Angelus's Vampire Journal

Angelus's Journal

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6 entries this month

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**Giggles**
11:06 Sep 21 2011
Times Read: 743

Wine taster

At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".

Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine..

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

COMMENTS

**Giggles**
23:07 Sep 20 2011
Times Read: 745

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss?

I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!

COMMENTS

**Giggles**
13:27 Sep 20 2011
Times Read: 747

Angus Broon of Glasgow , Scotland , comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."

COMMENTS

**Giggles**
16:20 Sep 11 2011
Times Read: 771

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.

BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS:

"BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".

BILLY SAYS:

"I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. "

MOTHER SAYS:

"OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.

BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

...

...

...

BILLY SAYS:

"IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

COMMENTS

Oceanne
16:32 Sep 11 2011

Kids say the darndest things! rotflmao!!

ladySnowStrixx
17:45 Sep 11 2011

uh.............wow...... uh ok lmao!! poor kid , now wonder where he saw that at?

Requiem
17:59 Sep 11 2011

o.O hah! Gotta love reasoning abilities and the odd ways they play out, eh?

DestroyingAngel
22:31 Sep 15 2011

LOL

**Giggles**
00:39 Sep 10 2011
Times Read: 777

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words

COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is :

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are

"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

COMMENTS

**GUFFAW**
16:08 Sep 08 2011
Times Read: 789

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons, who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the

attention of your local MP.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.