EstrangedOne's Journal


Honor: 40    [ Give / Take ]


14 entries this month

Gotta Fucking Love It... Or Not~~

09:47 Jun 30 2021
Times Read: 339

I never will understand those who cling so strongly to society, as though it will be their ultimate salvation. I don't think it registers to them that perhaps, eventually, their hold to it could even be their ultimate downfall.

Mind you, one of the largest reasons I say this is because, well... I actually used to do the same. Simply put, I wanted to be accepted, have friends, etcetera. But in my every effort, I only found myself constantly burned, stabbed in the back - you can pretty much name the situation or scenario, and I probably had it happen. So, eventually, I just gave up. Some might ask what made someone like me "give up so easily". Yeah, trust me... I didn't simply "give up so easily". Even for as antisocial as I have always been, it took some doing. After the number of times that I got sick of reluctantly placing my trust in people, and having that trust abused and used against me, I became sick of it.

The final straw, however, was with the woman from whom I'm currently (still) working on a divorce from. You see, the entire thing goes far deeper than most might think...
As of Father's Day, three years ago, I lost my one and only chance of having a child of my own, with a woman to whom I was (at the time) engaged to, partly due to her being pregnant. Frankly, it was something that shouldn't have even happened, in the first place. The number of times I've tried prior to her, well... it's absurd. But the woman who became my spouse, at that time, I can actually say that though I couldn't fully show it, I loved her with all of what little I had left in me. But I had to find out, months after the fact, that she had miscarried our child, all while I had absolutely no idea.
Fast forward a few years, and I am now in the midst of a divorce from the woman whom, has since, become a complete bitch, and a whore to boot. Several times throughout our marriage, the woman was unfaithful, yet I still fought myself to forgive her, when I should have just divorced her then. Make no mistake; I know that I made My mistakes, throughout the relationship. But even I didn't go to that level.
Yet, in all that I had to deal with, I still stayed not only faithful to her, but I continued to take care of her, which, in hindsight... the woman clearly didn't deserve. Especially given how many times I had to fight just to have something in my life, which, to this day, I actually do regret.

One thing that even frustrates Me is in the fact that I keep getting drawn back to thinking about it all. Especially the simple fact of our final days "together", since I did nothing but practically break myself to make her happy. Suffice to say, that will never happen again. Even now, I can count and name each thing, day-by-day, that occurred between us, with an almost sickening level of detail (and no, I'm not talking about the "private time" details, either, though one might as well add that, considering it wasn't exactly "private" with her).

But what irritates me, almost more than anything else, is that this woman is just another one of those who is so intent upon being part of society that she makes it part of literally everything that she does. Myself? Not a chance. Hell, this is the only social media that I have, these days, and that is the way I intend to keep it. Furthermore, I live in a place so out of the way, that one would have to travel about ten or fifteen miles, just to find a convenience store. You might as well say that I live in the boondocks, and I'm satisfied with That. The only thing that is dissatisfying lies in the very minute amount of company around me. But apart from that, I am perfectly fine with having minimal contact with the world of society. The way I see it, it is far too easy to let yourself be betrayed by others, when you cling to society so strongly. Ergo, I will never understand why some people are so damn intent upon it, themselves.
Hopefully, however, this should be the last that I feel the need to speak of or write about it (though, sadly, I have a sneaking suspicion that my hopes for that are likely to be burned, as well).




I Actually Look Forward to The Day...

23:13 Jun 22 2021
Times Read: 364

I actually really look forward to being able to get my hands on a damn computer. From now on, though, I trust no one to touch the damn thing, when I finally do. I've allowed myself to trust too many of the wrong people, simply because I wanted to keep a life that I obviously was never meant to have, and Christ in Hell knows that I've paid the price (actually, I remain paying the price for that, even now).
But then again, in the end, it will only be the fuel for a wrath that those who've brought it out of me have not seen in decades, if not longer.
In fact, I'm not sure I trust anyone "simply giving" me anything as a "gift", anymore. It seems to be that too many times, it becomes 'tainted' by treachery.
I've spent too damn long having to fight for literally anything and everything I've had, only to be left with either nothing at all, or minimal of what I've busted my ass to regain. But this time, I'm not having it.




Some people just should not have access to a computer~~

07:34 Jun 22 2021
Times Read: 391

When I say that some people just should not have access to a computer.. take this scenario; some new people that gain access to a site most likely just by being internet trolls or brainless trollops, and then messaging one or multiple people out of the blue only to get insulted when they are minutely cold out on their shit... And Then they block you Because you called them out. Quite frankly, I find this hilarious, and for the most ridiculous of reasons. Mind you I even have a screenshot of the conversation, and the only thing that it tells me is that someone doesn't like intelligent conversation. And people wonder why I say that most socialization is nothing more than cheap thrills or people who can't be bothered to actually use their brains for anything more than finding who they will harass next.
I will put the image of the screenshot up when I have the chance and I'm able to.




A Very... Interesting Piece to Come...

04:09 Jun 20 2021
Times Read: 408

I've just lately thought of a new piece of writing that I'm almost certain will likely provoke some very interesting thought. And the funny thing is that I have the perfect title for it, as well.
I suppose it's about time that I begin working on the longest series of works I've ever done, once I've written the piece I have in mind. For those who keep up on my works, however miniscule they may be... welcome to My insanity, everyone.



06:39 Jun 20 2021

I can't wait:)...


Okay, Am I Missing Something, Here?

21:13 Jun 18 2021
Times Read: 425

I don't know what brought me to it, but every once in awhile, I get the old "wild hair", as they say, to look at things that I've seen, perhaps a hundred times or more - in this case, something in my profile on here. Specifically speaking, my "referrals".
But this time, I look into that page to find a new profile that I haven't even seen, yet, in the new members page(s).


Is there something I'm not getting, here? Or is someone evidently trying to "stalk" me, in a not-very-intelligent way?
The funny thing is that the profile is also already suspended, as soon as it's put up. Apparently, the person isn't yet being "compliant" with the terms of service for the site.

I am actually really wondering about this one, because I don't recall referring anyone here, since I made the mistake of doing so for a former friend and then the woman from whom I'm getting a divorce.




Boy, I Should NOT Have "Tenuous Power"...

16:18 Jun 18 2021
Times Read: 436

Before I go too far into my point, here, I would rather make it known that there is often an odd twist to one having "apparently" lost their mind, as I have.

It feels like ever since I lost everything that mattered to me -my marriage (which was a mistake anyway, but I'm not getting into that right now), ergo my stance and my last sense of purpose, along with everything else that I had fought to keep - my mind has only reached one large "bevel", so to speak.
I keep trying to stand back up without having the difficulty of bumping into something that I don't feel like I have a place stepping into or being near. And because of it, I seem to consistently have the sense of stepping where I no longer belong, and I feel like I really should just keep to my original (and last remaining) tendrils.

I used to be considered one of the higher-ranking "elders" amongst the so-called "vampire community", but I also haven't actually had any part or place in that "community" in quite some time, now. You might as well say that I was unknowingly exiled, though, for what reasons, I have no idea.
But in my time of being 'exiled' and apparently excommunicado from pretty much all I have really known for years (in fact, the past few decades), and yet not really understanding why, it does somewhat strike a chord for me, as a reminder of why I originally tried to avoid these things in the first place.
But since my evident exile, it somewhat feels like a bitter reminder of my own conflicted thoughts that never really seem to end. All I wanted, long before I made the mistake of recent years, was the one thing that I'm apparently not allowed to have. Beyond that, I wished to pass my knowledge and ability along, to open the eyes of those who didn't understand. Evidently, that was another mistake, because I had to rectify more issues than I helped, in passing along any of my deepest "talents".

And trust me, I found out really quickly, why I shouldn't instruct (per say) in something on the web, because That has also ended in disaster, because apparently, when something happens across the globe and it is thought that the instructor lacks the ability to end it... that too, apparently causes an interesting dilemma of question and presumptive thought, which apparently places someone (or more, some Thing) like myself as the monster or "evil incarnate" (and yes, I have actually been called such).

If is ironic, really. In the past two or three decades, I have done more than many people I've known have done in their entire lives, and the worst thing is that this isn't even the tip of the ice berg, for me. Hell, if I were to write a book about my innumerable accomplishments, I don't even think it could be finished for the next thirty years or more. And that's just thinking of everything as one solid tome. But I also know that the likelihood of most wanting to even look at something of the sort is slim at best, simply because i (unfortunately) know a little too well how the human race is, by now. It is sad, however, that it's taken me this long to learn that lesson.

But again... This is why I really wonder, at this point, if I should have any "tenuous power". The level of "care" that I have to take, just to make sure I don't drive someone else insane is absurd. And to be honest, having to keep so many things ever-bottled, by itself, is a curse and a half, as well.




Trying to Fix a Little Mishap...

22:54 Jun 13 2021
Times Read: 483

Either my current phone doesn't like something I'm doing, or I've missed something a little vital. I'm now trying to fix my profile image, yet this thing just won't seem to let me do that.
Well, this is why I need a new computer...
I'm going to try further to fix this one, but I probably can't do much without a proper screen and keyboard. Blasted electronics..



05:30 Jun 14 2021

I hope you can get things fixed hun, hugs


Of All Things, Why This; And Of All Times, Now...?

19:40 Jun 13 2021
Times Read: 494

I swear, I must be an old-fashioned game addict (or something to that effect). I have just now come to the realization that in my past two or three days/nights online, j have been doing two particular things to focus my mind;

Listening to my primary musical tastes (primarily "dark" rock and metal (with some meditation/ritual and war drums thrown into the mix), and playing one massive game of Solitaire...
Now, don't get me wrong. I found, some time ago, that music and games are of the top things that help me focus and clear my mind just enough to think coherently. But when even I end up getting so wrapped up in something of this nature, it tells me two things:
1, I have too much time on my hands.
2, My mind must be absolutely warped out of even my own recognition.

It used to be that I could open a book, play an instrument, pick up a pencil and paper and draw, etcetera... only every once in awhile (typically once a week) would I have to pick up one of my decks of cards and start dealing out columns, or pull out the Chess board and play up a one-sided game (unless I had company, which has always been scarce). But now, I find myself reaching for one of my old decks of playing cards a little too much (alright, I'll "call myself out", here: WAY too much).

Granted, I have in turn been delving back into myself again, and "opening up my old doors" again, in the process of it all. But then again, I have always been a rather strange one in that regard (no pun intended).
I use different methods of things for nearly everything; when I need to, I tend to use the mind as a virtual Chess board (and no, I'm not kidding), and I will actually "move and manipulate pieces of the mind" to either assist or flat out break someone - really, if depends upon whether or not they've done something to piss me off.

But still, to realize that I have had to spend so much time with my brain stuck in music and a deck of cards is almost... disappointing to me. I haven't even been able to write much of y physical journal, let alone my "BOS" in months, or even read a single book since my return to the North. And trust me, it's not for a lack of the reading material, or having nothing to write about or for. It simply feels like being in the place where I currently reside has been little more than imprisoning myself, due to the sorrows of what happened to my life, just a month ago (which, actually, had been building up for the past year, without my knowledge).

I swear, I think I need a change of scenery that I actually feel I can trust.




The Proverb of Two Wolves...

15:30 Jun 13 2021
Times Read: 498

I found myself, earlier, faintly reminiscing the old Native American proverb of the two wolves within each person. An old metaphor in regard to "which side of Self we 'feed' " or fuel the most. But in all honesty, I have my own take in this one...

"Each of us has two wolves within us - a Light wolf, and a Dark wolf - constantly battling for dominance. Which one of them wins or becomes stronger, however, depends upon which one we feed the most."

~ This is a rendition of the original proverb. I'm sure at least some here are familiar with it, if not many.

"Each has two beasts (or wolves) inside, lying in slumber; both always waiting to be awoken and stand in pride of their survival. But which one awakens to rise up depends on what fuels the person within whom those beasts (or wolves) reside."

~~ This is one of my own variations of the same proverb. The more one thinks about it, the more twisted it may seem. But when you have walked through the world as I have, and seen it in the same perspective, I think anyone else would have the same - or a similar - view of the world within and without.

This is simply a little "food for thought", I guess. But strangely enough, as tbe old phrase goes; there is an exemption for everything... that is what makes such a finite world, in fact, so infinite.




Something Highly Ironic, yet... Comical, in my Mind~~

07:39 Jun 13 2021
Times Read: 507

I had something... ... somewhat "funny" in my eyes brought up to me by the man who claims himself my "father", to-night. Something that only reminds me of the numbskulls that both caused it to happen, and claimed I shouldn't have even lived through it all (let alone walked away).

Death, of all things...

Now, I understand that for most people, dying and coming back, or having a "near death experience" (otherwise called "NDE"), gives a person a new take on life; as some might say, "reminding you of how precious life really is, and giving you a new appreciation for it".
Well... not necessarily so, in my case.

You see, in all the time that I have walked this earth (which, I'm not joking when I say I've lost track of that time), I have quite literally walked through things that, even in most works of fiction, a person should not (and likely wouldn't) survive. And trust me, I don't talk about these things to "brag" about it (as I have stated before, in my journals). Instead, I talk about them for the sole purpose of trying to remind others of the simple fact that no matter how "black & white" life appears to be, at the very *minimum*, there is, and always will be the "gray area".

Only in the past two decades, I have endured things that would end the life of anyone else I have ever known (even the strongest of them).
I have been shot (several times),
Stabbed and literally gutted like a trophy animal,
Slashed to pieces,
Impaled (at least twice),
Burned alive (again, at least twice),
Hung with things that don't need to be used for rope,
Run over and thrown into the air by numerous makes of vehicles,
Mauled (and yes, I mean by a bear),
Practically eaten "alive" by what they call "death on eight legs",
Poisoned with everything from concentrate venom to cyanide,
A hatchet blade fully embedded in my skull...

{{And all of this is just over the past twenty years or so.}}

Many of these things, from which, I still have the scars (both psychological and physical). And from nearly all of them, I can tell you that it wasn't just "NDE", but that I actually fully "died". Now, I already know that a lot of people are going to read this and simply dismiss it as "pointless banter of a nut". That is, unless you're one of those who has seen me (even if, more so, on here, that anything) before and thus, you are familiar with me. But the idea of that is neither here nor there (and I honestly could not care less, either).
But one thing that gets me about all of this is something very ironic, in my opinion; a few years ago, I was interviewed by a fairly esteemed writer, named Angela Smith. This woman had asked me a series of questions that I found a little more similar to the book "Interview with the Vampire", but at the same time, I decided to turn it to a slightly differing direction. One of the questions she asked me is "how long have you lived (or been a vampire)?"
Now, obviously, for most, this question would be one of two things; either straight forward, or a little tricky. It usually depends upon who the vampire is (or at least, amongst the alleged "community"). But for me, this was initially a tricky one, because unlike some... I can truthfully tell you that I wasn't always a vampire. But again, I'm veering off topic.

There was a movie playing a couple hours ago, that he thought put the idea of Death and Appreciation of Life into perspective (or at least, to him, it might).
Now, the reason I say that for Me, not so much, is actually fairly simple:

The first one or two times you die, yes, I suppose it would bring you to see another perspective. But after that, you begin to wonder. Especially when you have (nearly or completely) died for a Third time... I have to say, you kind of begin to lose that "appreciation for living", and it begins to turn into a sense of "what the Hell have I done to deserve this?"...

Especially when you have walked for so long, trying desperately to believe that there is something out there "higher than any force of nature or man", that supposedly governs whether you live or die... in all honesty, you start to question whether that "something" actually is real or even has such power... and furthermore, you begin to wonder if there is something else - something other than what you try to believe in - that for so long causes you to basically defy the laws of reality, and thus, essentially, turning that said "reality" into something that pushes even the lines of fiction to the limit.

When I first joined the Rave, and I made a point of letting people know of the things I have survived (and yes, that includes the telling of me becoming a vampire, quite a long time ago), I recall a handful trying to "call me out", as they say, for "claiming to be something so 'fringe' on an already 'fringe' website".
Well, let me be the first one to make it loud and clear that, when it comes to a world "so black & white" as so many see it, if you really think that what I make "claim" of is "so fringe", then you have no idea what "fringe" or "reality" really are.
What most people consider "fringe", I have come to terms with as existence, in general. There is no such thing as "fringe", when you have already walked through the gates of death and "lived on" to tell of it (Hell, for that matter, you end up even losing all fear of death or even the pain or suffering that comes prior to it). However, it also leaves you with a strong lack of "connection" to life, itself (and a big sense of apathy, to boot).

Now, the reason I say I find the whole thing "funny" in a way, is because while I may not look much different from the day I first came here, or the day I met my former fosters, over all this time, I have had to ploy one hellishly big illusion, pulling a wool (so to speak) over the eyes of countless people, time and again. Only a very few have ever seen past the guise and saw the Real me (which, in most cases, that wasn't a good thing). Yet, the one thing I could never seem to hide or disguise is that, "for some reason", no matter what is done to me, I just don't seem to die. In fact, I only seem to get stronger with each passing incident.

I don't know about anyone else (that "anyone else" being you who read this), but these things being brought up, by someone who claims "family" and yet knows with their entire being that they are and have always been TERRIBLE "family" (if that is what they are twisted enough to claim), and then watching that person's jaw nigh hit the floor... one would think that would put things into perspective for both sides, or at least leave one party with something perhaps a little "disturbing" to think about.

This long and short being said; what would be your take of the idea of death, and the "appreciation for life"? Do you lean on it, like a crutch? Or do you use it as a sense of "fuel" go add to your own life?




A somewhat interesting, but odd thought to cross my mind~~

05:54 Jun 13 2021
Times Read: 517

Something I am beginning to find a little comical, even if perhaps a little funky, to a point--
I know I'm not the only one who notices, but I do feel like I'm the only one curious about it. However, I also know that the subject would get little response (or, at least, appropriate response) from asking the question in a more public post. I seem to see it quite a lot, lately, that there are some profiles that have shown as being here for quite awhile. Yet I try to view some of them (in fact, quite a number thereof), and I am met with the screen that says "no such user".
I remember a lot of the profiles that once were quite "popular" on here, so to speak, and I also recall that with some of them, I wasn't exactly one of their... "favourites". And in the same sense if speaking, I also wasn't a big fan of them, either.
But some, I do wonder what all has happened with them, that they no longer seem to have a presence on here, at all. Granted, I suppose, it's not really the most important thing in the world, but it still leaves me curious.




A Big Decision, Long Overdue~~

20:23 Jun 11 2021
Times Read: 544

I have finally made the decision to return fully to my age-old "practice", from long before I ever joined the Rave. It feels as though having been in wedlock (apparently to the wrong one, yet again) and having to restrain myself, just to be a husband - though I initially wanted to be a good husband at my very core - turned out to be a big mistake on my part.
Therefore, returning to myself, completely, feels the best course of action. I've spent too long trying to be something that I am evidently not meant to be, and trust me, I have paid the price for it.

I tried to be the "family man" that I wanted to be for many years over, and instead of even a faint level of success, j was met with absolute failure and heartache.
((See, my wife and I had been together for a few years, already, and in that time, my devotion to Self had dwindled. But when we had first gotten together, I managed to accomplish the one thing that has never been possible for me; she got pregnant with what would have been my first (and likely, my only) child. Unfortunately, my former foster "brother" intentionally caused her a miscarriage, only a week or so before we married, and we didn't even know until we had returned South. Only then, did I find out she had had what the doctors said was a "prolonged miscarriage", which, basically, is very uncommon, as the female body apparently acts (and thinks) like it is still with child until the projected due date, and then when that time would come, it can either be as painful as a full birth, or the body just "drops" nothing.))
In my time between back then and now, I have had to learn (the hard way, as well as being tested) that I am apparently sterile. Ergo, why I say I "managed to get her pregnant" - which we knew, yes, that it was my child - when by Ang and all biological sense... it should not have been possible, in tbe first place.

Needless to say, this woman has since (recently enough) left me to pursue another relationship, which I won't get into (at all, at this point). But the fact remains that the only one thing I ever wanted, I apparently was (and Am) not meant to have. So, instead, j am turning back to my original self, entirely, and I am bringing out the Self that has since made a name and reputation for being, well... I guess you can call it what you want; heartless, monstrous, sickening, twisted, what-have-you. But the point of it being that it is the Real me, once again. And this time, if someone cannot handle it, then I can't help you. And frankly, I will not apologize for who I really am, as I did, the entire time I was in wedlock.

My divorce is not final, yet, but it makes little difference, since, as far as I am concerned, I am no longer wed, and this time (since I have had three total marriages over the course of time, and each has failed in some fashion), I intend to remain so. It's time for me to be the King of Shadows (and evidently, an exile of the so-called "community" that I once knew so well) once more.



05:21 Jun 12 2021

I think we both came to the same conclusion...


At The Request of a New Friend~~

14:58 Jun 04 2021
Times Read: 565

At the request of a new friend I've made here, I'm going to be working on a new storyline poem over the next few nights, to a week, entailing two very interestingly similar, yet "polar opposite" topics.
Angels versus Vampires (these days, people seem to enjoy calling them Divine and Demonic) obviously, this isn't quite going to be My personal view of the two, but I will be putting some of my personal concepts into the work, so others can see the difference(s) in view between ideologies.

Personally, I really hope that those who read the coming piece will not only enjoy it, but find a new or different way of looking at things; perhaps from the perspective of either that of both sides, instead of just one.

With that, I let this mark the beginning time of my study into how to place This particular subject into words that people will hopefully come to know well from me.




The Argumentative--

00:25 Jun 03 2021
Times Read: 603

I knew it was going to happen at some point. I just had no thought that it would be This way...

In having to return to the place of my strongest and deepest personal Hell, one of the most prominent elements happens to be (in all of its irony) my so-called "family". Most particularly, in this case, the individual who calls himself my "father".
Now, I won't get into TOO much detail in regards to the past, as even I try my best to move on, despite my demons. However, one thing I find very funny is in the fact of this man being one of those who are literally so blinded by "faith" in his fallacy of religion that he is 100% convinced that anything other than his belief is a crime, "wrong and a sin", etcetera.
One of the few things that this fool is convinced of, apart from all of this, is his very shallow "medical knowledge". And when I say "shallow", I am not joking. You can't even mention something beyond anemia or heart attack without him being absolutely confused to the level of getting angry.

Well... this man also (over the past two years, as he claims) suffered a heart attack, himself, due to a lack of self care, amongst other things. But in his conviction of these things (one of which being that he fully believes I am his son that disappeared in 1994 (after which, this mentally ill turkey managed to replace his own son with Me (Please, don't ask how that happened - I'll explain that at a latter point)), something that has always "ground my gears", you could say, is that this guy so firmly believes that a person's heartbeat and blood pressure should always be of a very specific range...
Personally, I think that this guy has completely lost his mind in his premature decrepitude.

If I'm not mistaken, I left a journal entry, not too terribly long ago, about something of this subject. And this also is the exact reason for which I don't allow doctors from anywhere to "check my vitals"; they don't seem to like it much when you can stop your heart on command and keep it "dead" for days on end, while still maintaining a fairly strenuous activity level.

But what gets me is that apparently some people seem to believe with their entire being that things always have to be of a set standard... yet they always fail to realize that not all things are the same. But I suppose that's what a frail mind that goes insane does. Personally, I still cannot understand it or figure it out.



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