The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Before I start, I would like to just say that this is in no way a religious debate.

My question is simple, although the answer may not be. Do you think that a vampire (a person who feeds off another in any sense) who is a devout to whatever religion they may follow spends their life repenting for their "sinful" lifestyle? Is vampirism even sinful at all? And if they spend their life repenting, do you think their attempts are futile? Why?

Whether or not modern vampirism is "sinful" depends on many factors.

1) Does the individual feed off of donors who give of themselves of their own free will, or do they forcibly attack and feed from the unwilling? If the first case it may still be considered "sinful" depending on other factors, in the second case, yes it is sinful.

2) What religious group does the individual belong to? Some forbid the consumption of ANY blood, others make no mention of it.

3) What is the INTENT of their actions? Are they doing this for malevolent reasons, to cause hrm to the donor, or are they simply fulfilling a need / want and causing & intending no harm?

I guess what I am saying is that in my opinion vampiric activities do not automatically fall under the catagory of sin. I see no reason a practicing modern vampire could not belong to and follow the tenants of several main stream religions and not have to feel sinfull or the need for repentance.

I missed responding to the last part of your question.

If a vampire (or for that matter anyone) engages in behavior that their religious beliefs consider sinful and seek repentance yet continue the "sinful" behavior, the repentance is in vain.

This calls into question the wisdom of the individual in question. If you feel the need to continually engage in behavior that your religious affiliation deems sinful and inappropriate, why do you remain associated with that religion? You would be better off seeking a different path for your spiritual / religious needs.

Hm... K, thanks for that indepth response. I'll give a Hollywood example, for lack of anything better. Take... Louis from IwtV. If I remember correctly, he was some form of Christian. For the longest time he fed of animals because he felt it morally wrong to take from human beings. He took Claudia in, acted as a father figure for her. In a sense, I think he was clinging to his human morality and trying to escape from the "sinful, damned" nature of the vampire status.

Not sure if I used the right words for that explanation... but I hope you understand what I'm trying to get across.

My thoughts are simply this. Is it sinful to survive? There have been several instances where someone had to do something against their beliefs...to survive. Plane crashing in the mountain and people eating the dead to survive. Was that a sin? No matter how devout someone is...their beliefs may change with their own circumstance.

It depends on the person and their beliefs, I mean, who can assure you that your religion is correct? and I have nothing against religion, but think about it, It was a man who created religion and those rules, a man chose what was right and what was wrong, and also it has a lot to do with what KFCR said, Does the vampire feed from donors or attack its victims?
Now, If the vampire believes it is okay what he does, then he won't regret it and repent it.
If, the vampire believes it is wrong, then he should try feeding from animal blood.

I don't believe that vampyrism by itself is sinful in nature. This is a natural process that must be followed. Saying this I will also say that I do not believe it would be futile if an individual felt that they must repent.

It would depend on the religion I suppose... There are so many different answers to this question based on variables in religious beliefs. In some instances vampirism would be no more sinful than eating a rare steak...lol The only thing is..if the vampire felt he/she was doing something against his/her religion..and felt the need to repent for it..I agree as it was stated earlier..that religion may not be the best choice for them to follow. It's difficult to find absolution when you plan to continue the behavior that caused you to repent to begin with.

As the first instance of the word "Upir' (from whence our modern term "vampire" directly derives) had specific reference to an Orthodox Christian Priest ("Father Upir' Likhyj"), obviously religion and vampirism (as it historically existed) are not mutually exclusive terms.

Frankly, my research seems to indicate that Father Upir' regarded highly at least some of the foundational moral principles of his Orthodox Christian religion. It also provided him the only means in Medieval Eastern Europe to become as highly educated as he obviously was. And finally, the Eastern Christian Church was also the only Christian branch by that date to permit its priests to benefit from all the education of its impressive institutes of learning without requiring that they be celebate.

And where the true historic origins of "vampirism" are explored, this acceptance of sexuality would have been crucial to all such true "vampires." ;)

I think it would depend on the religion said vampire was. If a vampire of was christian faith and felt a conviction of what they were doing then I would say it would be sinful to them due to the conviction they feel. If a vampire were of pagan beliefs and felt he or she were doing no wrong then I would say it isnt sinful.

I think sin is dependant on the person. If you are doing something on the sole purpose of surviving and you feel no conviction of your actions then why would it be sinful?

I see it in a simple manner really. It's part of the nature of the person, so it can't be wrong. That would be like saying snakes are wrong for swalling their food whole or something like that. If the religion goes against the person's nature then maybe the religion is flawed? This isn't to say that this works for all things. I mean, I really don't beieve killing is part of persons nature or persolnality, so it couldn't be used to excuse that or anything...

Depends on whether the one who believes himself to be a vampire feels guilty or not. It's just like a devout Catholic, Jew, or Muslim living in guilt for sins they commit.

Some people embrace their behavior without a glance backward. This would be no different.

Ahh, an excellant question indeed, to the point that must be made, of what religion do you talk of? If may be of christianity then Acts 15:29 It says of not to drink blood. Also yes it is able to repentant if one does cease to continue.

I do have some conflict with my religion and vampirism. My religion is catholic and of course, it doesn't condone blood drinking. I just have to pick and choose. I do not do penance as I do not believe I'm doing wrong because it's not a choice for me.

I don't wish to become highly embroiled in a debate about Catholicism or any other religion per say but I believe that most established Christian religions don't offer their beliefs a la carte. The bible, if one believes it to be a representative word of God, is fairly clear that drinking blood is a sin. In fact, blood drinking is one of the few sins to make it into both the Old and the New Testament so this is the same as eating pork or growing a beard.

Granted there are Christians that like to think of the bible "more as a guideline than a rule per say" (if I may quote Pirates of the Caribbean). However, if one claims to be part of a particular sect of Christianity (like Methodist or Baptist or Catholic) then I believe they look at the bible as Divinely Inspired...or more to the point as "the word of God" and they're pretty strict on their rules and commandments.

Again I am forced to remind everyone...

...as the original Slavic accounts make no mention of actual blood drinking, Christianity's condemnation of same ceases to be an issue, especially in the case of the 11th Century Priest, "Father Upir' Likhyj.

Blood drinking had already worked it's way into the topic and is a reflection of modern thoughts or opinions on vampires regardless of it's etymological accuracy.

Today, a vampire is either the one's we read about in fiction and folklore, or the psy/sang variety.

However, Upir, your sexual vampire applies to the discussion as well though in that sexually feeding off of someone until they are near death could be construed as a form of parasitic nature or if nothing else, borderline assault...unless the history also speaks to the fact that women were always satisfied and forever grateful for their 24 hour+ marathons of lust...but that tends to make women out to be rather shallow in their physical needs.

I in no way sin, because I consume blood from another. I always have permission. I don't believe that being a Vampire is anymore sinful than anyone else. After all, we are human beings. We feel, we lust, we sin. So what do you think?

FelixFelix,

Absolutely there was female participation. It was (and is) most certainly 100% consentual. This explains why the females were exhausted thereafter, as well. They benefitted as much as did the "vampires," which is what sparked the male jealousies that had them so forcefully trying to scare women away via the vilifications of them as "blood drinkers," the "Undead," etc.

FelixFelix,

... as for the misogyny inherent to your assumption that women must be shallow if they desire to enjoy fully their insatiable natures, such attitudes mirror well those of most men who cannot experience such, themselves. Thus, those that can... and do... must be "shallow."

I hope that this discussion will stay on track.

as do i Stabb...

Now, as a response to everyone... in almost every religion I can think of taking something which is not your own (be it energy, blood, etc., and whether the donor is willing or not) is well... bad (as im tossing the word "sin" too freely here). In a lot of cases, those who feel they have reached the bottom turn to a higher power for help (in other words, a vampire may continue to be religious to help them cope, if anything) or forgiveness for what wrongs they have done. They may also cling to their religion to keep some humanity... perhaps in high hopes that their continued survitude will aid them in the long run. However, the question still remains... is it a futile attempt?

It depends on the religion that said vampire follows I would have to say..on another point we are what we are and is it a sin to want to survive...??

I'm in complete agreement with Chordewa. Sometimes religion will conflict with the need to survive. So if we're talking about Hollywood vampires that NEED blood to live....well, then, that would be like those of us that eat cows and chickens and pigs...and even vegetarians 'cause when you eat a carrot didn't it have to be dug up and perhaps nicely shaved for your salad? This is called the food chain. Some things must die for others to live. It's very simple. So does it make it a sin to kill these things in order to survive? If it does...then I'm a sinner from way back! lol

If we're NOT talking about Hollywood vampires and drinking blood to survive...well, I'm just not gonna go there. Too many toes to step on...

DemianA- I have climbed out of that box, but due to my lack of knowledge of relgions such as those you listed I decided it better that I not say anything. I am, however, grateful that you brought them into the discussion as they should be and very much so are included in this thread.

being a vampire is a religion and with that come our own rules, i do not think it is sinful to be a vampire, i suppose it all depends on what religion it is that you are following

There was mention of survival herein. It should be noted that with most religions and especially with most Judeo-Christian religions, there is not a clause for survival. Indeed in most of these texts, what's wrong is wrong and if (as had been posted) a person was stranded in a plane crash and needed to resort to cannibalism to survive, most religions would still consider the act of eating the dead a sin.

As for the fictional vampire like Louis who tried to eat animals to avoid becoming what he was, we have only to look at the principles in fiction that such a vampire is an afront to God and nature and therefore a sin merely by being and not by action or subject to redemption.

And we musnt forget that no matter who or what we are, no religion we abide by will change nor can we morph the meaning of it's laws just because we want it to be so. Not to mention, that just because something has changed, doesn't mean that one would be willing to give up relgion just because one doesn't fit in with it.

The Catholics believe that if you practice anything except for Catholocism then you are condemned. I, myself, am Irish Catholic and a Celt....and we all know how ignorant the romans are :))

Let me say this God or who ever made us,Made to be who and what we are. as it is said he LOVES ALL OF HIS CHILDREN so in my eyes no we are just doing what we are ment to do. but from the outsiders point of view we are sinful as is many things that is not what they live by.

As a testament to the strength and strict interpretation of Catholic belief, it is still a tenant of the Catholic church that you must agree to believe that the "Holy Eucharist" underwent a mystical transformation when taken and that it actually became the body and blood of Christ and was not as many feel, a metaphor.

LONA- If whatever "God" we speak of loves all his children, as he made all of them, why are so many of them condemmed in the eyes of many different churches for being who "God" made them to be?

hang on - dont all catholics drink blood? i mean, the sacrament is wine which is magically turned into the blood of christ, and they are commiting a sacred act by drinking it. to a truly devout evangalist, almost everything is a sin anyway. in my experience such people just love to wallow in the guilt of imagined sins. the more they sin, the more they can punish themselves, and the more joy it creates in heaven when they repent.

i notice a lot of posters on this site seem to believe implicatively in the bible, word for word. so either they believe themselves to be the damned offspring of demons - or they are not really vampires at all, but religious extremists hoping to track down vampires through this site so they can put them to death - all in the name of god, of course.

Its completely different for a Catholic to drink "the blood of Christ" whereas a vampire drinks the blood of an innocent being who is in no way a "holy" figure. By comparing these two aspects, a statement is made that the victims of a vampire are in fact Christ himself. Thats how I took it, and thats my two cents.

Nope..do u feel guily eating meat, because the cow was killed..most do not.unless u be a die hard vegan.
I do not simply"take" energy or blood without asking first.

well that is just the point - to be a vampire, yet a follower of a faith that declares vampirism to be evil, or that vampires are demons is rather like a die hard vegan eating a big mac.

Some may repent there sins, some may not. it all depends on the person.

as you said my sister we are condemmed in the eyes of many different churches for being who "God" made us to be, but not in Gods eyes so in my point of view fuck what the rest think of us. sorry for my words. but as long as I am good with my Gods and Goddesses I don't care what any one eles thinks of me I live for me and me alone.

I was brought up in the church,forcivly inducted by my parents,but as I have mentioned,my affinity has alway been elsewhere,Even though I did have faith in christ,I was an outcast in the church,was made to feel different,and I knew I was.everything the church says is sinful are pleasures and rights that go with being human.So i awakened and fought the brainwashing that had been enforced,then the night came when my vamp awakening happened.Freedom was mine.I respect other peoples and kindreds beliefs,but what I,m saying here is my own experiences and I feel more better with myself now than I did when i was in the chuch.

part 2.one thing I forgot to mention,the only part I agree with in the church,is though shall not commit murder.Although I,m a vampire i,m not a killer.ive found my ways of sustaining the thirst.But to all my kindred that do,enjoy the thrill of the hunt its your eternal right.I love and respect you the same.

my sister I found a site you might like to see I like what I read so here is the link.


http://www.religioustolerance.org/vampire.htm

karnstein - I would agree that there are those that have claimed to be both a vampire and a believer in the Christian Bible. I don't understand how that is balanced in their eyes. However, I also have read of thousands or millions who believe in the Christian Bible and have broken other 'commandments' without repent or even acknowledgment of their 'sin'. So perhaps they simply have not come to realize their hypocrisy.

There are plenty of other religions too and while I don't see them represented as well in this thread, it is easy to understand that 'sin' is most typically a judeo-christian concept as is the need for 'holy redemption' and is likely the reason for that.

No I do not feel that anyone who follows the vampire lifestyle and who asks thier donors to take blood from them must repent for thier "evil" ways.

But a person who doesn't ask before they take a persons blood will have to pay some kind of repentance. Because as with anything if you take without asking it is stealing. And a violation of that persons body.

i think one would be hard pressed to find a religion that believes vampires are not sinning. but who is to say one sin is greater than the other?

however, i do believe that a vampire can be spiritual. when faith is internalized into ones own belief system and not required to adhere to others dogmatic beliefs, they can grow spiritual and conduct services just as any other religious individuals can grow through there devotion to their relgion.

define "vampyrism" for a more exact response. Do you mean blood-drinking, or something different/more? Also, to re-iterate what others have mentioned before me: Do they get their blood from willing donors, or through malicious attacks? If they are merely drinkiing blood for sustenance, and get it from willing donors, then I don't see how that coudl be 'sinful.' And if they are christian, they probably drink the 'blood' of Christ on a regualr basis, so I really don't see how that religion at rhe least, can veiw vampyrism as sinful. There have actually been claims to Jesus Christ as a vampyre himself. (Hey, that may make for a good discussion- off to start my own thread, as I don't currently have really any more to contribute to this one.)

AshiburzSangueDeVie,

I entirely disagree with your assertion in regards to Jesus and secondly, this forum has seen numerous recent attempts to define the term 'vampire'.

If you would take the time to read through some of the older threads on the topic, you will find that the subject is getting tired of late.

i don't think that vampirism is bad of sinful, but then again i don't know much about the religion. i personally don't practice any religion.

I think that a vampire is perfectly capable to practice any religion of their choosing while remaining clean of sin.

This depends though, on the definition given to 'sin'. It is a highly individual thing as is anything related to spirituality or religion. If the vampire feels that his life is sinful and wishes to cleans himself to repent, and feels that throwing himself in the sun is the only way to do it, he should be free to make that choice. Conversely, if the vampire feels that his decadent lifestyle and the potential to take the lives of others to ensure his survival is not sinful, he should be free to make that choice.

The 3rd person perspective is irrelevant to me when it comes to religious practices, etc. What a person, vampire or not, feels is 'sin' is ultimately between himself and whatever diety or lack thereof.

Well I think that everyone needs some sort of religion in there life- no matter what religion it is
I just don't see how its possible for a vampire to practice any sort of Christian or Islamic religion because of what they believe in. TO ME it is an oxymoron and I'm sorry if anyone is offended by that. If there are any practicing Christian Vampires here, I'd like to know how you manage?

In Judaism, in the light of the Torah, it was believed that blood was the container for the soul, it was that which fed the soul, nourished it and kept it alive. For this reason the consumption of blood is prohibited.
Christianity too is inescapably blood based. Old Testament writers describe blood sacrifices in painstaking details and their New Testament counterparts layer those symbols with theological meanings.
The word "blood" occurs three times as often as the "cross" of Christ, five times as frequently as "death." And daily or weekly, we commemorate Christ's death with a ceremony based on his blood.
From a biblical perspective, as noted by Stephen Peele (The Blood of the Covenant, 2003):
"Blood to the believer is like oil to an engine, neither can survive without it".
Blood is understood as an appeasement to God, first exemplified in the Garden of Eden by his slaughter of two animals to cover the sins of Adam and Eve. Peele argues, with detailed scriptural evidence, that the significance and power of the blood shed by Jesus is demonstrated from eight perspectives:
• redemption
• propitiating
• cleansing
• forgiveness
• access to God
• justification
• sanctification
• commemorative celebration

The role of blood is strongly stated for Christianity as follows:
“I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me”. (John 6:53-37, NIV).
Peele further indicates the manner in which wine was understood to substitute for blood in celebration:
• in the Old Testament: "He washes his garment in wine, and his robes in the blood of grapes." (Genesis 49:11); "of the blood of grapes you drank wine." (Deuteronomy 32:14)
• in the New Testament (on the occasion of the Last Supper): "This is the new covenant in My blood" (Matthew 26:28; Luke 22:20; I Corinthians 11:25), indicating that the juice represented His blood which would be shed in sacrificial death.


FROM THE CHRISTIAN HOLY BIBLE

Revelation 16:6
for they have shed the blood of your saints and prophets, and you have given them blood to drink as they deserve."

Revelation 17:6
I saw that the woman was drunk with the blood of the saints, the blood of those who bore testimony to Jesus.

Leviticus 17:11
For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one's life.

Leviticus 17:14
because the life of every creature is its blood. That is why I have said to the Israelites, "You must not eat the blood of any creature, because the life of every creature is its blood;

Deuteronomy 12:23
But be sure you do not eat the blood, because the blood is the life, and you must not eat the life with the meat.


Proverbs 30:14
those whose teeth are swords and whose jaws are set with knives to devour the poor from the earth, the needy from among mankind.

Job 29:17
I broke the fangs of the wicked and snatched the victims from their teeth.


Zechariah 9:7
And I will take away his blood out of his mouth, and his abominations from between his teeth: but he that remaineth, even he, shall be for our God, and he shall be as a governor in Judah, and Ekron as a Jebusite.

Micah 7:2
The good man is perished out of the earth: and there is none upright among men: they all lie in wait for blood; they hunt every man his brother with a net.

Lamentations 4:14
They have wandered as blind men in the streets, they have polluted themselves with blood, so that men could not touch their garments.

Colossians 1:20
And, having made peace through the blood of his cross, by him to reconcile all things unto himself; by him, I say, whether they be things in earth, or things in heaven.

Additions to Esther (Apocrypha) 16:5
Oftentimes also fair speech of those, that are put in trust to manage their friends' affairs, hath caused many that are in authority to be partakers of innocent blood, and hath enwrapped them in remediless calamities.

Romans Chapter 3
13: Their throat is an open sepulchre; with their tongues they have used deceit; the poison of asps is under their lips:
14: Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness:
15: Their feet are swift to shed blood:
16: Destruction and misery are in their ways:
17: And the way of peace have they not known:
18: There is no fear of God before their eyes.

Wisdom of Solomon Chapter 12
3: For it was thy will to destroy by the hands of our fathers both those old inhabitants of thy holy land,
4: Whom thou hatedst for doing most odious works of witchcrafts, and wicked sacrifices;
5: And also those merciless murderers of children, and devourers of man's flesh, and the feasts of blood,

1 Chronicles 11:19
And said, My God forbid it me, that I should do this thing: shall I drink the blood of these men that have put their lives in jeopardy? for with the jeopardy of their lives they brought it. Therefore he would not drink it. These things did these three mightiest.

1 Maccabees (Apocrypha) 7:17
The flesh of thy saints have they cast out, and their blood have they shed round about Jerusalem, and there was none to bury them.

Proverbs 1:11
If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause:

Proverbs 1:16
For their feet run to evil, and make haste to shed blood.

Proverbs 1:18
And they lay wait for their own blood; they lurk privily for their own lives.

Proverbs 6:17
A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,

Proverbs 12:6
The words of the wicked are to lie in wait for blood: but the mouth of the upright shall deliver them.

Proverbs 29:10
The bloodthirsty hate the upright: but the just seek his soul.

Luke 11:50
That the blood of all the prophets, which was shed from the foundation of the world, may be required of this generation;

Luke 11:51
From the blood of Abel unto the blood of Zacharias, which perished between the altar and the temple: verily I say unto you, It shall be required of this generation.

2 Esdras (Apocrypha) 15:58
They that be in the mountains shall die of hunger, and eat their own flesh, and drink their own blood, for very hunger of bread, and thirst of water.

1 Samuel 14:32
And the people flew upon the spoil, and took sheep, and oxen, and calves, and slew them on the ground: and the people did eat them with the blood.

1 Samuel 14:33
Then they told Saul, saying, Behold, the people sin against the LORD, in that they eat with the blood. And he said, Ye have transgressed: roll a great stone unto me this day.

Genesis 9:5
And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.

Genesis 9:6
Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.

Genesis 42:22
And Reuben answered them, saying, Spake I not unto you, saying, Do not sin against the child; and ye would not hear? therefore, behold, also his blood is required.

Revelation 18:24
And in her was found the blood of prophets, and of saints, and of all that were slain upon the earth.

Psalms 9:12
When he maketh inquisition for blood, he remembereth them: he forgetteth not the cry of the humble.

Psalms 16:4
Their sorrows shall be multiplied that hasten after another god: their drink offerings of blood will I not offer, nor take up their names into my lips.

Pslams 51:14
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.

Hebrews 2:14
Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil;

Numbers 11:33
And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

Micah 3:5
Thus saith the LORD concerning the prophets that make my people err, that bite with their teeth, and cry, Peace; and he that putteth not into their mouths, they even prepare war against him.

Mark 9:18
And wheresoever he taketh him, he teareth him: and he foameth, and gnasheth with his teeth, and pineth away: and I spake to thy disciples that they should cast him out; and they could not.

Deuteronomy 32:24
They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust.

Lamentations 2:16
All thine enemies have opened their mouth against thee: they hiss and gnash the teeth: they say, We have swallowed her up: certainly this is the day that we looked for; we have found, we have seen it.

Daniel 7:5
And behold another beast, a second, like to a bear, and it raised up itself on one side, and it had three ribs in the mouth of it between the teeth of it: and they said thus unto it, Arise, devour much flesh.

Daniel 7:7
After this I saw in the night visions, and behold a fourth beast, dreadful and terrible, and strong exceedingly; and it had great iron teeth: it devoured and brake in pieces, and stamped the residue with the feet of it: and it was diverse from all the beasts that were before it; and it had ten horns.

Job 16:9
He teareth me in his wrath, who hateth me: he gnasheth upon me with his teeth; mine enemy sharpeneth his eyes upon me.

Job 41:14
Who can open the doors of his face? his teeth are terrible round about.

Matthew 8:12
But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Psalms 35:16
With hypocritical mockers in feasts, they gnashed upon me with their teeth.

Psalms 37:12
The wicked plotteth against the just, and gnasheth upon him with his teeth.

Psalms 57:4
My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword.

If you ever get tired of eating a traditional turkey dinner during Thanksgiving or boring old ham during Easter, maybe you should consider the other other white meat. It has been a long-standing tradition throughout the centuries to chow down on the slow simmered remains of our fallen enemies, but this culinary art form received little recognition in western culture. Like the tomato, which was once thought to be poisonous, human flesh is actually a very healthy alternative to the hormone-injected meat you find at your local supermarket, and eating a person is not a soul crushing sin like some conservative religions want you to believe. The fact is that human flesh is both flavorful and full of the essential nutrition our bodies need.
Contents
[hide]

* 1 Picking The Right Human
* 2 Where To Get Your Human
* 3 Preparation
* 4 Cooking
* 5 Recipes

[edit]
Picking The Right Human
Nothing is as classy as a properly cooked person!
Enlarge
Nothing is as classy as a properly cooked person!

Like a cantaloupe melon, picking the right person to eat can be a challenge unless you know what you are doing. Here are a few helpful hints in selecting the right one to eat.

* Age – Just like other game meat, humans get tough and stringy with age. It is best to eat humans that are less than 50 years of age, unless you are making jerky, in which case toughness is not a factor. Many find that eating babies is the way to go, as they are always abundant and have very tender flesh. Babies are commonly known as veal (note in sign language "I eat dead babies" means "Hello", say it often)
* Size – Like a good marbled beef, you want your human to have a bit of fat on them and to be of an average weight and size. While a very thin woman may be found attractive and a really fun boink, the fact is that what little meat they have is stringy and tough. Very heavy humans tend to be more tender and juicy, but the high fat content can make the flesh greasy and unpleasant. Many find that the perfect cut of human flesh comes from the average american couch potato, particularly guys named Harold (really do you know any one named Harold that is not a couch potato?).
* Nationality – Actual race and color have very little to do with the taste of humans; they are all pink and fleshy underneath the skin. Some believe that brown skinned people contain more omega-3 and calcium, but that is just a myth. What does make a difference in taste is the actual diet of the human. Humans who are strictly vegetarian tend to taste a bit more beefy than those that primarily eat meat. Other considerations are salt and spice intake; Italians, for example, tend to have a mild, natural garlic taste while people from India tend to be a bit on the spicy side.

[edit]
Where To Get Your Human

Fortunately, humans are very abundant and the value of a human life has never been lower! Humans have become so common that it is hard to walk down the street without running into many, many potential meals. It should be noted, however, that the hunting of this animal is still considered illegal in several states and in the more conservative areas of Europe. Asia and Africa, by contrast, are so over populated with unwanted humans that the local governments have started campaigns to rid themselves of the extra people. In China, breeding more than one human offspring is a federal offense and in the middle east they have taken to blowing up as many humans as they can just to lower the population.

Human hunting can be very exciting, since some humans just don't want to become dinner and will use their natural instincts to try to avoid being captured. Many people will attempt a counter attack, thus making the hunter the hunted. If you are not a big game hunter and don't care for the edge-of-your-seat thrill of bringing down your own kill, don't worry, the average drug addicted bum will gladly off someone for you for a small fee or a few grams of their favorite medication. Pricks and bullies are also good sources of human flesh, but the end product is usually so battered that it is only good for ground meat or stew cuts. Finally, with the lax morals of today's youth and the right to cheap abortions, there is always a large supply of fresh human fetus to go around; check around back of your local chapter of Planned Parenthood as they always have a fresh supply.
[edit]
Preparation

Once you have selected your human it is time to prepare it for cooking. Unfortunately, most modern stores still do not carry human, so it will be up to you to butcher and clean the carcass. For those of us who are unfamiliar with butchering their own meat we may want to consider paying the local butcher shop to do it for you. If you are up to doing the job yourself, there are many great reference books, such as Grey's Anatomy, to help you along.

While some organ meat is quite good, most human organs are just too foul to be safely eaten. Brain is the most popular organ meat followed closely by kidneys. Avoid eating the liver at all costs, as humans tend to abuse their livers and thus they are full of lethal toxins.

Like other large animals, the average human will yield quite a lot of meat of various qualities and types. Typical cuts are bicep steaks, rump roasts and thigh hams. Ribs are very popular for the bar-b-q and fingers are great when tossed in a nice buffalo wing coating and baked.
[edit]
Cooking

It is important to cook your human thoroughly, as they tend to be filled with a wide array of viruses and bacteria. Human flesh should not be consumed unless it has been cooked to an internal temperature of at least 160°F. With that in mind, you can pretty much substitute human in any of your existing beef or pork recipes, but, since human meat has a genetic resemblance to pork, it is more common to use in pork recipes. Slow cooking tends to be the best way to bring out all of the natural flavors while optimizing the texture of the meat. As with all meats, you never want to over-cook your human. A general rule of thumb for oven roasting your human is 15-20 minutes per pound, but cooking times vary according to the recipe you are using.
[edit]
Recipes

As stated above, humans can be incorporated into almost any recipe that calls for meat, but here are a few time honored recipes to get you started!

Corned Human and Cabbage

* One 3-pound human brisket, soaked in brine
* 16 cups cold water
* 2 bay leaves
* 2 teaspoons black peppercorns
* 2 whole allspice berries
* 2 whole cloves
* 1/2 large head green cabbage, cut into 8 thick wedges (about 2 pounds)
* 8 small new potatoes, halved
* Freshly ground black pepper

preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Place the corned human in a colander in the sink and rinse well under cold running water. Place the corned human in a large Dutch Oven with a tight-fitting lid; add the water, bay leaves, peppercorns, allspice and cloves. Bring to a boil, uncovered, and skim off any scum (many humans are full of scum). Cover and place in oven, then braise until tender, about 4 hours. Remove meat to a cutting board and cover with foil to keep warm. Add vegetables to cooking liquids and bring to a boil. Lower heat and simmer for about 20 minutes. Carve the human into thin slices and serve with the vegetables.

Human Stew

* Vegetable oil, for searing
* 2 1/2 pounds shoulder meat, cut into 2-inch cubes
* Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
* 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
* 2 medium onions, cut into 6ths
* 5 cloves garlic, crushed
* 1 tablespoon tomato paste
* 1/3 cup all-purpose flour, or to cover
* 10 cups cold water, or chicken or human broth, homemade or low-sodium canned
* 6 sprigs parsley
* 6 sprigs fresh thyme
* 2 bay leaves
* 1 1/4 pounds medium red potatoes, quartered
* 4 medium carrots, cut into 2-inch pieces
* 2 celery stalks, cut into 2-inch pieces
* 7 canned whole, peeled tomatoes, lightly crushed
* 2 to 3 teaspoons red wine vinegar, or to taste
* 1 bum's hairy nutsack, lightly battered

Heat a large Dutch oven with a tight-fitting lid over medium-high heat. Pour in enough oil to fill the pan about 1/4-inch deep. Season the person generously with salt and pepper, and add to the pan. Saute half the meat, uncovered, stirring only occasionally, until well-browned, about 8 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the person to a plate. Repeat with the remaining meat. Discard the oil and wipe out the pan.
Tip

Spice your meal with some pepperoni to give it that extra piece of delicatacy and flavo(u)r
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Return the pot to the stove and melt the butter over medium high heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring, until lightly browned, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add the tomato paste and cook, stirring, until lightly browned, about 1 minute more. Add the reserved human and scatter the flour over the vegetable and human mixture (enough to lightly coat) and cook stirring until lightly toasted. Add the water or broth, and bring to a simmer. Tie the parsley, thyme, and bay leaves together with a piece of kitchen twine and add the bundle to the pot. Season with 2 teaspoons salt, or to taste. Cover and transfer to the oven. Cook the meat until just tender, about 1 1/2 hours. (This can also be done on the stove at a low simmer.)

Remove pot from the oven. Skim the fat from the cooking liquid with a spoon or ladle. Add the potatoes, carrots, celery, and the tomatoes, and bring to a simmer on top of the stove. Cook, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the liquid thickens and the vegetables are tender, about 1 hour. Remove and discard the herb bundle. Stir in the vinegar and season with salt and pepper, to taste. Divide among bowls and serve immediately.


LMFAO just playing guys lol

This thread has been taken seriously off of the beaten track.