...no matter how bad your game usually is, it's those occassional awesome shots... they keep you playing the game again, and again...
...crazy metaphor I know.. but for me, it works.
In times like these, the profound escapes, and the profane takes over...
But sometimes we are driven to our most basic level. Sometimes it is too much.
All of it. Just too much.
It is something I have to continue pondering...
...I have time, don't I?
...remember that time we went sledding with friends... on that hill by the old railroad bridge?
You wanted to try my sleding tube... it was fast. You insisted on sitting. I told you laying down would give you more control, but you insisted on sitting.
You needed a push to get going down the hill... I slid you to the crest of the hill... you started on your way. The hill was steep, your descent was fast. You were out of control... but you hung on to the tube like it was the only thing that could save you... you didn't abandon it and you didn't bail...
...you hit the break at the bottom... a big mound of snow we built up to keep the sledders from sliding out into the road, and traffic... but you hit it backwards, flipped and landed on the back of your head.
You were mad. You blammed me. I pushed you too hard.. I sent you out of control.
But... you didn't listen to me. You insisted you were right. You didn't take control of your journey, instead you pointed a finger when it didn't turn out the way you wanted.
Do you see? Do you get it?
A small push... small. Tiny. Just enough to send you in a direction and you let it send you out of control. Then you have to find someone else to blame for it.
You always have to be right... and when you're wrong it has to be because of someone else.
I'm tired of reliving my mistakes. I'm tired of hearing how it's always someone else... at some point you have to step back, look at your life... your attitudes.. your behavior... and ask... is this right? Is this the best way to respond?
Am I taking control of my life?
And until you've asked that... there can't be an us.
I've been waiting for you... long enough.
This week.. has sucked.
I made a new friend. Heh. Cool guy, from Omaha... we drank a lot together. We talked about life a lot together. It was good.
But it got thoughts rolling too.
Too many thoughts.
Too many drinks and too many thoughts....
...what can I do?
I don't know. I guess I never have. That's a horrible realization.
So ends another visit to Louisville, Kentucky.
Although in ending this trip, I feel a sense of disappointment. I accomplished my goals to my satisfaction. Nothing tragic happened. But somehow I anticipated this trip would be… different. More special? It was just another trip, and that was fully expected. Fly in, do the job, fly home… yet that feeling that something was lost is there.
Or maybe not lost, but simply not gained.
I would expect of myself by now that I know how my life is. Things happen or don’t happen. What was I anticipating? There was nothing there and nothing happened.
Why, at this point in my life, do I still feel disappointed when nothing happens?
Part of my realizations in recent years have included this fact: I know nothing will happen unless I make it happen. Nothing risked, nothing gained. Disappointment from other people is a way of life, so why let it get me down? I haven’t allowed that. I’ve accepted this as just the way my life is.
So why this feeling now?
If you’ve read the crap I post here that I attempt to pass off as poetry, you know a basic theme is just what I have stated above. Life is what you make of it. If you want something, sitting in your room wallowing online to anonymous strangers isn’t going to help you fulfill your dreams.
Unless your dream is to be a whinny, obese hermit with internet access.
My dreams are different. Usually, a bit more ambitious. And what I want out of life has changed over the years. I remember a sixth grade project I did on what I wanted my career path to be. We had to research it, what it would take, the education required, job skills needed. My chosen profession… I know this is going to be a shock… but my chosen profession then was to be a pilot. I was going to go to college and join the Navy and become an officer and fly F-14’s, serve my country, do my duty, then move into the private sector and fly 747’s around the world.
I think that started to dissolve as I got older and realized the way the military actually worked, and the fact that I have issues with authority, question everything and am horrible at taking orders not backed by logic.
So as I got older I looked in different directions. Technology was the way to go. I started doing application programming in school.
Actually I started doing programming in fourth grade before the whole pilot fascination took over…
But through high school I took advanced computer courses. Optional and not as popular in 1986 as they are today. My professor entered me and two classmates into a state-wide competition (Running of the Nerds, I called it) for analytical programming. I believe we placed in 2nd.
My goal was to learn, and get a good job with a company like Hewlett-Packard. Build a career, settle into life, make good money, etc..etc..
I got into college and discovered one of the requisites for a Computer Science degree was to maintain a 3.5 or better in core courses… including.. calculus.
My first calculus class showed me this wasn’t going to happen. On my first exam, I scored a 12.
Out of 100.
The curve, it didn’t even bring me up to an F-minus.
I was undeterred, and discovered psychology.
I loved it. Helping people. I was going to make the world a better place one frazzled brain at a time. One affected personality at a time. One straight jacketed psychopath at a time…
…but you kind of need a PhD to go anywhere with psychology, unless you want to be a social worker slogging in paperwork every day making just above minimum wage. Well, I hated school and… and… uh..
...randomness time. The woman sitting across the isle from me on the plane used to be a man. Maybe she..or.. he.. still is. But, wow.. man hands and an adam’s apple Clint Eastwood would be jealous of… why is this so distracting?
Anyway, I took my psychology degree and remained in my crappy, minimum wage customer service job until an opportunity presented itself. An opportunity, in technology. Doing sales for a national technology distributor. It was the mid-90s and technology was booming. The company was hiring people, 15 per month, just to staff their sales force to handle the volume.
A good job, but man let me tell you, it was not fulfilling.
I wanted to impact the world, not talk on the phone 10 hours a day.
I wanted to change my community, not wear out a mouse pad every month.
I wanted make a difference, not chase numbers.
I started my own business. Well, there were some big steps here and there in between but to cut to the chase, I started my own business.
And it has been doing well. For six years I have grown my business. Now part of it has me on airplanes traveling the world… funny how that comes full circle.
But this is more than just a business to me. It is my chance to impact the world. My chance to change my community.
My chance to make a difference.
Everyone has their motives and their motion. Joli has her charitable organization helping the underprivileged in New Orleans – that’s awesome! She loves what she does and I have done what little I can to support her. Many people on VR have.
I want to make a difference, just like she does.
The paths are different, but the end goal I believe is very much the same.
My employees often seem genuinely appreciative of the jobs they have. My techs have commented they’ve never made as much money as they’re making now. Morri works for me and I feel so much pride and happiness when she comments that she enjoys her job, and feels she is learning new things and feels a commitment towards the same company goals I have.
That is one of the main purposes of this company: to put people to work in better jobs, in a better environment. A different corporate environment. One that gives them freedom and autonomy over their jobs. One that pays them better, offers better benefits, flexibility, more time with family and more satisfaction in life in general.
I want to grow the business, at a bare minimum to leave something strong behind for my children. Something they can take charge of as they get older and build a livelihood from. Something they can retire from and support their children with.
I’m trying to make a difference. In an old steel-city that has seen it’s economy play the wallowing hermit, complaining to the anonymous people around it and unable to help itself… my goal is to be the company that makes a difference here. To help the people and the community pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and change their future.
As Abraham Lincoln once said, “The nice thing about the future is it only comes at you a day at a time.”
I take this a day at a time.
My whole life right now, I can only take a day at a time.
After all, how can I change an entire city if I can't even change myself each day? How can improve the fortune of others if I can't even change the direction of my own life?
Some people… people very close to me… I’ve confided in them my dreams and you know what their response was?
“One person can’t make a difference.”
It’s overly ambitious, right?
If I fail, I’ll let them say “I told you so.”
But you don’t know if you can succeed unless you try. What is the worst that can happen? I fail and end up as one of the wallowing, anonymous hermits; faceless and forgotten?
Exactly where I would be if I didn’t try at all…
Hence my quote on my profile… don’t just do as you’re told. Try to do the impossible.
Why live an ordinary life? You get one shot at this thing – one life. One opportunity. I can’t face a life where society dictates what I can and can’t do. Social norms and religious dogma feel like prison bars only designed to keep people from reaching their potential.
From getting the most out of life.
I want more than that.
I want to live… and create… hope. Create it in my own… particular…
Maybe that is what I was missing from this trip. The feeling that I have created hope. If not for those around me, but at least for myself. Maybe I failed in doing that this week.
I won’t know for sure, but I know tomorrow when I wake up the future will grant me another day for me to try and do the impossible.
You aren't a inspirational speaker by any chance are you? ;) Good piece!
"I have issues with authority, question everything and am horrible at taking orders not backed by logic."-----------That is so me too. I can't stress that enough. Lordy.
I understand how you feel about a few things. I wanted to help people out too. I have, my whole life, being their cheerleader, their therapist, their guiding light in the dark. It takes it's toll if you don't get far back enough from it. But I know that I have made a difference in lives, if not small ones in some, and that is great. We all impact others lives, and don't even know it sometimes. It's like a stone thrown in a lake, and watching the ripples. We are the stone, and the ripples are what goes on in others and yet more others after we walk away.
PS--- "Life's what you make it" - Talk Talk
Thank you for voicing this for in it you have hit on things that are true for many of us but we each wallow in our own silence thinking ourselves alone in our dreams.
This is incredible. You are an inspiration.
Wow...you are one of a kind.
I' kind of speachless....But you are an inspiration.
The chat box.. often leaves me... perplexed.
Where did these people go to school? And if it was in America, their English teachers should be flogged.
But like I told Morri... it's like watching a train wreck, knowing there are 3 other trains traveling the same track and no way to stop...
How can you look away?
I think the english teachers try their hardest... But I'm sure teaching them is like being IN the vamp box in real life. Imagine that!
This is true... so their parents should also be flogged.
They have this thing now, no child left behind. They don't want the kids again next year, lol. So their "program" is to pass all the kids no matter how stupid they are.
I thought the real title of it was, "No Child Gets Ahead?"
They just keep everyone at the same level.. hold the smart ones back and push the uninterested ones forward....
sterilization is the key..we should do it soon before the world is over-populated by morons..oh wait, too late. shit!
Not a lot of time to write today - it's just been a while since I've thrown some of my random thoughts down in here...
...and, well, not much has been happening lately. New Orleans rocked. Business is business and life is life.
Off for my last visit to Louisville KY this afternoon... at least it will be my last for a while.
Another trip to Alaska in the near future. WOOO! Looking forward to it!
...I have this cashew that looks like a butt.
Hmmm... wonder if I could say it looks like Jesus's butt and sell it on Ebay...
There's a buyer for everything, all you need is the right story and the right storyteller. We can make this happen!
Come and get your...
How wonderfully irreverent.
butt nut. lmfao
..yeah... I wish I had all the answers tonight....
...gawd, I hate repeating myself...
Well what the fuck
You're enough just being you. :)
Yeah I hate repeating myself too
Yeah I hate repeating myself too
*runs and hides*
Know you are loved and there are lots of us who expect nothing of you other than to be yourself. *big hugs*
Wikipedia. If the answer isn't already there, you can add it yourself and point everyone else there.
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