Spent the last twenty four hours in frantic worry over a friend.
She's been in the hospital and is awaiting a biopsy. She's swelling, in constant pain, has a fever, and her scans are showing possible cervical cancer. She has been in and out of the hospital over the last few weeks with what they originally diagnosed as sciatica but new scans are showing masses that the original scans have missed. As of last night she's swelling in her abdomen and her leg all the way down to her foot accompanied by a fever.
The staff aren't concerned with anything but the fever as of last night. But we are worried because she's swelling when she's never done that before. She's been admitted for three days now. She has a son, who is six months younger than my daughter.
I leave in 9 days to help my mom. I wish I could split myself into multiples so that I can be with everyone who needs me to be there for them. I wish I had I magical wand to just wave away everyone's pain and suffering and make everything better.
My anxiety is through the roof, across the board. I retreat when I'm like this. So pardon if I don't respond right away or seem aloof.
My Bun-bun got me.
Careful who you stalk.
Sometimes, I sit back and just watch.
I watch how people interact with each other, how they react when they're left alone, and how they react when they think no one is watching.
You learn so much from observing people and their behaviors.
You learn what their moral codes are and where they lack them.
You learn what their true intentions are, even when wearing a well constructed mask.
Their mannerisms portray who they are as a person, while their actions (both direct and indirect) portray someone else. A facade they think is impenetrable.
I use to "people watch" as a kid/teenager. It was one of those skills that developed over time as it allowed me to see who people truly are, especially when they think they aren't being seen or are oblivious to those around them. It's funny in a way, because online it's really not that much difference. The only real difference is the ability to hide ones expressions. The mannerisms and behaviors don't change, though, as much as people try to hide those. The more they try, the harder it is to keep up with, from what I have observed.
That's why I don't use facades. I either like you or I don't. I don't have the energy or the time to play head games.
I will be civil, I will be polite (when warranted- I have no qualms with matching attitude and energy :p), and I can assist while pushing my own feelings on matters aside. But I won't converse. I won't go out of my way to talk to someone I don't particularly care for, nor will I force myself into situations where they are present.
It took me years of fighting through and learning how to avoid being abused, manipulated, and hurt to be on the solid ground I stand on now. I spent years working on myself. Through therapy, through self realization and reflection, to removing those in my life who were not adding anything of value to it.
If I see that a person is manipulative, abusive, or down right horrible, I will not entertain them. If I am forced to because of a role or job I have that it is essential that I do, then I will. But they will not occupy any of my own time.
I think that is so important for people to realize.
You do not have to engage with those who upset you or steal joy from your life. Let those leeches suck the energy off of someone else. You don't need to entertain it. You can move on from it. You deserve better than that.
You deserve peace.
You deserve happiness.
You deserve an environment that enriches your life, your time, and your experiences.
Her surgery has been pushed back until the 12th.
This is to allow her other medical complications to stabilize prior to surgery.
We are still going up on the 3rd. This will allow me ample time to get the house situated (which I was stressing about) and allow her time with Lette so they can get to know each other without being rushed.
My wrist is on fire today.
Still waiting for the nerve test to be scheduled.
Lol my luck.
It just has to be at this point.
So the plan is we are flying out 10/3 (tickets purchased) so that I have two full days prior to her surgery to help set up the house for her recovery and so she can spend some time getting to know her granddaughter while I do it.
I think I'm more anxious than anything because the success rates of this surgery are between 60-80%- without the patient having any other health complications. My mom has other health complications, but the surgery isn't an elective option. It is a situation where it needs to be had in order for her to be able to function and live without becoming essentially paralyzed over time.
She has also put me down as her healthcare proxy. She has told me her wishes. She has specifically stated what she wants. She has made it abundantly clear that she knows out of all of her children, I'm the only one who will be rational during such a decision and that she needs me to be the one to make those calls if she cannot. That not only terrifies me but puts me on edge because I know this trip to Boston is going to occur one of two ways- I'll either be taking care of my mother in recovery (which is what I hope is the only outcome) or I will be planning a funeral for her.
I hate even writing that out. I hate even having to think about that. I hate that this is even a fucking possibility and I am doing everything in my power not to even let that cross my mind, but I need to also have the rationality to know of all possible outcomes so I understand and can come to terms with what I am going to have to do, in the event it may happen.
I wish I had a magical wand to wave over people I care about and just fix all their ailments so that surgeries aren't something we have to worry about.
This trip will determine whether or not I ever go back to Boston after the surgery.
Cause if she passes I will never step foot in that fucking state again because I honestly don't think I will ever have the strength not to immediately lose it when I enter it.
But she won't pass. She will recovery and live a long life.
She will be fine.
The surgery will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
I am one of those people who refuse to accept negative things until they are real, not just a possibility. So I'm praying for you and your Mom and that her sweet granddaughter makes her laugh a lot while she recovers. She'll sure give your Mom a lot of reasons to want to survive. That matters, I have faith all will go good and your baby girl will like the fall colors!
It will all go well.
You will do what is needed, required of you.
As that is our Ducky.
And again- it will all go well.
Damn, I'm so sorry this stress is upon all of you.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that most people don't know much about my adolescence or childhood outside of random things I share, so sayings like "just think what you were like as a teenager and what your parents went through" aren't aimed directly at what I went through as a teen or at me directly, but generalized.
Even then, it still is maddening because it's a reminder of just how shitty my life was before I was old enough to be "left alone" by the state I grew up in.
I wasn't a bad kid, per say. I was a traumatized kid who fought a system that wasn't designed to actually help me with what I went through because a lot of the trauma and shit that happened, happened in those places. Some didn't, which led me to be in group homes, but being in group homes only made it worse. Especially when you have people who aren't vetted and only enjoy working in those group homes because they have easily readily available prey.
A lot has changed for who can work those facilities (and I'm really glad they have changed) because there is nothing more terrifying than being in a locked house with someone you can't run from and having to wait weeks to talk to someone who could potentially help because you're not allowed phone calls... There is a reason my social worker use to call me Houdini. I had a knack for figuring out how to break out of locked buildings and disappearing when I needed to most.
So I get it's supposed to be a joking thing people say, but I don't actually find it funny. And that's coming from someone with a dark and sometimes twisted sense of humor. Instead, it's just a reminder that people don't know the true horrors that others go through, and without that knowledge simple phrases like "imagine how your parents felt when you were a teenager" trigger an anger response in me because I wouldn't have been in those places to begin with, if it weren't for the actions of my parents.
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