure. Especially now. Probably not the before, but now, yeah I can see it.
Subtlety has never really been a thing. Now it's basically out the window. This.. this version.. this evolving.. *chef's kiss*.
I'd be number one on the waiting list. -nod-
02:35 Sep 11 2024
Times Read: 574
When a form of clarity comes out of the blue, it tends to throw me into a certain headspace. I retreat within myself for a few days. I then brood until I can no longer handle it. Then I pass it to the wifey and go "what do you think?" and she's 99.9 percent right most of the time. I can't give her that one percent. I need to keep her non existent ego in check. hah
I need to expand my horizons and be more...open... to the possibility of connections. I need to stop limiting myself to a certain distance and expand out further. I have did that a few times here. Both rather turned out to be... harrowing and less than joyful, but I need to stop letting those define the possibilities. Thinking I need to stick to a certain distance has done nothing in the long run. I need substance. I need something deeper. I need a person who can stimulate my mind. Honestly, I don't feel that I am going to find that if I keep within the parameters that I have been keeping. Let me rephrase that.. I *have* found someone that fills that spot, but polygamy is illegal. And for some reason I cannot fathom, she is staying within the molten hot lands of the South. Not Hell, but close enough. heh. Anyways, I digress.
I am going to open myself up to the possibility of distance- not slap it right down. I can't let a few bad situations color what could possibly be a wonderful adventure for me. Plus, I'm not that naive girl I once was. I feel like I have grown more into knowing myself and what I will and will not tolerate. I will take notice of the red flags and not disregard them like I did.
Live and learn.
I've got the wifey locked down. Now let's see if I can strap down.. er.. I mean.... come across someone to fill the other side of the coin. lol
21:50 Sep 10 2024
Times Read: 608
44 and I'm still learning new things about myself each day. I never thought that would be the case.
Hold on. Hold on tight.
19:57 Sep 09 2024
Times Read: 677
I mask. I have always masked. That's not to say what is seen most of the time in a public view isn't me, but it is only a fraction of me. It is the surface of me. The me that I allow the world to see. The full me is tucked away. Behind a door that sometimes even I forget is there. In my mind it's reminiscent of The Secret Garden. The walls are filled with ivy, hiding the entrance; a wild beauty that cannot be penetrated by the naked eye. To look at the walls makes one wonder what is beyond the depths. What magic is contained within the walls that cannot be release, but instead must be protected at all cost.
Very rarely does a key make it into the hands of another. The hands that do hold a key have did so for so very, very long. When the lock is opened by that key, it is welcomed with a sigh of comfort and release. Knowing that the holder of that key cherishes it with the fiber of their being. They know the trails of the garden, the flowers and the walk ways. They revel in the garden within the depths of me. We embrace so much together in that sacred space.
I forgotten what it was like when a key drops into the hands of someone new. When without realizing the door has cracked and allowed some of the magic within that garden to seep out and be viewed without the protective walls.
To let someone that has never been within the walls before see what is held inside. To let a new presence roam within the many hidden spaces and trails. To let them gently dance their finger tips along the vulnerable flowers and share the same breath. To have the flora and the fauna laid bared.
To be layed bared. To feel as though you have shed your skin and allowed another to see. To feel as though this is the first real breath you have taken in so, so long.
You've forgotten what that feels like. You've kept it closed for so long out of fear, protectiveness for the garden and uncertainty.
You've forgotten how exhilarating and freeing it is. How magical the moment of connection can be. How it can transcend beyond so much.
I remember now. I remember what I had forgotten. It seems as though not only was the key able to let another travel into the deepness for their own journey, but also to allow another path to grow and flourish. A path that I have forgotten. A path that is daunting, exciting and new.
I breath.
I feel free.
All because of a shared moment.
Cherished moment.
Treasured moment.
A moment that was not expected, but allowed to blossom with trust, caring, vulnerability and a shedding of masks.
I remember. My heart remembers.
My new journey is unfolding.
Keep the key. Hold onto it. The garden will always welcome you. Because you've helped grow.
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COMMENTS
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STABB666
20:55 Sep 30 2024
Take the blessings, laugh at the funny haha and live each day as they come, because they are all just another day.
MooniePie
21:12 Sep 30 2024
It is what it is.
Nekirena
02:48 Oct 01 2024
I beg your finest pardon?
I may not be graceful but I sure as hell sashay my way around the pond. 🤨
Annnyyyboooo…
We will take what may come, as it comes, and I’ll be there whichever way life curves.
Love you!
MooniePie
03:00 Oct 01 2024
Baby, you know that's one of the many reasons why I love you. Because you are about as graceful as a buffalo in a china shop. LMAO 😘
Yes we will, baby. Yes, we will. Love you!