THIS JOURNAL IS ON 233 FAVORITE JOURNAL LISTSHonor: 318 [ Give / Take ]
21 entries this month
00:59 Nov 30 2010
Times Read: 855
Holy goodness. It's time to pass out juice boxes, blankets and meds.
People get so cranky over dumb stuff.
22:00 Nov 29 2010
Times Read: 866
Wed. we have people coming to view the house. I am excited, nervous and scared. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they like it enough to buy it. I am dreading what if they do and we have to get moving and pack.
I am glad our real estate lady requires people to be pre approved for a loan before they will make an appointment to view. I feel that if people are just looking to look they are being invasive. Yes, we are selling our home, but this is our home. If it was empty that would be a different story. But it's not. She gets that.
I am going to be sad. There are some wonderful memories here, but they will always be with me.
I'll never lose them in my heart and mind.
01:05 Nov 29 2010
Times Read: 877
I need to remind myself to put a pen and paper near my bed tonight. Sometimes when I turn the light off and finish reading I just lay there and so many things go through my mind that I want to remember. Either part of a poem or just a feeling or emotion.
Now watch.. I'll probably forget. :|
21:23 Nov 28 2010
Times Read: 891
Thank the God, the Goddess and the heavens above! I am keeping my fingers crossed that I am not going to be stalked by proxy anymore.
The people behind us run an assisted living place. They had one guy back there that came and helped my dad one time. I answered the door and that's all it took. Then anytime he seen my dad he would always ask about me, tell my dad to have her call me, ask to call here. Then he just stopped over a couple times. It was kinda creepy. Specially after telling him so many times No.
I haven't seen him around in quite a while. I hope he went away. -twitch-
17:30 Nov 28 2010
Times Read: 912
I really, really want to move. I need a 'life' change. I want a new beginning. A new place. A new... well just new.
I wasn't ready before. Now I am and it just seems like it's not happening fast enough.
I am going to miss S. We've known each other a long time. But really it's time. She has her family. She's really became her family and her job. It's hard to find a common ground sometimes because she can't remember what it's like to be single and I can't understand what it is like to lose yourself in family.
Sometimes it's hard, but every moment is worth it. She's a great person and really the only person I have left who I can actually talk about my mom with and not feel sad. We celebrate her when we talk about her. How much we both loved her. It's nice. I'll miss her very much, her husband and her kids, but I just... I need something.. and this place isn't giving it to me anymore.
I need sun. I need warmth. Specially as I get older. It seems as though it gets closer towards Winter, the sun is dimmer and I become the same way. I don't like that feeling.
I am getting really excited and impatient. I hope it happens soon.
03:55 Nov 28 2010
Times Read: 930
Really. I just. Don't. Care.
Over it.
20:36 Nov 27 2010
Times Read: 985
There are a few things I don't think I will ever understand on here. These things just make me.... ponder the sanity of some. Hell, it makes me ponder the sanity of myself since I'm still here. Course I know I'm kinda crazy. I really enjoy it here. I enjoy quite a few of the people. So I don't plan on leaving. Now onto the list!
1. Online threats.
- Seriously you are on a computer. You are miles and miles and miles away. You can't beat people up. And if you can afford to fly some place just to do that. You needa get a hobby.
2. Making fake death announcements.
-After all the years I have been here there have been quite a few. I never understood it. Are people that hard up for attention? I NEVER believe someone died unless I see a formal notice about it. Why? Because people lie about it all the time.
3. People who threaten to leave, but never do.
-Why threaten? Attention? I mean you're really not proving a point. If you aren't going to do it then don't threaten it. It reminds me of one of those desperate chicks that always threaten to leave their boyfriend just so they feel special.
4. People who lie about who they are.
- I don't mean people who make an alias profile and don't want people to know who they are, but those people who just lie about everything. Who they are, what their name is, being pregnant, posts different pictures and swear up and down it is them...etc.. etc.. etc.
5. People who play the victim "I am innocent games."
- No you're not. End of Story.
6. I don't understand how someone who is an adult can fight with someone who is in their teens and then say that the teen needs to grow up. Huh? What? You're an adult act like it.
7. I don't understand how can not like a person but always want to see what they have to say. Personally, if I don't like someone they are dead to me. I don't care what they say. I don't visit what they write. I just have no desire.
8. "I'm half naked in my pictures, but don't hit on me I hate that" Profiles.
- Uhm.. you are half naked. Do you really think they are going to ask you out for a fine dinner and a movie? No, they are going to take you to Taco Bell, get you food off the dollar menu, pop a porn in the portable DVD player, and scrump you in the backseat.
Artistic photography does not apply.
9. The joys of those that know the rules, claim to know the rules but when something happens and they don't follow the rules numerous times they get bent because action had to be taken.
10. People that are just douches to be douches.
-If you're that bored read a book, play with the neighbors, hell play with yourself for all I care, but do you really have to spread your stagnant vinegar and water around?
11. The famous " Now you see why I'll never buy a Premium Membership and support this site!"
- Why? If you hate it so much than why are you here? Yeah, I get some people can't afford to buy a PM, but those are different than the ones that bitch about how they hate the way this place is ran. If you don't like it leave. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
12. Midgets. Okay No, I understand midgets. I love midgets. They are like little balls of cuteness and smallness all wrapped in a mini package! With their short lil arms and legs. Their stubby little fingers.
I want one for Christmas. Boxed and wrapped with a bow.
02:38 Nov 27 2010
Times Read: 1,047
Holy Fuck you are annoying.
Bitch. Whine. Bitch Whine.
You wouldn't be happy if you didn't have something to bitch about. Shut the fuck up already.
17:03 Nov 23 2010
Times Read: 1,079
I had a blast last night with my 'virgin broadcast'. lol I am really diggin' the whole thing. It's fun to hang out with old friends, new friends and people just passing through.
WC kept me up past my bedtime and teased me with homemade punkin pie. I still say you suck. :P
Thanks for a wonderful time. =]
21:06 Nov 21 2010
Times Read: 1,097
Tomorrow Ima mess with the new Cam thingy. It looks like a really fun new feature.
I'd mess with it today but I have wet head, no make up on and I am in my jammies. lol
03:32 Nov 21 2010
Times Read: 1,153
Hmm I wonder who is going to be the first person kicked off for indecent exposure?
-ponders-
02:00 Nov 21 2010
Times Read: 1,174
You are really like an STD. Seriously.
You make me burn, you make me itch and no matter what I do.. you still won't fucking go away.
19:47 Nov 20 2010
Times Read: 1,189
I feel like I don't belong any longer. At a time I was right in there and now, just now, I feel the space.
Maybe subconsciously I did it myself. Or maybe I always knew it would happen and I was biding my time.
I really am unsure on how I feel about it. I just know I feel. What do I feel? I just don't know.
21:21 Nov 19 2010
Times Read: 1,213
My friends lists is smiling with satisfaction. Thanks Abs and sahahria.
boobies and panties everywhere and my mind cannot think.
heh
18:08 Nov 18 2010
Times Read: 1,230
I am reading a book by Cody McFadyen. It's called The Face of Death. While I was reading through the first chapter I came across a part that really made me think.
I find myself facing a mirror with no reflection. The mirror laughs at me. It hee-haws like a donkey, it lows like a cow. I hit it with my fist and the mirror shatters. A purple bruise blossoms on my cheek like a rose. The bruise is lovely, I can feel it.
My reflection appears in the mirror shards.
The voice again: Broken things still catch the light.
Another line from a different chapter:
But for now, the sun can just be the sun. Like the dream-voice said: We broken things, we still catch the light.
I sat back a moment and just thought about those two parts I've read. Different cards of struggles that have I been dealt dancing around in my mind. They being mixing with the parts from the book.
Mentally-
I've faced a lost that was extremely tragic to me. It altered me in ways that I just can't explain. It's added a permanent sorrow to my being that can never be erased by time or any amount of grieving.
I've battled with sporadic bouts of depression and self worth. At times it is still a battle to look in the mirror and see what others have told me they see. It is almost like a fog that makes everything fuzzy and muddled.
I constantly fight with myself on not becoming a reclusive and shutting people out. This goes for friendships and relationships. I've noticed that my friendships have blossomed, but my intimate relationships are still a seed in rich earth waiting to unfold. Mentally, part of that seed has grown and sprouted it's leaves, but the bud is closed tightly waiting for the right moment to blossom into something beautiful. Physically it's like a seed that is afraid of the sun. It knows it needs the sun, but the earth is so rich in comfort it cannot stand the thought of breaking past the outer layer to reach the warmth just yet.
Which brings me to Physical-
I look at myself and see the things that I've battled with. Some of these things I have battled with my whole life; some of these things are newer and still hard to come to terms with.
I've always been a big girl. Even with being active and portion controls, I've always been a big girl. That is a battle I will never win. And sometimes I am okay with it.
I struggle with my limitations after having back surgery. The distances I cannot walk anymore and even the short distances.
The small things that are taken for granted when you are healthy. Which I won't go into detail in here.
Mentally and Physically these things intermix and cause a battle. It's hard to see past that battle. To see who would really want to spend their life with someone like myself. Who would see past my imperfections, both mentally and physically, and fully love WHO I am not what I am.
To fully be able to submit to my feelings and be fully vulnerable enough for someone to experience life with me. And moved past the feeling of being a burden and the feelings of with holding an adventure.
But then I read those things and things started to become unfuzzy a bit.
Whether you are broken mentally, physically or both we still catch the light. The shards that we have left still reflect back a beauty the world can see. While we might feel as though we are never able to be put back together again, there is still that ray of hope that someone will look at the shards and see not just a broken mess but broken pieces of a beautiful imperfection. And all that would add up to make us perfectly us.
And maybe some day in time those shards can be placed back together. Not to be formed as a whole unbroken mirror, but as a mirror that someone spent time with putting the pieces in the right place, forming it to the way it was, piecing it back together with care and love.
While it will never be fully whole again without it's cracks, flaws and imperfections, the mirror will take shape with all of it's different pieces and be made beautiful by each imperfection that it carries.
I did not write this for a pity party. I did not write this for the whoa is me factor. So please don't coddle with me fake emotions and sentiments in order to make me feel better.
I wrote this because as I reveal parts of myself for others to see, and even for myself to see, it brings a strength to my being and my life. It gives me a moment to be able to reread and absorb what I am and what I am becoming as I go through the years.
It also gives me a chance to remember the thoughts I've had when something has touched me deeply.
I am sure some of you understand, while some of you are puzzled. But really that is okay. Not everyone understands the workings of everyone else's mind. ;)
19:58 Nov 16 2010
Times Read: 1,254
It takes one false story to spin things out of control. It's really funny how that happens. It's even funnier on who believes it.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
21:50 Nov 12 2010
Times Read: 1,323
LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO
Ohhh Emmmmm GEEEEEEEE.
THAT is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. No seriously I think I snorted like 10 times by the time I was done reading it. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
hahahahahahahahhahahaha
Midget Sweet Sweet Love Story
23:09 Nov 11 2010
Times Read: 1,352
Reflection-
Yesterday I received a message that was just so pure, raw, genuine it made me flood with emotion. It was just so powerful that I still can't find the words to just.. say.
Between the combination of the powerful message, the saved messages I came across and some things that have currently happened I had a moment... clarity. I think that would be the best word for it.
Being friends with Punkie taught me so much. And even now as I remember some of the moments that we shared, I am still learning.
She taught me that it's okay to be vulnerable. And to be a strong person you don't have to just rely on yourself. It makes you even stronger when you are brave enough to rely on others.
When you can shed that moment of strength and stand emotionally naked in front of someone and say 'this is me and I need you'.
She also taught me that not everyone will be put off by my flaws and not cower because of the disabilities I was left with after surgery.
She taught me patience and so much more.
We are human and we err. It is a given. Whether it be an err in judgement of ourselves or of someone else, we still make mistakes that take moments aways from time. In the positive sense these moments could be filled with wonderful memories. In the negative sense the moments could be filled with bright sun light instead of the pain that they inflicted. Which ever situation it's a lesson and even though it is learned it can still be an err on our part.
This lead me to another piece of clarity-
It takes a stronger person to stand up and claim they were wrong instead of pointing fingers at everyone else. This even goes for when there are others that are to blame. There is nothing more freeing than standing up and saying "I was wrong. I should not have let what they did influence me. I should have reflected on who I was, what I know was right and not did what I did."
We are responsible for our own actions. Even if someone uses us as a pawn in their games, we allow it to happen. So we should free ourselves from the shackles they've cast and stand for ourselves, not for them.
Real friendship does not involve games, deceit or the need to fill the ego of one or the other. it also does not mean that one friend with dictate to the other what is acceptable and not acceptable.
I've learned that some people are blind to certain things because they chose to be. You cannot tell someone the sky is blue if they are under a self delusion of it being pink. Also you cannot open their eyes to the true nature of a person unless they want to see it. Sometimes self disillusionment is a dangerous thing.
To be a self proclaimed 'bitch' and threaten people with your bitchiness is overrated and just not attractive. It doesn't make people scared. It doesn't make people want to be your friend. It just makes you look like someone who is cold and not an enjoyable person. The world is a lonely place when you've back yourself into a corner.
To be mean for the sake of entertainment and popularity is cowardly.
I think one of the most important things I've noticed lately is that it's easy for a person to declare that they have changed or want to change. It is a lot harder, or even impossible, for it to actually happen. But I guess it's hard for it to actually happen when the person is stuck in the same never ending cycle.
14:57 Nov 06 2010
Times Read: 1,429
I swear some people need to stop taking their "let's be asshole" pills before posting in the forum.
Or here's a novel idea, just stop being an asshole in general! But I am sure it won't happen because it's hard to understand a new concept.
23:47 Nov 02 2010
Times Read: 1,453
How said is this-
I am in no discomfort in my mouth. No crying at ALL. And no swearing.
HOWEVER, I get mash tatters from KFC because that's the simple solution to eating and spill gravy down my effin leg... and cry. :|
Seriously, how messed up is that!
14:59 Nov 02 2010
Times Read: 1,472
YAY my teefs are out!
I kept 'em. they are creepy.
RECENT MEMBER PAGES
Termagant (58)
Venerable Sire (135)
Venerable Sire (135)
REAL VAMPIRES LOVE VAMPIRE RAVE
Vampire Rave is a member of
Page generated in 0.1871 seconds.
COMMENTS
-
Bones
01:57 Nov 30 2010
You can keep the juice boxes and blankets, but I'll take the meds, thank you! ;)
DrCullen
02:50 Nov 30 2010
I may not be cranky, but can I still have the juice box? D:
ladySnowStrixx
17:20 Nov 30 2010
stamps foot!* mine Where,s mine ..... I wants my blankey and juice . seepy !
RedQueen
21:48 Nov 30 2010
I think mandatory naps would do wonders for people around here...