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I was really on the fence about working Faire this season, given everything going on. But, I figure some extra money coming in won't be awful. I'll be exhausted, yes, but it's worth it. This really will be my last season at the Faire I grew up attending and having the pleasure of working, and that's really going to make it bittersweet. I need to get in touch with Andrew at some point next month, though if I can't get a response from him via text, I'll just attend one of the hiring days next month and put in my application then. It's going to be a lot, for sure, but the seven weekends go by in a flash.
I had to look into getting some new pieces of garb, as last season wasn't exactly kind on my clothing. I ripped the shit out of my skirts on the last day, getting caught on the rough wood in the booth. So, new skirts are definitely needed. I need to also look into my chemises and figure out how to fix the grommets on my bodice. I love that bodice, and it's usually the most expensive piece of garb, so if I can keep wearing the amazing one I got for $80 bucks, I'd rather do that. I do need to get some new shoes, too. My Darth Vader Adidas are not period appropriate, and they aren't the most comfy when I'm standing on my feet for eight hours. I'd love to get a nice pair of renny boots, but I'm not willing to pay $500+ right now. Or probably ever... Though Son of Sandler makes some amazing shoes... But yeah. I really just need to learn how to sew so I don't have to keep buying things like circle skirts.
I feel so tired all of the time. Emotionally, physically, mentally, just drained, always. It's so hard to focus on things most days.
The weather isn't helping, it's been in the high 70s/low 80s for the past handful of days. It's still February, we haven't even hit spring yet, but that's SoCal for you. I hate it.
Decided to try and work Faire one last time this year. I had told everyone that last season would be my last, but the move went slower than I expected, so, here we are. I need to get two new skirts, as the ones I always wear got ripped to shit at the end of last season and I just don't want to bother trying to sew them up again. If I really had the money, I'd get all new garb, probably more masculine, with pants and such, but I don't have a couple hundred to throw down for Faire garb when I don't know when I'll go to a Faire again.
I summoned the courage to talk to my mom about me being non-binary tonight. It went better than I expected, as she assured me she would do her best to honor my chosen pronouns, but that I shouldn't be angry if she slips up. That's perfectly reasonable to me. She's known me for 37 and a half years as being her daughter, her girl, so expecting her to be able to use they/them without any slip ups seems unreasonable. As long as she actually tries, that's what matters. She also told me it wouldn't change my dad's mind, so it would probably be best not to tell him. And I know that, and it hurts. This is who I am, and to have to hide it from my own father, sucks. She said if was really important to me, to tell him, but don't expect him to respect it. While it is important to me, she's probably right. It just isn't worth the effort, it's just going to be a fight.
I guess one parent who accepts me is better than neither of them accepting me. But it does really suck to not be able to fully be myself with my own family.
Sending strength and vitality. Congratulations on being yourself.
07:43 Feb 17 2025 Times Read: 326
Well, I'm back home for a few days, I'll be heading back out to Logan's Thursday evening. It's just been difficult. I didn't know what to say, not that any words would make any of what he and his family are dealing with any easier, but I just feel like there was more I could have done. I've never lost a parent, and he's lost both of his biological parents now. I've faced a lot of death, but not yet on that level. So, it's hard. All I can do is what I've been doing, be there for him, spend time with him, allow him to express his emotions because he constantly feels like he can't. I don't know if it'll ever get easier, but we'll get through this.
Logan's mom passed away a little before 1 this morning. We were all in the room when they did it, and while it was so hard to be there, I'm glad I was able to be there. But now... Now comes the aftermath. She was such a connecting force in the house, and now it will never feel the same. I hate that she and I didn't really get to know one another better, but I am grateful of the time we did have. She was such an amazing person. I'm going to miss her immensely.
Logan is handling things better than I expected. But, it's what he was raised for, to be the pillar of stone in the family. He was raised to take over when his mom passed. And now we're here. And it's hard.
Losing a parent is very hard. I lost my mom over 20 years ago and my dad just over 3. There is still a part of me that grieves after all this time. That line people say 'Time heals all wounds' is b.s. The days will get easier, but the loss is till there.
Remember the good times. Laugh about them and tell the stories with love. She might be gone, but keep that part of her alive.
My condolences on his loss and your loss. My thoughts are with you.
22:25 Feb 11 2025 Times Read: 496
It's been a rough couple of days... And things aren't going to get better anytime soon.
I may not be around much for a while. Logan's mom is... She's not doing okay and I want to try and be here for his family as much and in any capacity that I am able. So... Yeah.
I told Logan I was non-binary last night, and his response was pretty much, "yeah, I know. And?" . And then I threw up. Because stress, yay!
I have felt this way for a number of years, it's always been there, in the back of my mind. And then at the biginning of this year, I really felt like it was time to just embrace it fully. He's the first person I've told because, as I told him, I know he'd always accept me, but I can't say the same for my family. I don't know what they would say if I voiced it to them. I honestly don't think they would accept the change in pronouns, and that hurts me so much. It's been something that I've had to grapple with on my own, because I can't voice it to anyone else. And now with the felon back in office, and with all his anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation, I can't really talk a out it with anyone else. I don't feel safe. But I know out of everyone, Logan would understand, Logan would accept me for me. He's open-minded and he has the training to understand the mental side of it. Which, I think, is why he saw it when no one else has.
This is a big step for me. I'm fully understanding myself and what it means for me to be non-binary. I'm not going to ask anyone to change the pronouns they use when talking of/to me. While I would prefer to go by they/them, I'm not opposed to she/her. I have to accept it from my family, so it's not that big a deal to me. I do think, if I work Faire this year, I will get a bone pin with they/them on it so patrons can address me as such. Faire people are always good about that.
Have you ever lied... lmfao. So many opportunities. Alas you already answered. lol
That was such a fantastically well thought out question doe.... Intrinsically related to the post.
00:45 Feb 08 2025 Times Read: 699
It's never been a secret that I'm a huge nerd for Greek and Roman mythology. I mean, with profile names like Pygmalion, Nike, Virgil. Yes, Virgil was more from Dante's Inferno, but he was a very real poet in ancient Rome. But yeah, my love for Greek and Roman mythology is, like my love for the written word, due to my mother. She instilled that love in me when I was a child, and it's something that has stuck with me all my life. I'm probably more into the myths than she ever was at this point. I can't remember the first time I actually read the Odyssey, it was probably at some point in middle school, around the same time I read Beowulf in the original Old English (or rather attempted to, I needed all the translations early on). We read excerpts in English class, I remember. But I was introduced to the story before that. I knew about Odysseus, Penelope, Circe, Calypso, all of them. I can't say it was ever my favorite of the ancient writings, but it was always a fascinating story to me.
All that said, there's a musical made by Jorge Rivera-Herrands called EPIC, which is a musical adaptation of the Odyssey. It's pretty amazing, I'm not going to lie. I've kept up with it on and off over the years since hearing about it. The final chapter, or saga as they're called, debuted on Christmas of last year. I finally sat down and gave the full thing a listen last night, and I was just blown away. People have made animatics to go along with the music, and there are compilation videos of all the animatics for each song put together to reveal a rough movie-like watching expeirance. If you have about two and a half hours, I absolutely recommend finding one of these compilations and giving it a watch, it's worth it. This song is one of my favorite, and it's been playing in my head all day. So, I wanted to share. As I said, if you have the time, give the whole thing a listen, it's well worth it if you're a fan of musicals and epic story-telling.
There is very little in the world today that I find comfort in, but at the top of that short list will always be Logan. We finally get a weekend together after a month of being apart. And while those weeks were long and difficult, I am thankful he was able to spend the extra time with his daughter. I will never tell him to spend time with me over her, that's not the kind of person I am or ever want to be. So, I waited patiently and now we get to put things back on track. I'm looking forward to just being able to be with him in person. These last three weekends apart have literally been the longest we've not seen one another in the entirety of our three+ years together. So... It was rough. But I get to spend the weekend with him, I get to see Masque, who has gotten so big and grown up in the last month. I'm really looking forward to it. I need it. I know, once I'm there with him, all the troubles and anxieties and fear I have will just wash away. He makes me feel so secure, so safe.
I've been really ill since last Thursday evening with food poisoning. Today is actually the first day I feel back to what I consider normal. I haven't really eaten much, that hunger hasn't been there, and then couple that with a complete distrust of food right now, it's been miserable. On Thursday Logan's mom was also taken to the ER, and it isn't great news. So that's been constantly on my mind. It's such a horrible feeling to not be able to do anything for the person you love. I can't even be there with him right now. It just feels like, with everything going on in the world, that this year is not going to be a great one. It was supposed to be our beginning, the move, getting set up in our own home, I don't know what's going to happen now. And that's put me in a pretty dark mental space. I don't know... Everything has just gone to shit since January 20th.
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