EstrangedOne's Journal


Honor: 80    [ Give / Take ]


26 entries this month

Goddamn Modern Day Electronics....

21:52 Jul 31 2023
Times Read: 168

Go figure, I just found out a little bit ago, that I missed not just one, but TWO calls for potential jobs, because my phone never even seemed to ring. Now, I know, with this weather we've been having, we have also been having some solar flares, here and there... but This shit is ridiculous. And I don't know if it's because of the solar flares, my phone being on the fritz again, or if it's the effect I have on everything electronic I touch. But this is annoying beyond definition.

The most messed up part of it is that I didn't even have any music going, and I have had to make a habit of keeping my phone about as close as possible, just in case I get such an "important" call. Gotta bloody love the contradiction in that.
And people seem to wonder why I remain so serious, when I tell them "when I say I've lost my mind, I'm not even joking".



23:49 Jul 31 2023

Hope the job offers still work out.

01:14 Aug 01 2023

Believe you me, I'm pushing for it.


Kind of Had to Delete...

10:49 Jul 31 2023
Times Read: 178

The last journal entry, I kind of had to delete, since I just had to do TAKE TWO on the video accompanying it.
Somehow, the video got corrupted (Yet Again), right after the upload finished. So, now, I am waiting for the new upload to finish, since I don't keep any of these videos on my phone or computer, if I can avoid it. Causes nothing but lag. But anyhow, I will be putting the new video up, on here, soon (most likely later on, this afternoon, after I've had some kind of sleep).

But on the same note, I do think I may have blundered with my last guitar video, because I showed it to the veteran I take care of, and he disagreed when I said "it might be depressing"... evidently, he was hoping there was more, because he could listen to it all day.

And enters yet another request from someone asking me to read their cards... I'm starting to wish it were someone else asking me for that, because this one... this one also seems addicted to reading through those damn horrid scope things, online and what have you. But at least, for once, the request wasn't for the typical situation that can be solved with common sense. And yes, I say "Horrid Scope", because most of what one finds in these damn things does nothing but fill the head with shit.

Oy vey...



19:26 Jul 31 2023

I don't want to see my end coming. Though I work a little with divination in seeing omens in nature or an obsidian scrying mirror where I'm staring back at myself in classical Nietzche.


The Monsoon In My Head... Doesn't Seem To End...

04:00 Jul 29 2023
Times Read: 217

Since the release of the "singles", Primal Lullaby & (Who Is) Abandoned, I've started to wonder if I should also add a Direct Player of my Spotify to my page, on here. That way, it could at least play my music when people visit (assuming they choose to hit the play button, anyway). But the one drawback to that is that I've already tried to test it, and something seemed a little amiss, and I'm still not fully sure why.

Not to make it confusing, but while embedding the link to the player worked flawlessly, I still had to check a few things, and something seemed a little bit "off", in a way.

If I can't figure out what to do for that one, I may just put an auto-play video up, with some extended music from my YouTube channel, until I can figure something else out.
Admittedly, gaining an audience is kind of a pain when you don't like to have your face plastered all over the mainstream.



20:04 Jul 29 2023

Your music's not my cup of tea but I appreciate it and your performance. Rising Matrix sounded cool to me. You may want to try Bandcamp platform which is where I try to buy my music from where the customer can choose what to pay above set price. I've tasted the fruits of the Fae so to speak and don't care much about earthly things as much anymore having been spoiled. Though I can understand the dilmna you face about putting yourself out there as I'm the same but that's the nature of sacrifice.

03:34 Jul 30 2023

I'm honestly a little surprised anyone would listen to "ADDENDUM". That definitely wasn't one I wanted to do, in general, but hey. You should've heard what my little foster sisters said about that one.
And I'll take a look into Bandcamp, as well. Thank you for the tip, Ranger.


Something Both Good... and... Not so Good...

05:36 Jul 28 2023
Times Read: 237

Well, as of tonight, the first "singles" of my latest album are out, and should be available for listening. One more week from now, the full album will be out, and people can hear the whole thing (I still have no idea what went up distribution's asses about the whole thing, but hey). In fact, I will be putting the link(s) here, for those who may wish to hear it on Spotify, though I'm still waiting to find out when I can actually link my own damn YT channel, instead of all my work being put out to being labeled as "various artists".

Beyond that, however, it seems that I may finally have work again, in my main "profession", which... being a professional caretaker for the disabled... ya. Don't get me wrong. It has its rewards tied in. But it certainly isn't music, which seems to be pretty much the only thing I have left to live for. Granted, I may be able to introduce those I work with to my music, but so far, it seems that the one "saving grace" I seem to have with the latest potential job is that I'll have a full, consecutive week of working, and then off for a week and back again - which should give me the ability to keep working with my music as well (if not, then... Houston? We have a problem, and someone is catching the cannons for it.).

But of course, this strange twist of fortune seems to come with yet another "edge to the blade", so to speak. If I'm understanding things correctly, then veteran I currently take care of and look after is soon to be losing his home, which he has lived in for the past fifty-ish years. Which, of course, he has been trying to fight that (I can't say I blame him), but everything seems that it will take too long to accomplish, and thus, he'll be out on his ear before anything can even be done, which will also (ultimately) leave me in a similar debacle, since I literally tend to live wherever I work. That'll be fun to deal with, when my job decides to try sending me hard-copy mail ((insert irritated eyebrow)).
This little fiasco also leads into an even bigger issue, in my case:: depending upon how quickly I can actually obtain a place to live again, people may or may not be seeing uploads for my music for awhile, let alone updates to the music. Ironically, this is one reason for which I've been trying to get my music out, so much, because admittedly... we all know an 'artist' of any kind is pretty much nothing without their fans; the people who enjoy their music. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly handy when it comes to socializing, let alone advertising, so I rely more upon Word-of-Mouth and people deciding they want to share my music with their friends, et-cetera... as odd as it may seem to some, the more people who listen to my channels, the more likely my music is to gain the traction, and thus, it becomes the main thing I do by default. That being said, actually, for those who listen; if you enjoy it, then share to your hearts' content.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On a strangely... awkward note, however... I almost think I may have made a bit of a mistake in showing said veteran I have been taking care of my latest guitar video - and yes, I mean the one that I said may be a little depressing. Well, apparently, he didn't think so. The only thing he said was "I wouldn't say that's 'DEPRESSING'... I could actually listen to that all day long."
So, depending upon some things, I may or may not soon be working on a highly extended version of the tune I was using in that video - again, not fully certain, but it is a possibility. Apparently, until I am either back to my regular job, or he loses his house, this guy actually wants me to just keep my music going as "full-throttle" as possible, so... partly to avoid pissing the laddy-o off, and partly because I can't afford to put my music down again, I suppose I'm going to do just that. Unfortunately, I have no idea what has really been keeping me going, of late, because during the recording of the last YouTube video, I was forcing myself to even pick up my guitar, which... obviously, for me, says quite a lot, given that everyone knows I basically live for music, these days. I didn't even want to move for almost three days straight, and it certainly doesn't help when you basically still wish the "bullet to the brain-pan" had worked when you did it so long ago.

But all the personal bullshit aside...

(Who Is) Abandoned and Primal Lullaby from YouTube.




15:37 Jul 29 2023

Some great music here. :)


An Interesting Little Thought In Mind...

23:47 Jul 26 2023
Times Read: 257

Recently, I've had a rather interesting thought in my mind, relative to something I did long before I came across the Rave::

As a select few may know, about fifteen or twenty years ago, I had made the mistake of putting my music down, and have been kicking myself for it, ever since. But something I did with my setup back then... I have the same thing entering my mind, once again.

These days, I have only a single amplifier, and my one guitar. So, naturally, I have to think quite a ways outside the box, to create the sound I want. Not that I have a problem with that, really. As the old adage goes; the more you have, the more your creativity becomes blocked or stunted. And believe me, that is especially true, when it comes to music. One of the reasons I kind of prefer to have a limited amount of gear, instead of a mountain of shit.

But the one thing that I refer to, in terms of something I used to do, years ago... I had only my main guitar, a bass, and three different amplifiers. Nothing really special (granted, I had more, back then, than I do, now), but that strange limit brought me to figuring out an interesting setup I would crank up every once in awhile, and while it drove a lot of people absolutely bat shit crazy, others consistently seemed to think quite the contrary.
I would hook up all three of my amplifiers in procession, and tweak the dials until I found what I was looking for. I did this, because I didn't have a distortion pedal, and I couldn't find one. Beyond that, I was also experimenting with volume, loudness, and even more... the frequency.

Needless to say, as I've pointed out, probably a hundred times, I was far better, as a guitarist, back then, than I am now. I was doing pentatonic scales like it was nothing, and I would do that, just as a warm-up. But it was often what I did specifically with this chain of amplifiers that had people really turning their heads.
Now, it may or may not be easy to imagine with accuracy, but try, for yourself, to visualize the sound and tone that comes from ONE amplifier, when it also had TWO OTHER amplifiers plugged straight into it, like a chain, or even more ridiculous... picture that as the sound coming from a literal triangle - simple, home made/spliced connection, with only one actually a direct line from the guitar. Sounds either ridiculous, or downright silly, yes? But to fathom that this actually consistently produced a perfect sound in not only volume and loudness, but even the sound quality was astonishing.
Now, when I say that the Volume and Loudness was insane... I lived just off a few blocks, from the dead center of my town, at the time. And people could hear me playing, all the way from the highway, leading in/out of town, which also happened to be on the very edge of a town about three, to five miles diameter. That is some Hellishly nasty volume. I actually often had to set all this up on the roof of my place, because it was so insane that just tapping one string would make the rooftop quake, if I wasn't careful. Imagine what that would do to the windows. Yet ironically, the way I set it all up, I had the speakers pointed UP & OUT, instead of just outward.

I've been thinking, recently about doing this again, with a new setup, since all my old gear is history. Granted, it wouldn't likely be cheap to build - though that is kind of subjective to whether or not I feel like buying everything brand new, or going to a pawn shop for it. But I recently had an interesting tune going through my head, every so often, that reminded me of this old setup I had. Unfortunately, the biggest drawback would be FINDING A PLACE to actually set all this up, if I were to do it again, because I can guarantee the sheer level of the sound would be so insane that it would be guaranteed to almost wake the dead.

Of course, however... if I were to pull this stunt again, everyone knows I would be testing it first, to make sure everything runs smoothly. But afterwards, one can almost wager that I would be doing a video of it, just because I can. The only drawback to that, however, is that I would rather people hear my real music, first. This idea originally came to me, in the earlier days of the group/artist Bass Mekanik. And at the time, it caused quite a local stir, but also brought me to pushing my ability with it further, until I had an absurd incident that made me put my music down like an idiot.
I've been thinking of also doing a video, explaining this, later, but I'm a little on the fence about it. But naturally, if I do make a video about it, then people can expect me to be putting a link to it up, on here.




The Sound Quality Probably Sucks. But I Couldn't Help Getting This One Lazed Out.

07:41 Jul 26 2023
Times Read: 272

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In case it wasn't apparent, I often play what I legitimately feel, when I'm not doing a specific song. So this is likely to sound depressing as Hell, IF it is even good. I still say I can't play worth shit anymore, but I've gotten to the point where I just don't give enough of a fuck.



20:37 Jul 26 2023



I Swear... The Irony of Chaos...

05:39 Jul 24 2023
Times Read: 297

Something I really do find irritatingly ironic, of late...

Make no mistake about it. I know I am arrogant. Granted, depending upon who you ask, on that, you will obviously get mixed responses. But personally, I Know I am. And in my own opinion, my arrogance only gets worse as time goes on. But this is something positively ridiculous...

Over the past year or two-ish, I have (unfortunately) grown quite accustomed to one person, in particular asking for my opinion, or asking "What Should I Do?", et-cetera.. Specifically, my last (ex)wife, whom, apparently, despite being in her mid-late 20's, has yet to figure out that sometimes, it is better to cut half the world off, instead of being a butterfly.
Just yesterday, this woman had to almost BEG me to bail her boyfriend and an old associate out of somehow being stranded like the pair of halfwits they are. And yet, even after I was left little (if any) choice but to tell said ASSOCIATE (and I quote) "The Next Time This Happens, I Will Break Your Fucking Neck", this fucker apparently decides to have an attitude with people, having some kind of superiority complex.

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but... the last thing I am going to do is act like I am superior to someone, if I just had my own ass bailed out of Shit's Creek, especially by someone who clearly is in little, if ANY position to help me. Honestly, that's just a level of either Low, or Fucked In The head that even I don't think I could ever reach. And coming from someone who has been left to rot probably a hundred times, and had to fight their way out of pretty much everything, which I won't even get into, now... I would think that statement speaks volumes...
Well, apparently, this particular... shit brain (I can't even call him a "halfwit", at this point, because that would almost be complementing him (besides, as I see it, my ex-wife's current Boyfriend is more the halfwit, in this case)) decided, today, after I bailed him and the other out of trouble, YESTERDAY, to start having this superiority complex with everyone in their midst, and it took her until tonight to finally go off on his ass. And here I am, cocking my eyebrow, with a major headache, from all the absurd stupidity, all whilst I am having to deal with my OWN headache of a monsoon of details...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Since I have been without my main job for almost a year, now, I have recently been on the hunt for an extra job. And honestly, that puts a little bit of a damper on doing my music, because I Only do 2nd and 3rd shift, for multiple reasons; one of which being the obvious fact that I simply don't do daylight very well. It drains the Hell out of me, to the point where I just cannot stay awake, unless I'm dealing with the insomnia, among other things.
Well, naturally, I am consistently asking the main management if they have any cases within a 10-15 mile mark, and but of course... that obviously goes nowhere. The funny thing is that the reason I always ask about the distance is because I drive a vehicle I don't exactly trust - 07 FORD... and no... it isn't a truck. I won't drive a truck unless I have no other choice. But that doesn't really matter, when you know bloody well that FORD has not made a good vehicle in damn near 30 years, unless you work in law enforcement.
But in all this irony and chaos... I only find myself digressing to the rather long poem/song I wrote around two years ago...

"Brigadier of Chaos"...

I'm beginning to wonder if I should put THAT one into an actual song, for the next album. The one difficulty would be the length that I know that song would be. I already know, that would be close to ten or twenty minutes, by itself.
Chaos, chaos, chaos... lunacy, lunacy, lunacy... UPIDITYSTEY!!!!!

And people wonder why someone like myself has such a hatred for society, yet wishes for a real reason to consider something or someone "close" again...

And by the way... did Any of that make sense to anyone else? Because it didn't (and doesn't) make sense to Me, and I'm the one thinking/writing it...




And Holy. Bloody. Hellfire... Today, and The Song...

08:48 Jul 23 2023
Times Read: 307

How I managed to do it, I'm not fully sure (apart from the fact that I realized I was trying to us a foreign octave). But the very song that I thought wouldn't be finished until AFTER the coming album hits... is somehow finished. And Holy Absolute Hellfire...
Yet again, I continue to realize just how "impossibly" powerful my real voice is.

I had to deal with a very... fucked... video call, earlier in the day, right as I was waking up; My Ex had to call me up, and almost literally beg me to bail a pair of morons out of trouble from being stranded, so of course, it was ultimately agreed that these said twits now owe me, Big Time. Not only that, but when they finally returned home, she called me on video again, specifically to put them on-screen. And apparently, I was "roaring" so damn loud, that the veteran I take care of (who also happens to be almost completely deaf, mind you) said he could not only still hear me, even over his own music, through two floors of the house he built... but he even felt the whole house shaking... and this was all mid-afternoon. Not exactly something a person needs to be waking up to, especially when still waiting for their typical job to pick back up.
I know I have one Hellishly powerful voice, still. But that is ridiculous, even to me.

But anyhow... it seems that the song I thought would take much longer was just finished about an hour or so ago, though apparently, it still has some minute fine-tuning to go through, so it's not destroying my speaker system (I can only imagine what it would do to a "standard" speaker). I genuinely thought it was going to take much longer to do. But I know I can't exactly release it for some time, which is kind of a pain in the ass. So, I get to, instead, sit on it, for awhile.

Gotta love the fucking chaos...



15:56 Jul 23 2023

Not even a little sneaky peaky??? Lol

18:10 Jul 23 2023

Even for that, I'm afraid, anyone will have to wait, at least, until this album has already been out for a little bit.
I may put a small taste of it in a future video on the Tube, but at the moment, I have some back-up work to do, first. Can't afford to lose my work to this damn heat wave shit going on (or to anything, for that matter).


Decided to Try Some Fine-Tuning for one of my Songs and see Where it Goes..

06:53 Jul 20 2023
Times Read: 343



18:37 Jul 20 2023

Nice. :)

21:36 Jul 20 2023

Cool :)

23:22 Jul 20 2023

Just imagine what the finished song is going to be and sound like.

13:27 Jul 21 2023

It definately pulls at the imagination...


A New Song in Mind--

10:00 Jul 19 2023
Times Read: 369

Mind you, as I write this, the internet is currently down (thanks to the idiot son of the veteran I look after, of course, trying to fuck his pop's over - gotta love the lazy backstabbers of the world).

We have a technician visiting today, to get everything back online; so, once everything is all done, I may or may not be online (though I'll still only be in the database, of I am). But beyond this, I have another new song to work on, which, unfortunately, won't be part of the album dropping on the 4th. But it will be quite an interesting work in progress, because I am combining several factors into one lump piece of work.

Simply put:: Dissonance. Or, in terms of the song I'm about to be working on, "Sensation of Dissonance".

If all ironies, I actually thought of this one, while "noodling" around on the guitar, which... Particularly, since I have an EXTREMELY unorthodox style of playing, I keep my guitar detuned by half a step. Specifically, I keep it tuned to the C-key, and straight to Drop-C tuning, but with an interesting little twist... It still stays de-tuned, even further, by, not half a step, but half a TURN. To those unfamiliar with the concept, you may even notice that the coming album has a distinctively "eerie" tone. Most guitarists maintain a constant "standard" tuning. Myself, well... I don't do that. I go even beyond what most Metal guitarists do (they usually do Drop-C, but they keep everything very tightly together, so to speak), and I detune my stuff to be even heavier, when I'm not even playing something "heavy".

Normally, I use what are called "inverted" power chords - power chords are often the "go-to" in a lot of rock and metal riffs you hear. An inverted power chord is really just that chord reversed, to give the note(s) played an audible sense of dissonance. Most chords done on a guitar aren't all that dissonant (in short, you see more of them that "chime" together, almost like layers to the sound). My style, however... Well, you can probably do a Google search or on YouTube, and find what a "dissonant" tune is; but again... I go further than that, to emphasize that sound, but, even further yet, to make it even More "dissonant". Meaning that if most others were to play the same thing, note for note, chord for chord, it would still sound... Quite mild.

I have one video up, on the Tube, right now, that shows just a hint of this. But once the internet is back up, I'm going to see if I can get a clean and clear recording of what I'm talking about, to show. Which, if I can, that should be quite interesting, because I've noticed that most people seem to have a bit of a "hang-up" about just the very concept of dissonant tunes (especially when coming from me).
But the song that I will be working on (hopefully very soon) should be quite interesting, in and of its own, because while writing it, I found myself pondering all of us, who have endured something that has taken a toll, yet the biggest factor was something so personal, I don't even know of a way to describe it, lest it be through my old poetry and the music.

Knowing my luck, however, this song, alone, won't be finished until after the latest album drops, so... anyone who wants a listen can hear that album first. This new song will likely be part of the "EP" I mentioned being possible (though suggestions or requests are still welcome) before.




A Little Something For People to Hate me on...

07:27 Jul 17 2023
Times Read: 393

Now, granted, I am better with a slower, darker style, but... I'm still nowhere near as good with a guitar as I was, say, fifteen or twenty years ago. Someone recently said I was lying when I said I'm terrible. Maybe this will show my current ability, after only two weeks of no playing. And mind you, about fifteen years ago, I could do Pentatonic Scales like it was nothing. Now? Not even close.




This is Slightly Irritating... and I'm not Even Quite Sure Why...

20:57 Jul 15 2023
Times Read: 412

Of course, as my new album is about two weeks from dropping - mind you, the first two songs that will likely be seen or heard are "singles" that someone in the distribution offices insisted on in a funky way, but they'll be released, both on the 28th of this month - I just got hit with an idea that I could almost swear belongs with this album. But of course, can't add it in, now. So, instead, I find myself pondering something...

After, of course, people hear the coming album, should I do what I just had enter my mind as a "single", or "EP"? Since I have a funny suspicion the song may take a little while to do, I'm somewhat on the fence with the idea, but now, I have it "egging me on", one might say. But if I were able to add it to the coming album, I can almost wager it would have to be among the last songs played.

Mind you, for those unfamiliar with my music or the style of it... if I were to classify it, myself, I would have to say it is a combination of Gothic and Progressive Rock/Metal; might not seem so unorthodox, perhaps. But if you've heard some of my previous work (which, to me, is still child's play, by comparison to what is about to hit), then you probably know what I mean when I say I prefer to "mix and mingle styles in a strange way".

To give a small amount of background or perspective, of the few who have already heard it before I sent it in, I've been told a few times that it seems to remind them of Type O Negative, BlutEngel and Cradle of Filth... among a few others, more of the Classic-Progressive Rock genre. But either way it goes, if you're a fan of the aforementioned groups, then you may very well enjoy this coming album.
Sadly, however, I am still having to wait for the time that I can actually use my YouTube channel for my music (properly, anyway), and keeping in mind that I really don't care for being on video... at all... granted, however, that doesn't mean that I won't go on video; it just means that it will have to be either by request, or another "special" reason.

But in any case... when the album (and its "singles") is finally out, I am quite curious to know what people would like to see for the piece that I have in my head, right now.




I Have to Admit...

09:03 Jul 10 2023
Times Read: 448

I really do have to admit, sometimes, it is a major pain in the ass for me to avoid butting in where I know I don't belong.
I'm pretty sure some people here know exactly what I'm talking about, given that so many of us tend to frequent one another's journals, from time to time.

Mind you, I'm fairly certain everyone on here knows I try to mind my own, unless I'm addressed first. But Christ in Hell... at times, I really have to restrain myself, simply because I know I have no business in certain topics or conversations. But I guess I'm just amongst the last of the most "old-fashioned" like that.
Kind makes me wonder a couple things, in general, really. Well, one, for certain. Mainly what I plan to do with my profile, once I eventually "reach full Sire" status. Shit, I don't even really know, at this particular moment.

To be brutally honest, I really don't think I would want to be a "coven master", even given the chance. Granted, I might (operative word, there) take it on, if I was asked, but kind of unlikely. I know, full well, I'm not the most mass-favorite individual here, simply because of my honesty, but that's another reason I keep to my own shit.
Besides that, I have my music and channel(s) to fully get off the ground. Granted, I have no intention of saying "goodbye" to the Rave, any time soon - really, though I always have been and always will be The Estranged One, this is just about the only "place" that I've known in years, where my "lunacy and strangeness" often seem welcome. For me, the Rave is pretty much the only "home" I've known in ages. But the concept still has me a little... lost, on what I would do on here, after "Sire out", unless I were to bring more of my music to this place, since, as I've learned, most of the old artists have gone bye-bye, like Kansas (enter The Wizard of Oz reference) did, decades ago.

I really want to poke my nose in, some days. But given that I know I have no place in some (if not most) conversations, yes, I bite my tongue like Hell, which is very much out of my character. But it's even more out of my character to open my mouth where I have no place in the conversation.

Gotta love it when you're so damn honest, it makes you a walking contradiction.




People Really do Make My Head Hurt... and I Finally Did The Update Video For The New Album--

08:55 Jul 09 2023
Times Read: 462

Yes, I finally got the second update video for my upcoming album done, and it's currently in the process of upload. Been dealing with a raging migraine all damn day, from the amount of time I've been having to argue with Distribution over this one. These jokers didn't even give me this kind of trouble about my FIRST official release, ADDENDUM.

I swear, I must be missing something, because I've always known the music industry can be (and often is) weird about things and quite fickle. But this is almost ridiculous.

But in any case, I'm thinking of doing a couple more videos, at some point soon - one, specifically relative to the "occult" and paranormal, but I'm a little on the fence, still.

And of course, the ex just messaged me, about a damn Tarot reading... And I can bet a hundred dollars that it's something simple common sense can solve in a heartbeat...

((MAJOR EDIT:: Goddamnit, I hate being right...))
Common Sense is the answer, and this woman apparently doesn't know how to use hers. Don't get me wrong, here. I am by no means misogynistic, and I certainly don't tolerate it from anyone around me. But I really do question this lady's sensibility, when she insists upon either calling on me for a Tarot reading, like I'm a fucking crystal ball, for shit like this...

No joke about it, the first thing I hear is "I need to stop reading my horoscope, and I need a Tarot reading because I'm terrified of failing inspection for my apartment"...

The only thing I could say to this woman is "You don't need a Tarot reading or a fucking crystal ball, let alone a goddamn HORRID SCOPE to tell you something that SIMPLE COMMON SENSE will say, if you JUST USE YOUR HEAD."




Suddenly, I'm Not Sure If I Should Be Flattered, Or Insulted And Pissed Off...

19:05 Jul 07 2023
Times Read: 482

Since this ridiculous heat wave and all the sunshine has had me drained out of my wits any time I step outside, I have been killing the time with going through and rating, left and right. But a little bit ago, I noticed something that seems to be repeating, all over again, from years ago.
Is it just Me? Or do people really lack the originality to use THEIR OWN IMAGERY?

I've noticed, yet again, someone using a photo of Me, from the early, to mid 2000's, on their profile. And believe you me, this is far from the first time this has happened. The last few times this came about, it was by a character who really should've been banned/permanently suspended (and arrested - but that's a topic for another time), yet nothing ever went, from what I heard.
And actually, the very last time I saw this, it seemed to be the same fucker who somehow hacked into my old Facebook account, about ten-ish years ago, and got it locked down by the feds (and I'm not even joking about that last part).

Now, however, I can't help finding myself wondering...
Should I be flattered about this crap of someone else using photos of Me in their page(s)? Or should I be extremely pissed off about this? I'm genuinely torn on this.

What's even more messed up, however, is that I recognize the photo, because it was taken by my old fosters, when they saw I had dyed my hair black as a test run.




::Drastic Edit From Last Entry::

06:34 Jul 07 2023
Times Read: 492

I kept getting the sense that I worded the last entry wrong, and son of Sam, if I didn't get annoyed reading my own typing... so here goes the (hopefully) more appropriate phrasing of it all, with some much needed extra detail--

I just finished spending about four or five consecutive days, if not a week, arguing with my distribution network/team, over the release of the second official album; "The Tragic Myth of Love". For those who didn't catch this particular detail, here is the very much (in my opinion) BACKWARDS WEIRDNESS of it all...
It took days on end of me having to fight with these jackasses for me to finally find out that they were preventing it from being sent out (basically holding it in their laps), only because they insisted that I choose At Least One "Single" from it. Or at least, that's what I was getting. Well, herein lies the kicker... I WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF THIS...

As the last entry states, I decided to try putting the album out in a different way; finding a song that seemed to already have some kind of 'impact' on a previous listener, and using that as a "single". Well... it wasn't even until AFTER I HAD MADE THIS SELECTION, that someone gets back to me, in direct messaging (here is where it gets more stupid)...

Has anyone ever heard of any musician/artist (what genre, pick your poison) being Demanded to provide Not Just ONE prospect, but TWO, or more, from the same collection?
When I say this is/was absolutely ridiculous, I couldn't be more serious. It takes them about a week to get back to me about why they weren't allowing my newest work to go out; and only AFTER I decide to make the attempt at choosing only one song to release as a "single", since no one would get back to me, do I finally get a direct message, telling me some roundabout crap, that this was what they were waiting on... and they wanted me to select ANOTHER, in the process, "just for safe measure".

Now, I can't help but wonder, here... I'm certain my typing & wording, here, is perfectly coherent. But is Anything in this mess of text I've written making sense to anyone? Because the weirdness I seem to be conveying Still doesn't make sense to Me.
And this is all after, by some equally weird happenstance, one of my channels momentarily seemed to "catch fire" for a day, before suddenly going almost fully back to what it first was. I know I often say "I'm accustomed to all the weird shit happening to Me", but this is something beyond confounding and ridiculous.

I've only just started my return to music. And admittedly, despite the egotistical madman I know I am, even I have a difficult time understanding or fathoming what this seems to be suggesting. If anyone else is lost in this, please, let me know. Because for some reason, even reading this back, myself... I am still so damn confused about it, it's not even funny.




I Can't Believe I'm Doing This, But...

20:21 Jul 06 2023
Times Read: 522

I really can't believe I'm even trying this one, but I'm attempting to see if I can at least get out a "single" from the coming album, or if I have to really raise Hell with these fuckers, to get this one out there. On this one, actually, assuming people aren't currently keeping up with my channels, I'll be keeping a little update, here. And if it actually works for the "single", at least, then I'll link it up, on here, for everyone to view.

And Son Of A BITCH, If It Did Work... What The Absolute Shit?...

Well, I guess...
Give it about three-ish weeks or so, from now, and people can hear the first song from "The Tragic Myth of Love".

Now, I need to find out what the Hell is preventing the full ALBUM from being released as it's supposed to be.



21:23 Jul 06 2023

Curious about the album :)


The Most Recent Update Video to my Channel

21:40 Jul 05 2023
Times Read: 543



22:00 Jul 05 2023



I Feel Like an Absolute DUMBASS, at The Moment... and This Is Why...

15:30 Jul 05 2023
Times Read: 554

I just got 'slapped' awake, a little bit ago, after only about a couple hours of sleep, by something that I really cannot believe didn't register with me before.

I've realized that some of my latest music would likely have a tremendous helpful impact on those who listen in on it, and I need to point those songs out. But unfortunately, I can't exactly bring the necessary attention to them if my dumb ass refuses to be on camera, since, apparently, people don't like to listen to me much if they can't SEE me physically speaking.

This ridiculously obscene point being stated... Anyone who reads this should keep their eye(s) on my YouTube channel, so they can catch the video(s) and especially, take a gander at my Spotify channel, because you may find it to be quite the piece of work.




Okay... Now, I am REALLY Confused.

21:40 Jul 04 2023
Times Read: 570

I don't even know what to call this weirdness.
Since I haven't been able to sleep (still), I've been listening to other music on the Tube. But when I was fighting a very much losing battle with my settings and other BS, earlier, I barely had 20 subscribers. Now, suddenly, I seem to be getting blown up with notifications of new subs, out of the blue.
Somehow, I am now at 70+, and I currently have no idea where the Hell this is coming from. Granted, on one side of this, at least... it SEEMS like it's gaining some much-needed attention. But I'm really not sure, at the moment. I suppose, at least, for now, I can only wait and see what's going on, because this has be a little baffled (which is really saying a lot, considering my level of intellect).

For the moment, I genuinely have no idea what to think of this, because I've been having to argue with an online computer system (more than one, actually), and putting that together with having to wait for the accursed "holiday" to pass, just so I can/have to pay a visit to a couple places, this week... needless to say, my head is practically spinning from both the stress and confusion, at the moment.



21:53 Jul 04 2023

Ah.. now I understand your comment. :)

22:12 Jul 04 2023

What's even more weird and equally perplexing is that this number is somehow only climbing, almost erratically. At just past the noon hour, I was at my old (fewer than twenty) number. Now, I am counting nearly 150... All i can say is "What The Fuck Is Going On???"


Christ... I Can Tell I've Been Nearly Losing What Little Remains of My Mind... And Someone In The System Is NOT Going to Like me.

16:17 Jul 03 2023
Times Read: 589

Go figure, I can't even get a hold of the damn offices for the retarded medical billing I was never even supposed to receive. So, now, I get to pay these dumb fucks a visit and raise some Cain, in the middle of their establishment. I guess I know what I'm doing in a couple days. No way in Hell am I going into town prior to or on the 4th. Too much lunacy for my taste.

Simply because my sleep has been... highly disrupted, of late... I've been going through and rating profiles and the such, and I have fully realized just how many profiles on here are either fake, cancelled, suspended, inactive for years, or what have you. I swear, people really need to get a life. And yes, I know, that sounds a little ironic, even coming from me, given my activity of late. But frankly, given that I've been working literally day and night on my music, since January, while I can't believe I'm about to say this, even I grant myself a pass, on that one.

Of course, I ended up in conversation with the ex-wife, again, last night, and one of her friends - an old friend/associate of my own - actually thought I had a problem with him... but I think, after the tail end of the conversation, it may end up abundantly clear that it's someone else in her midst who won't be a big fan of me.
The woman's new boyfriend apparently thought I couldn't hear him as he decided to throw an insult in my direction, under his breath. Of course, she tells him "Don't even go there; he hates that". Naturally, however, she and our mutual associate/old friend both know my senses and mindset a little too well. Going off of the tone I heard from her end of the call, she damn near soiled herself, and our old friend only said something I almost find hilarious.

"You're about to be barking up the worst wrong tree of your life, kid. That guy is not something you want to piss off."

Of course, the only thing I said was "And I will break your fucking neck, if you go there, boy."

People really seem to enjoy underestimating an old sanguine.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At least I've gotten most of the debacle with my music straightened out, however. Soon, it will be time for me to begin the release of my latest album. But I'm still wondering if I should release it one song at a time, or all at once.
Honestly, I am thinking it might be better to release it piece by piece, because I can almost wager people will notice the detail ingrained in it. And I'm fairly certain it will resonate with quite a number of those who hear it.

Speaking of which, for those who have yet to check it out, you can find the links to my YouTube and Spotify channels on my main/profile page. And if you want to support the work, the best way to do that is to subscribe and follow my channels.

My latest "video" on the Tube ends with a sample taste of one of my latest songs. And I still find myself debating upon the idea of doing an actual video of some of my music, but I'm really on the fence about it. But for those who hear my music, let me know which ones you like the most, and feel free to share it about. Once I have a decent regular following, I will be setting things up for a proper website, though I'm not sure about "merch". That one... I really don't know. It really depends on the feedback about it.




Irony, Irony, Irony... to-night seems almost Chalk Full of it...

04:00 Jul 03 2023
Times Read: 604

Of course, at this moment, I am spending my time literally wasting the time to go through profiles and rate according to what I see in/on each one of them. Speaking of which, to those who are not aware of it already; When I do rate, I am equally as blunt and honest as I am in conversation (and trust me, that has made me plenty of keyboard-warrior enemies, so be careful). Again, I rate the profiles I find on here, based upon what I see; Avatar/Profile Photo, Bio, etcetera. Naturally, I always take into account whether or not someone possesses the knowledge or patience to add whatever fancy artwork they desire. But I still rate profiles based upon what I see (and especially if I see either up-front honesty on any level, and it seems, in any fashion, "slightly wordy", then... as long as what I read/see makes sense, then that tends to get a high rating, anyway, just because I know not many people have the IQ to even pay attention to what they write, enough to even check their grammar.). Though, because I know, all too well, how it tends to be, I try my best not to leave a rating of anything below a 5. So that is typically the rating I give an empty profile. I rate based on detail. Simple as that. So, if I have rated your profile, and you would like me to re-rate it, then make certain it warrants another rating. But anyhow...

I suppose one could say (or might as well say) that I am wasting the time to venture through and rate, simply because I currently have nothing else to do, at the moment, and I'm trying to get my mind off the stupidity of the medical and legal systems' ineptitude. Or just the ineptitude of society, as a whole.

For a little context, in that, I was brought a piece of mail, earlier this afternoon, which has me really perplexed..
I am apparently being billed TWICE for the same exact test I submitted to, months ago. Now, of course, I paid for the damn thing, up-front, since, legally speaking, it's the only way I am allowed to continue my main job (which is likely to change pretty soon).
But to find out that I am being billed TWICE for something I already paid for, up-front, on the day I submitted for it.. That shit is kind of insulting, to me. And honestly, it kind of reminds me of the fairly frequent conversations that almost always have me thinking that my intelligence has been insulted - mainly conversations with my ex-wife, who is, to this day, almost always asking me for advice.

I'm a fucking musician and an old occult study. Not a goddamn crystal ball. And yes, I say that with due reason; I am being requested to read the Tarot, for her or someone else, on a nearly daily or weekly basis, when the first thing that I always find is that the situation I am being asked about can always be solved with something called "COMMON SENSE". But I keep forgetting that old adage...

"Unfortunately, common sense is not so common".

So, yes; I am currently trying to kill a little time, by rating new profiles (or, at least, that I haven't already visited in the last year-ish), while also trying to use said "activity" to get my mind off of the ridiculous stupidity of the societal system, which seems more like a STD of the cranium.
"Mental Herpi-Gono-Syphil-AIDS, anyone?" I don't know about you, but I would prefer to avoid the stupidity.



19:47 Jul 03 2023

lol. You rated a few of mine I believe, and fair rating as well.

02:34 Jul 04 2023

Well, I do rate everything by detail.


Well... SOME of The Headache Alleviated...

17:17 Jul 02 2023
Times Read: 617

Well, luckily, I managed to get a 'chunk' of the trouble with "Addendum" straightened out and squared up. Although, apparently, the problem remained something so simple, it should've been the first thing done, when the album was first released, anyway...

On that one, I don't know who is more of a dumbass... them for not telling me about it, or me for not asking if there was anything I was unaware of. And I'm strangely serious about that. Yet partly being facetious.

However, now, I still have to wait until an office opens up their doors, so I can pay Them a visit, which, won't be until tomorrow, at least. Possibly even after the damn holiday... which also means that there is no way in Hell I'm risking going out and into the city, for anything, because I am not dealing with the holiday insanity OR the noise. I don't do well around things that explode (i.e., fireworks). For some reason, it only reminds me of things of my past I would prefer to not revisit.

Of course, as one might be able to tell, I also haven't had much sleep, recently, so my irritation is almost through the roof with these things. I think I've had about an hour or two, each day, over the past... month, I think. But anyhow...

I've been listening to the playback of my latest music, for the past few days, to make sure it is as smooth as possible. I swear, having my senses can be kind of a curse, at times, because I consistently notice everything "off" by even a micron, and being somewhat OCD can make that obscenely irritating.
I've actually had to mechanically tune down a couple of my latest songs, because my voice nearly blew out my speaker(s), at not even half volume. They actually shook not only my computer and speaker system, but the entire desk, all the way to the first floor (mind you, I reside on the second floor of a substantially sturdy building; so, for the house, itself, to shake, just from my singing is kind of... ya...). And the speaker (or speaker system) I currently use isn't exactly a thousand-dollar woofer system. It's a mere $20-ish Bluetooth, which has no problem with even Bass Mekanik and EBSM, if that means anything. Yet, my music can apparently push this thing to its absolute limit.
Funny enough, I only know my music shook the house, because of the veteran I look after telling me he felt the place shaking like an earthquake (THAT is ridiculous).

Anyhow... little by little, I have been debating upon adding some short videos of some kind to my channel, or just minuscule updates, here and there, with samples of my music, to give a further taste of my coming album (and possibly to draw a little more attention to the first album, as well. But on that one, I'm slightly on the fence, at the moment. Kind of juggling that idea with the (albeit unlikely, but still possible) idea of using my music as a background for "breakdown" videos (as long as it doesn't mean that I have to be on camera much, myself, that is).




And Let The Extra Headache Begin...

10:47 Jul 02 2023
Times Read: 624

Well, it's a good thing I have the coming album (technically) finished. As well as the first official album.
Apparently, my dumbass completely forgot that I needed to go through the headache of one of my primary associates, when I release my music, in the first place. Now, I just have to go through the headache of reminding them that it's finished, so there are no "crossed hairs", so to speak.
The sad thing is that the associate(s) I need to have a chat with immediate assumed, when they heard the first release, that it was going to be a "bombshell". And the sad thing is that they've been in the business for quite some time, so they should have foreseen the same thing I did. But "oh, well" is just about all I can say.

Granted, I wasn't expecting my first official album to really make a real big impact. If anything, I was expecting "Addendum" to piss people off, or leave them scratching their heads, simply because it was designed to make people THINK (which is something I don't see the world doing very often). But apparently, someone expected it to suddenly "explode", when they first heard it.
Someone, please, tell me how an agent or agency that has been in business for easily a decade or two has such an absurd assumption?

I'm beginning to think (already) that I need to either do my own production and just push past the fact that I hate socializing (despite the migraine I know it will be) or just find another producer/distributor. Personally, I am finding this to be a little ridiculous, because it may even put the new album's release back for quite awhile.
Granted, it doesn't really seem like it took very long for me to put the latest stuff together. But the simple fact that I already figured something was coming, when someone(s) who has been in the music business for decades didn't...

What The Hell am I Missing, Here?
So, now, it seems that I get to have a long chat with these dumb shits, at a time that I Truly Fucking HATE being awake... which also means that I may even have to show up at their doors, which I already know, nobody will enjoy, because as always... I am apparently the most intimidating thing anyone who works with them has ever seen. Just when these guys first met me, the main "character", as I call the quack, took one look at me and (not even joking) I swear, he almost had a heart attack.

Well, anyway... here is hoping I can at least get the bullshit squared away on all ends, soon, short and sweet. Because I would really prefer to just get back to what I do.

To top it all off, I have also had to hear someone asking, Yet Again, if they could ever "have the pleasure" of seeing me pop up in their city again, in the foreseeable future... Mind you, of course, we're talking Nashville, Tennessee... After I have already made several factors abundantly clear to them.
All I can say, on that front, is that IF I end up paying that place a visit, it will only be because I have to, and everything from the round-trip, to having to put my things all in storage while I'm gone, will be coming out of someone's ass or pockets.

Oy... Fucking... Vey...




A Little Taste of What is to Come...

08:59 Jul 01 2023
Times Read: 645



23:43 Jul 01 2023

Maybe some poetry, or short stories read that 'matches' the vibe of your music in the background. You have such a unique voice.

02:40 Jul 02 2023

Certainly not the first time I've heard that, and I don't think it will be the last.
Admittedly, though, my own uncertainty is the biggest reason I've actually set up a poll on my YouTube channel.


I can Definitely Tell I Hate being On Camera...

04:52 Jul 01 2023
Times Read: 374

This one might be a bit... scattered... despite my typical mannerism...

As the title says... I can definitely tell I hate being on camera/film. I can't even joke about it when I say I just tried about ten times, to do another update video, for my YouTube channel, and of course, I got so goddamn frustrated with it, that I've just said "Fuck This".
The fucked thing is that it wouldn't even do any good for me to have any kind of a script to follow, because I can't stand even the idea of it. Not even if I'm the one writing it.

I guess it just goes to show that, for me, being on-camera is just not "my thing". Honestly, I don't know why I even try, on that one, and I'm not even sure what else I should try, because I kid you not, I have already tried pretty much everything I can think of. But when it comes to visuals... i am not exactly the most creative individual. And obviously, when it comes to the Tube, most people visit that platform, solely for the video content.

I've been listening to the playback of my up-coming album (so far, anyway), to make sure it's on par with what I want it to be, since I've gotten a lot of the needed editing finished; and I was even trying to use that for a little bit of background tunes, which... apparently, didn't do much, simply because of the old fucking OCD... talk about Fucking Annoying...

As far as the new/up-coming album goes, however, I have been finding myself debating on whether I should release the whole thing, all at once, or if I should release it piece-by-piece. On that one, I'm really not sure, at the moment (lat me know what you think, especially if you're interested in hearing it).

Just about the only thing I can really think of is possibly using a symbolic background, in place of being on-camera, myself. I am really scratching my head and slowly becoming frustrated, on this one, simply because of the one thing I can't stand... Being... On... Camera...
I swear, I have already come dangerously close to putting my hands through a beam, on this one (I would (quite literally) use my skull, instead, but I would rather avoid making my already frequent migraines even worse). I swear, sometimes, trying to do Video, when you Already Hate Being On Camera... is kind of a bitch. I may (as I keep hearing) "look good on camera", but that doesn't mean shit, when you hate it.



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