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I'm not very public about my emotions. Like many people, I keep a lot of my feelings private. Sometimes I do that out of respect for others, but almost always out of respect for myself. I don't want to publicly hurt people that I care about...not even in the journal that I love and have loved for so long.



I am as tempted as anyone else to retaliate when I find pokes at my character and the reasons behind choices that I make. I found such things today in a journal here on VR. I'm hurt and deeply disappointed, but I do not feel the shame or guilt that my very dearest friend tried for. The motives assigned to me do not exist in my heart.



I was assessed, cartooned and lampooned. Years of my life were assessed by a person I shared my deepest feelings with. Because my feelings have changed over time and I feel friendship rather than romantic interest, this friend feels justified in wallowing publicly and villifying me. I understand the hurt. I want to be understanding, but the pushing is making me want to run as far away as fast as I can.



When I hurt, even when I am heart broken, that does not ever justify bad behavior. My hurt belongs to me...as yours belongs to you. I can offer friendship and care, but I really cannot carry your insecurities, expectations, or wants. I can be honest, but I cannot tell you what you want to hear if it isn't so.



Carry on if you must, but far from shopping, I feel inclined to just live my life the best I can. If you find fault with me and my choices, I'm sorry for that...are you so perfect that you need to try to shame me?



"You see a lot, Doctor. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? What about it? Why don't you - why don't you look at yourself and write down what you see? Or maybe you're afraid to."

COMMENTS

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chrysanthemia
21:17 Apr 19 2009

You handle things so well. You're amazing. i idolize your ability to do so, and i just wish i could be like that. . . . It takes practice, i'd imagine.



If this comment is unwelcome, feel free to delete it. i just thought i'd express my admiration for someone so strong.

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imagesinwords
21:30 Apr 19 2009

:(

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Ockham
23:02 Apr 19 2009

:( *hugs*

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FallenPixie
23:03 Apr 19 2009

I cannot fathom a reason why someone closest to you would/could do such a thing...to try to hurt you, on purpose. Though you are strong enough (and high above it) to get past this, it's still a betrayal beyond the comprehension of words or clear thoughts.



Forgive me, but I quite honestly do seek retaliation. I have a strong feeling Kharma is going to get to this person...10 fold with any luck; I hope it does.



On a brighter note, I'm sure if that person is/has read this entry of yours.... it's satisfying to know they didn't get the 'rise' or response they obviously so desperately wanted. But that's who you are; or what I have come to know of you... always the better soul

*warm and hopefully comforting smiles*

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Vampirewitch39
23:43 Apr 19 2009

Southern to the bone.. you are. *hugs*

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LadyChordewa
01:19 Apr 20 2009

Common problem when you have online friends. That they develop feelings that you don't return. You have to be true to yourself hon and as always, you are dealing with this, with grace and Southern charm. *hugs*

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Vespers
01:35 Apr 24 2009

You are a person with such grace.. I admire you.

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Theban
21:16 Jun 03 2009

I know that my human nature works in the way that when I hurt every one else has to hurt.



There are exceptions...for me...but not for everyone! I wish you and the other person well, with this issue.

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