When I say that some people just should not have access to a computer.. take this scenario; some new people that gain access to a site most likely just by being internet trolls or brainless trollops, and then messaging one or multiple people out of the blue only to get insulted when they are minutely cold out on their shit... And Then they block you Because you called them out. Quite frankly, I find this hilarious, and for the most ridiculous of reasons. Mind you I even have a screenshot of the conversation, and the only thing that it tells me is that someone doesn't like intelligent conversation. And people wonder why I say that most socialization is nothing more than cheap thrills or people who can't be bothered to actually use their brains for anything more than finding who they will harass next.
I will put the image of the screenshot up when I have the chance and I'm able to.
I've just lately thought of a new piece of writing that I'm almost certain will likely provoke some very interesting thought. And the funny thing is that I have the perfect title for it, as well.
I suppose it's about time that I begin working on the longest series of works I've ever done, once I've written the piece I have in mind. For those who keep up on my works, however miniscule they may be... welcome to My insanity, everyone.
I don't know what brought me to it, but every once in awhile, I get the old "wild hair", as they say, to look at things that I've seen, perhaps a hundred times or more - in this case, something in my profile on here. Specifically speaking, my "referrals".
But this time, I look into that page to find a new profile that I haven't even seen, yet, in the new members page(s).
Is there something I'm not getting, here? Or is someone evidently trying to "stalk" me, in a not-very-intelligent way?
The funny thing is that the profile is also already suspended, as soon as it's put up. Apparently, the person isn't yet being "compliant" with the terms of service for the site.
I am actually really wondering about this one, because I don't recall referring anyone here, since I made the mistake of doing so for a former friend and then the woman from whom I'm getting a divorce.
Before I go too far into my point, here, I would rather make it known that there is often an odd twist to one having "apparently" lost their mind, as I have.
It feels like ever since I lost everything that mattered to me -my marriage (which was a mistake anyway, but I'm not getting into that right now), ergo my stance and my last sense of purpose, along with everything else that I had fought to keep - my mind has only reached one large "bevel", so to speak.
I keep trying to stand back up without having the difficulty of bumping into something that I don't feel like I have a place stepping into or being near. And because of it, I seem to consistently have the sense of stepping where I no longer belong, and I feel like I really should just keep to my original (and last remaining) tendrils.
I used to be considered one of the higher-ranking "elders" amongst the so-called "vampire community", but I also haven't actually had any part or place in that "community" in quite some time, now. You might as well say that I was unknowingly exiled, though, for what reasons, I have no idea.
But in my time of being 'exiled' and apparently excommunicado from pretty much all I have really known for years (in fact, the past few decades), and yet not really understanding why, it does somewhat strike a chord for me, as a reminder of why I originally tried to avoid these things in the first place.
But since my evident exile, it somewhat feels like a bitter reminder of my own conflicted thoughts that never really seem to end. All I wanted, long before I made the mistake of recent years, was the one thing that I'm apparently not allowed to have. Beyond that, I wished to pass my knowledge and ability along, to open the eyes of those who didn't understand. Evidently, that was another mistake, because I had to rectify more issues than I helped, in passing along any of my deepest "talents".
And trust me, I found out really quickly, why I shouldn't instruct (per say) in something on the web, because That has also ended in disaster, because apparently, when something happens across the globe and it is thought that the instructor lacks the ability to end it... that too, apparently causes an interesting dilemma of question and presumptive thought, which apparently places someone (or more, some Thing) like myself as the monster or "evil incarnate" (and yes, I have actually been called such).
If is ironic, really. In the past two or three decades, I have done more than many people I've known have done in their entire lives, and the worst thing is that this isn't even the tip of the ice berg, for me. Hell, if I were to write a book about my innumerable accomplishments, I don't even think it could be finished for the next thirty years or more. And that's just thinking of everything as one solid tome. But I also know that the likelihood of most wanting to even look at something of the sort is slim at best, simply because i (unfortunately) know a little too well how the human race is, by now. It is sad, however, that it's taken me this long to learn that lesson.
But again... This is why I really wonder, at this point, if I should have any "tenuous power". The level of "care" that I have to take, just to make sure I don't drive someone else insane is absurd. And to be honest, having to keep so many things ever-bottled, by itself, is a curse and a half, as well.
Either my current phone doesn't like something I'm doing, or I've missed something a little vital. I'm now trying to fix my profile image, yet this thing just won't seem to let me do that.
Well, this is why I need a new computer...
I'm going to try further to fix this one, but I probably can't do much without a proper screen and keyboard. Blasted electronics..
I swear, I must be an old-fashioned game addict (or something to that effect). I have just now come to the realization that in my past two or three days/nights online, j have been doing two particular things to focus my mind;
Listening to my primary musical tastes (primarily "dark" rock and metal (with some meditation/ritual and war drums thrown into the mix), and playing one massive game of Solitaire...
Now, don't get me wrong. I found, some time ago, that music and games are of the top things that help me focus and clear my mind just enough to think coherently. But when even I end up getting so wrapped up in something of this nature, it tells me two things:
1, I have too much time on my hands.
2, My mind must be absolutely warped out of even my own recognition.
It used to be that I could open a book, play an instrument, pick up a pencil and paper and draw, etcetera... only every once in awhile (typically once a week) would I have to pick up one of my decks of cards and start dealing out columns, or pull out the Chess board and play up a one-sided game (unless I had company, which has always been scarce). But now, I find myself reaching for one of my old decks of playing cards a little too much (alright, I'll "call myself out", here: WAY too much).
Granted, I have in turn been delving back into myself again, and "opening up my old doors" again, in the process of it all. But then again, I have always been a rather strange one in that regard (no pun intended).
I use different methods of things for nearly everything; when I need to, I tend to use the mind as a virtual Chess board (and no, I'm not kidding), and I will actually "move and manipulate pieces of the mind" to either assist or flat out break someone - really, if depends upon whether or not they've done something to piss me off.
But still, to realize that I have had to spend so much time with my brain stuck in music and a deck of cards is almost... disappointing to me. I haven't even been able to write much of y physical journal, let alone my "BOS" in months, or even read a single book since my return to the North. And trust me, it's not for a lack of the reading material, or having nothing to write about or for. It simply feels like being in the place where I currently reside has been little more than imprisoning myself, due to the sorrows of what happened to my life, just a month ago (which, actually, had been building up for the past year, without my knowledge).
I swear, I think I need a change of scenery that I actually feel I can trust.
I have finally made the decision to return fully to my age-old "practice", from long before I ever joined the Rave. It feels as though having been in wedlock (apparently to the wrong one, yet again) and having to restrain myself, just to be a husband - though I initially wanted to be a good husband at my very core - turned out to be a big mistake on my part.
Therefore, returning to myself, completely, feels the best course of action. I've spent too long trying to be something that I am evidently not meant to be, and trust me, I have paid the price for it.
I tried to be the "family man" that I wanted to be for many years over, and instead of even a faint level of success, j was met with absolute failure and heartache.
((See, my wife and I had been together for a few years, already, and in that time, my devotion to Self had dwindled. But when we had first gotten together, I managed to accomplish the one thing that has never been possible for me; she got pregnant with what would have been my first (and likely, my only) child. Unfortunately, my former foster "brother" intentionally caused her a miscarriage, only a week or so before we married, and we didn't even know until we had returned South. Only then, did I find out she had had what the doctors said was a "prolonged miscarriage", which, basically, is very uncommon, as the female body apparently acts (and thinks) like it is still with child until the projected due date, and then when that time would come, it can either be as painful as a full birth, or the body just "drops" nothing.))
In my time between back then and now, I have had to learn (the hard way, as well as being tested) that I am apparently sterile. Ergo, why I say I "managed to get her pregnant" - which we knew, yes, that it was my child - when by Ang and all biological sense... it should not have been possible, in tbe first place.
Needless to say, this woman has since (recently enough) left me to pursue another relationship, which I won't get into (at all, at this point). But the fact remains that the only one thing I ever wanted, I apparently was (and Am) not meant to have. So, instead, j am turning back to my original self, entirely, and I am bringing out the Self that has since made a name and reputation for being, well... I guess you can call it what you want; heartless, monstrous, sickening, twisted, what-have-you. But the point of it being that it is the Real me, once again. And this time, if someone cannot handle it, then I can't help you. And frankly, I will not apologize for who I really am, as I did, the entire time I was in wedlock.
My divorce is not final, yet, but it makes little difference, since, as far as I am concerned, I am no longer wed, and this time (since I have had three total marriages over the course of time, and each has failed in some fashion), I intend to remain so. It's time for me to be the King of Shadows (and evidently, an exile of the so-called "community" that I once knew so well) once more.
At the request of a new friend I've made here, I'm going to be working on a new storyline poem over the next few nights, to a week, entailing two very interestingly similar, yet "polar opposite" topics.
Angels versus Vampires (these days, people seem to enjoy calling them Divine and Demonic) obviously, this isn't quite going to be My personal view of the two, but I will be putting some of my personal concepts into the work, so others can see the difference(s) in view between ideologies.
Personally, I really hope that those who read the coming piece will not only enjoy it, but find a new or different way of looking at things; perhaps from the perspective of either that of both sides, instead of just one.
With that, I let this mark the beginning time of my study into how to place This particular subject into words that people will hopefully come to know well from me.
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